6 & 5

These last few days have been a mixture of excitement as disappointment. I wake up, I'm excited that Squishy might come TODAY, and then by the end of the day, I'm disappointed that the baby hasn't come yet.

I'm still confident that it will be soon! But then I keep remembering that the majority of women go overdue with their first baby. I really.... really hope that Squishy isn't overdue! Our hospital bags are packed, the car seat is installed, and the condo is clean. All that's left is for the baby to come into the world :)

I have a "birthing ball" now, as it's supposed to help bring on labour. I've been bouncing on it and I must say, it DOES make my pelvis feel a whole lot less uncomfortable.

I know, I know... the actual due date is still a ways off. That doesn't mean that I can't hope the baby will come sooner though, and I want the baby NOW!

Earlier in pregnancy, I would have told you that I'd never be one of those women. The ones who hit the last few weeks and suddenly lose patience, trying everything in the books (scientifically justified or not) to make the baby come out sooner. I've become one of those women. From eating pineapple to going for long and painful walks to try and coax the baby out, I'm almost certain I've tried everything at this point. Now I have this large yellow ball in the living room. At least it's fun to bounce on it!

Hurry up baby!!!!!!!

7

Well there is officially a week until my due date, but I might not make it! I'm officially 39 weeks today.

Yesterday, when I went for my Obstetrician appointment, the doctor offered to give me an internal to see if I was dilated yet, and to "sweep my membranes", which she said could help bring on labour a bit early.

She checked, and seemed pleased that I was 2cm dilated. She did the sweeping of the membranes, which basically separates the amniotic sac from the cervix, stretches it to release hormones that help bring on labour. It certainly did something because later on in the day I had my "bloody show" which is a good indicator that labour could start very soon.

Overall, I'm quite excited for labour to start so I can finally meet my baby!

8

Another day gone by and no signs of labour. Although the dog was acting strange yesterday, and is still acting strange today, I feel the same physically. Later I have another appointment with the Obstetrician and hopefully all is still going really well.

I am so excited to finally have this baby that it's all I think about now. I've been trying out all the old wive's tales about things that are supposed to bring on labour, but of course nothing has worked. The baby will come out when it's good and ready! I have no say in the matter!

I feel so ready to be a mother and feel so lucky to be in this situation right now, with a wonderful man, a supportive family, and all the love in the world to give to this beautiful new life we've created.

Check out this video (crappy quality, sorry!) I took with my cell phone. You can see baby moving :D

9

This is how many days are left until the baby's due date. We've hit single digits people! I'm hoping that I can create a post a day up until the baby is here. So now begins the final countdown!

With 9 days left, I'm feeling actually refreshed. The last couple of days I have been experiencing less pain and discomfort. I am able to walk more comfortably, although still not for long distances, and the joint pain in my pelvis has calmed down noticeably.

With just a little over a week left, time feels like it isn't moving at all. I remember earlier in the pregnancy where time seemed to go by so quickly and so slow at the same time. Now, it's just slow. Every day feels just excruciating as I pay close attention to potential signs of labour starting. There have been none.

The main concern on my mind right now is that the baby will be overdue. The funny thing is, before getting pregnant I used to think it was funny when pregnant women would freak out so badly when they went overdue. Even the last few weeks they would get crazy. I thought.... you've gone so long already, what's another few days/weeks? Now I understand. Once the preparation is finished and you don't have much else to occupy your mind with other than thoughts of holding your baby for the first time, the wait really does feel capable of killing you.

A Finished Nursery

After months of plugging away at various things for the baby's room, I can finally call it complete. The feeling I get when I spend any time in this room is indescribable. It's my favorite room in this condo we call home. Every time you open the door, the sweet scent is what you notice the most. It smells like clean baby things and fresh wood. The room has a sense of calm and a sense of waiting in anticipation for the new life that will soon call this room home. I have never put this much thought and effort into a single room in my entire life. The best part is... it won't be empty for much longer.

 (click to embiggen)

Crib and cube storage shelf with wall decorations.

Crib, changing station/playpen and window.

Changing station/playpen and closet with more wall art (frames).

Closet open. Carseat on floor, clothing hanging and blankets above. Not seen: cases of diapers on right hand side of closet.

Cube storage - super handy and there's a place for everything and much more. Glad we went with this instead of a dresser. Clothing is in the canvas cubes and the rest of the unit can be used as shelving.

Close up of wall frames. Ultrasound shots in bottom, nothing in top yet.

Finished antique child's rocking chair that belonged to my grandfather.

From left to right: Sock monkey from Squishy's uncle Luke, Fred (more on him in a later post), and brown bear from Dave and I.

From left to right: Bunny from Squishy's Nana, Frog, Brown elephant from Dave and I (our first purchase for Squishy bought during our trip to California in February/March), Cow from Norm.

Basically everything is ready. All that needs to happen now is for Squishy to decide it's time to be born. Now that the room is complete for the most part, and ready for the baby, I feel a sense of calm and a huge weight has been lifted from me. C'mon Squishy, we can't wait to show you around!

Haircut!

Yesterday, Dave and I were doing some of the usual weekend errand running, as he has every second Friday off and it was one of them.

I hadn't had a haircut in over 3 years. That's right... 3 years!

I've never been a pro at remembering to go get a haircut every few months. I can count the number of haircuts I've had in my adult life on one hand. I just don't care all that much, I suppose.

The time had come, however. My hair was at a length where it was incredibly annoying most of the time. I couldn't sit without having to move my hair so it wouldn't get pinned behind my back. Every time I put a shirt on, I'd have to pull my hair out of the neck hole when I was done. Bras were certain to result in at least a few hairs being pulled from their follicles. With two weeks until the baby's due date, something needed to be done. Needless to say - I needed a haircut bad.

I didn't want to go too short, because I still want to be able to tie it back if need be. So I went with a shoulder length cut.  Now, even though I don't get haircuts often, when I do it's a huge decision that often takes at least several hours of searching through photos online to find something that's close to what I want, to show the hairdresser. So I did just that. I found a few, cute, shoulder length cuts with various styles of bangs and I saved them to my phone.

Want to see how it turned out?

(click to embiggen)

I love it! In this picture, the hairdresser had straightened my hair. I normally can't be bothered to do anything with my hair, including straightening it so it will probably look a bit different normally. Do I look prepared to be a mom?

10 Things I Will NOT Miss About Being Pregnant

In a post yesterday, I listed the things that I would miss about pregnancy. I figured I would do the opposite with this one and list the things that I am absolutely not going to miss when I'm no longer pregnant. There are not as many things that I don't like about pregnancy, as it's been largely a happy experience with few down sides. The list is shorter, but these are the things I'm looking forward to leaving behind when I'm done being pregnant.

1. Heartburn
2. Swelling in the feet and ankles
3. Pain in the pelvis
4. Waddling like a penguin
5. Overheating easily
6. Crying during sad movies
7. Being irritable at times
8. Not being able to walk for long distances
9. Getting sore after doing hardly anything
10. Being tired constantly

Pinterest - Inspiration Management

Recently, a friend directed me toward, and sent me an invitation to a website called Pinterest. I knew nothing about it, but trusted the taste of this friend because we have similarly artistic taste elsewhere.

Upon discovering the site, I found it to be quite intriguing, even before I knew of its purpose. The site takes bookmark management to a new level; a more visual level. If you are a more visual person, like I am, then you like seeing images rather than links, and you like to collect a variety of visually interesting things that can help to inspire you or just make you feel good.

So, what exactly does Pinterest do? When you get an invite to Pinterest, you start out by picking a username and password, just like any other site. You then drag and drop their bookmarklet that will help you "pin" any image on any site. You pin these images to a variety of "boards" which help you break up your images into groups, and you can use whatever criteria you would like to categorize them, and then name your boards accordingly.

You can literally pin any image. Just click the bookmarklet, choose the image, and a pop up will appear that allows you to choose which of your boards you want to add it to, and add a description. Then, you're done! At any time, you can simply go to your account, click on any board, and view all of the images you have pinned, visually, right there. Clicking on them will take you to the original website that you pinned it from.

I find it an extremely helpful site for managing different things that inspire me. Whether it's baby room decor, specific colour schemes, clothing, wall art, cool decorating ideas, or even a collection of book covers, you can save photos of anything to find later, without having to fill up your hard drive with photos or fill up your bookmarks with links.

One of the most interesting parts of the Pinterest site is that you can comment on other peoples pins, or you can "re-pin" them to your own boards if you see something you like on a friends board. In that sense, it ties social networking into its functionality as well.

Of all the new websites that have sprung up this year that I have tried, Pinterest is easily at the top for being useful, unique and easy to use. It's perfect for those who remember best visually.

 As of right now, Pinterest works on an invite-only basis. If you want to try it out, drop me an email at ganiggle AT gmail DOT com with your email address and I will send you an invite!

20 Things I Will Miss About Being Pregnant

With just a few short weeks left until the baby is born and I am no longer pregnant, it got me to thinking about the various things that I will miss about being pregnant.

1. Feeling the baby move
2. Watching my belly grow 
3. Having a big round bellly
4. Looking forward to the baby arriving
5. Wondering what the baby will be like
6. Special treatment from strangers
7. Shopping for baby things
8. Watching baby on the ultrasound
9. Thinking up names
10. Feeling ultra feminine 
11. Watching my body change
12. How good food tastes
13. Setting up the baby's room
14. Not getting my period
15. Feeling special 
16. Wondering what the baby will look like
17. The anticipation of learning gender
18. The quality of my hair and nails
19. Rubbing my belly all the time
20. Feeling 'motherly'

So Hot

It was an insanely hot day outside today, and it's only supposed to get worse tomorrow. Being pregnant and having all of this extra body weight does not make it easy to tolerate heat. Add that to the hormones coursing through me and you have a recipe for spontaneous human combustion.

I hardly made it through today. I didn't think I'd survive.

Tomorrow... I might die.

Full Term

As of yesterday, Squishy is officially considered a full term fetus. This means, he or she would not be considered premature if I literally gave birth this very second. This is great news, because it means that everything has developed and is ready for life on the outside. All that is going to happen now is the baby will put on body fat up until the date of arrival into the outside world.

Health wise I'm still doing good. No high blood pressure, which is great, and no nausea or anything like that. My only complaint, still, is the physical discomfort of carrying around all this extra weight.

Squishy has been moving around a lot, and I keep getting a foot or a knee jabbing out the right hand side of my belly. He/she feels further down inside my pelvis and I'm finding it easier to breathe as my lungs have regained more room again.

Yesterday was also my Mom's birthday, for which we all met at an all-you-can-eat-buffet for dinner. To celebrate Squishy being full term, I ate a load of pineapple, which according to what is likely an old wive's tale, is supposed to bring on labour. It didn't, but I like pineapple anyway.

To prepare for labour, I downloaded a contraction timer for my phone, which should come in handy when I'm waiting for them to be 5 minutes apart. I bookmarked an area of a book for Dave to read, which should help prepare him for what to expect during labour, and how he can help me best during what will likely be the most trying time in my life. Over the next few days, I'm going to pack my hospital bag and decide which outfit to take for Squishy to come home in. I'll be doing some more reading on labour and also breastfeeding over the next while too, so I'm extra prepared.

It's really just a waiting game now.

The Most Embarassing Appointment Ever

I apologize in advance, because this post is going to be a good dose of 'eww', a hefty helping of 'Too Much Information' and a whole lot of things I should probably keep to myself, but won't. If you aren't offended easily, or if you want to hear about an adventure of a pregnant woman's doctor's appointment, then feel free to read on.

Let me start off by saying that I am no master when it comes to time management. Perhaps it has something to do with the sudden forgetfulness associated with this late stage of pregnancy, or maybe I secretly hate doctor's appointments. My original appointment was supposed to have been on Monday. For some reason, I got it in my mind that it was actually Tuesday, and before I was able to confirm this I had missed the original scheduling. With my tail between my legs, I called to reschedule, and luckily didn't have to wait long. 'Thursday - 9:45AM' the nurse said.

9:45AM? Heh... they don't know I'm nocturnal, but already feeling badly for missing my first appointment, I didn't request a later time slot.

The main problem with appointments these days is getting to them. With them being so frequent now, it's not like Dave can take time off for every single one, especially the boring routine ones. I am lucky in that the Obstetrician I was referred to is about a 15 minute walk from where we live. The down side is that walking is not only uncomfortable at this point, but it can be down right painful and very slow going. Alas, I made it last time without too much if a problem, and that was just two weeks ago.

Now, waking up at 9:45 in the morning is, in essence, impossible for me to accomplish with any level of certainty. I don't trust myself in these manners. Historically, the way I get around such obstacles is to pull an 'all-nighter'. I simply loop around to the next day, do whatever needs to be done early on, then go to sleep. Easy, right? Well, pregnancy has made sleep an extremely valuable, necessary and often difficult to obtain commodity. Most nights I sleep quite restlessly and wake up tired 10 hours later. I am simply not able to pull an all-nighter the way I used to. By keeping myself busy painting, however, I made it to Thursday and was 2 hours away from my appointment when Dave left for work. I showered and did the routine maintenance on my lady garden because, well, you never know what the doctor might need to do, right? I got dressed, which is a lot harder than it used to be, especially when it comes to putting socks on and I had a good fifteen minutes to spare before I had planned to leave.

My ankles and feet, due to lack of sleep no doubt, were swollen and so I decided to spend those last fifteen minutes laying on the couch with my feet up. It helped, and at 9:15 I was on my way out the door.

The Walk

Before pregnancy, I think I took walking for granted, like many other tasks that I can no longer do comfortably. When you have 30+ extra pounds pressing down on the top of your pelvis with each step, it doesn't take long for the waddling to start and the pain to kick in. After the first block, I thought to myself, "You're doing good, you got this, keep going" and using any other type of motivational speech to keep my spirits high and take my mind off of the fact that it's beginning to feel like the baby will fall out with the next step.

It's July. It's hot. It's humid. I'm hormonal. I imagine how others must see me as they stop their vehicles, allowing me to waddle across the street at the cross walk. I imagine that I look like a whale with legs, sweating and panting and holding my belly up, in the hopes that it will relieve some of the pressure from my pelvis. But it doesn't. I'm squinting from the sun in my eyes which must make me look even more miserable, even as I smile and give a courtesy wave to the kind drivers who have allowed this spherically shaped woman to interrupt their driving. I continue on.

About half way there now and the heat is really getting to me. I take swigs from the bottle of Crystal Light I brought with me to stay hydrated. It's already warm. Who cares, I drink it anyway. Getting closer, I can visualize and almost feel the air conditioning caressing me already, still a block away from the mall where my doctor waits. My feet hurt. My back hurts. My pelvis hurts. My belly is starting to hurt. I can see the entrance now in the distance. Only willpower keeps me going.

An elderly man looks at me as if frightened, or disgusted. Perhaps it is just my imagination, or the heat, playing tricks on me. I'm finally in the mall and feel a sense of relief. The air conditioning is not as welcoming as I had hoped, and everything appears dark in contrast to the bright and sunny outdoors that I just left behind. I waddle my way down the mall and toward the doctor's office as my eyes readjust to the dim interior.


The Waiting Game

The doctor's office opens at 9:00AM. That's 30 minutes prior to my arrival. There were already 3 other pregnant woman in the waiting room when I arrived and checked in. I had fifteen minutes until my appointment. Good. It'll give me time to rest my aching feet. I walked past the rack of parenting magazines from 2001 and seated my sweaty self as gracefully as possible in a chair. As with most waiting rooms, there was a TV.

If I was running a waiting room for pregnant woman, I would be very careful about what was aired on that television. I might choose a television station like the W network, or maybe even TLC or, heck, even the news! What I would not do, is get all the pregnant ladies riled up and salivating by showing non-stop Food Network. I most certainly would not, at 9:30 in the morning, be showing pregnant women home made pizza's, cupcakes, or mountains of chocolate. I would not do that, because I do not have a death wish. When I looked at the faces of the other pregnant women, I could tell that they agreed with me. After how miserable I felt after the walk, seeing some guy baking brownies with maple syrup and realizing that I did not have those brownies in front of me made me instantly livid, but I digress...

I truly didn't expect to have to wait as long as I did, considering the place only opened 30 minutes prior to my arrival. However, I still had to wait about 30 minutes before I was called. Even then, I was only called for the most bizarre request I have ever received.

You Want Me to Pee Where?

A nurse called my name, and summoned me into a sectioned off area of the waiting room, which housed a sink, counter, and a scale. After having me remove my shoes and purse so she could gauge my new obesity, and commenting on my non-matching socks, she said that they would need a urine sample.

Since becoming pregnant, I have given more urine samples than I have in the rest of my life combined. So, this request did not faze me one bit. What did rattle me a bit was the method in which she wanted me to get said urine for her. She handed me... a tiny paper cup. You know, like a Dixie cup. A two ounce paper cup, that I am supposed to walk across the entire office with, to the only bathroom at the back.

My regular doctor does things much differently. See, with him, you don't ever have to physically hand over a cup of your own bodily fluids. You go in the bathroom with a plastic, lidded, sterile cup and you do what you need to do to fill it. When you're done, there's a little metal cupboard that is accessible from inside the room and outside of it. You put your urine there, and someone else opens the other side of it and takes it. You never suffer the embarrassment of handing someone a nice warm cup of urine. A paper cup. She even wrote my name on the bottom of it. Cute.

I made my walk to the bathroom. I am sure men have a much easier time with this, but for women it can be near impossible to urinate in a tiny paper cup without simultaneously urinating on your own hand. The difficulty level goes up at least 500 points when you're pregnant and have no way of seeing what you are doing. Nonetheless, I got her the golden liquid that she wanted so badly and did my best to dry off the outside of the paper cup before exiting the bathroom.

Now is the really awkward part. There I am, holding a tiny cup of my own urine, and I need to walk in full view of a waiting room filled with people in order to give it to the nurse who requested it. It isn't easy to look cool carrying an open cup of your bodily fluids. I don't care who you are, you will look like a douche no matter what. Especially when you are waddling with it. I try to keep my eyes forward and concentrate on not dropping it. I give it to the nurse who thanks me a little bit too enthusiastically and asks me to go sit back in the waiting room.

Great. I bet they all saw me carrying my pee around and think I'm some sort of freak. Without making eye contact, I sit back in the chair I was in before. It was at this point that I noticed something that I am sure will disturb me until the day I die. In the waiting room is a water cooler. On top of the water cooler are the exact same 2 ounce paper cups that they ask you to pee in. They even have the same design printed on the side. While I am well aware that they are not the same cups, there is something totally wrong about the fact that they use the same containers to get people to pee in as they use to drink from. If I were the boss of that waiting room, they would at least have a different printed design.

A Cotton Swab Violation

After another few agonizing minutes in the waiting room, I was finally escorted to an exam room to wait for the doctor. Completely by surprise, the nurse told me to get naked from the waist down, because they have to do a Group B Strep swab. What?! I was not told there would be nudity at this party. However, I assumed that the doctor would want to get fresh with me at some point in the last month of pregnancy, so I hesitantly complied.

Laying half naked on the most uncomfortable exam table in the world is not my idea of a good way to spend a Thursday morning. It doesn't help when you're laying there for almost 20 minutes, wondering if you were forgotten about. I like to keep my public nudity to a minimum, and 20 minute periods of time where my vag is all exposed in the open air does not help at all.

Finally the doctor comes in, acting like it's completely normal to have a fat, half naked, pregnant, sweaty lady who just urinated on her own hand and walked across the office with a cup of her own bodily fluids in her office. Strangely, this made me feel better. Still, I tried not to make eye contact.

She asked the routine questions, took my blood pressure, measured my uterus and felt the baby's position which was all good. She listened to the baby's heart beat which was perfect as usual. That was when she pulled out the cotton swab and told me to spread my legs.

Not fun. Not fun at all. She didn't even ask nicely. Using her ridiculous swab, she swabbed the inside of my vag and then, she tickled my anus with the same swab, as if it was the most normal thing in the world to do. She didn't even give me a warning. Here I thought I was just getting a swab of my vagina, and there she goes swabbing my asshole. No manners.

It was the worst doctor's appointment ever. Plus, I still had to walk home.

6 Skills I Want to Learn/Improve Before I Die

This blog post was inspired by a status update from one of my friends on Facebook, asking what people want to do most before they die.

Driving - I don't have a driver's license. I know, it's weird, but it just never happened for me. This is, in part, because I have massive anxiety when it comes to driving. During the driver training course offered at my school, when it came to doing the actual driving, I would freeze up and freak out. I figured it would probably be best if someone with my nerves wasn't on the road, and so I never went for my license. With a baby coming so soon, I think it's finally necessary for me to get a license. I really just need to improve my confidence, I think, and I'll be fine.

Art - What I love the most about painting and other art forms is that you're never done learning it. There is always something new to learn or a new technique that can help you expand your abilities. In fact, this is what I love about anything creative in general. I can do it, am quite proficient at it, but it's always something I want to improve, or learn to do in a different way. You're never done with art, and if you always consider yourself a beginner then there is always something new to learn. It's a life long learning experience.

Bagpipes -  It's always been my favorite sound in the entire world. It doesn't matter where I am or what I'm doing, if I hear bagpipes, no matter how faint, I will stop to listen. Being 1/2 Scottish, it seems only appropriate that I learn how to play this magnificent instrument at some point in my life.

Carpentry - I love putting ready to assemble furniture together, and I love fixing things and putting things together. I've always wanted to be capable of building my own custom furniture. How could would it be to build one of a kind pieces and build them perfectly for a specific space? It would be a really useful skill to have. The only obstacle I could see other than having enough space to do it, is that I'm afraid of saws and most other scary power tools.

Motherhood - I have wanted to be a mother for a long time, and in less than a month, I will start the first page of that chapter in my life.  I look forward to the learning experience, as it's another skill that you can never be perfect at. There will always be something new to learn and experience as my child and future children grow older and have constantly evolving needs.

Digital Art - In particular, digital painting. I'm so used to doing it traditionally and literally getting my  hands dirty, but I can see value and purpose in learning how to take it all onto a graphics tablet and draw/paint directly onto the computer. I have a very small graphics tablet and have done a few things here and there, but I am certainly not that capable yet. 

Final Preparations

With less than a month before little Squishy is due, I feel slightly overwhelmed at everything that still needs to be done. There's my grandpa's chair, tons of laundry I haven't done yet, some last minute preparations on the room itself, a whole lot of cleaning, and we still need to find a dresser.

Luckily, I'm almost done my grandpa's chair but not in the way I originally intended. I wanted to be able to sand off ALL of the varnish in order to re-stain and finish it. Unfortunately, some of the varnish ran so deep into the wood, and was so impossible to remove, that I decided to just paint it. I've painted it a lovely dark brown colour that matches the crib quite .nicely and I just need to put another coat of wood finish on it and it'll be done! It looks really good.

We have decided on the names, both male and female, to be prepared for the baby's arrival. I can't guarantee that the names won't change when we see the baby, or as we get closer to the birth, but we're pretty sure about what we like:

Girl: Nova Jade Gassner
Boy: Arthur James Gassner

I'm especially in love with the name Nova, so I'm hoping that we have a girl just so we can use it. No matter what Squishy is, this baby is going to be loved so much.

To Name a Baby

It takes a lot of time! I'm not sure if everyone has this much trouble naming a baby, but Dave and I have been on the fence with so many names, and hesitant to commit to anything. When we do decide on a pretty-sure-we'll-name-our-kid-this name, our certainty lasts about a week before we falter or find something we might like better. What doesn't make this process any easier is the reality that we don't know if the baby is a boy or a girl. Would that make it any easier to decide on a name? Maybe, maybe not. But coming up with two names that we like is proving to be near impossible.

I am certainly more invested in the process of finding a name than I think Dave is, but he's good to give opinions and help me narrow down the lists I make to a few top favorites (which of course change after a week). I'm telling you, it's mentally exhausting to sift through lists of names and I'm starting to wonder if it's even possible to find the perfect name. Anyway, here are some of the names that are currently under consideration by this fickle committee.

Girls Names

• Chloe
• Isabel/Isabella
• Amelia
• Lucy
• Riley
• Julia
• Sadie
• Penelope
• Charlie
• Jaide
• Bailey
• Ellen
• Heidi
• Arcadia
• Willow
• Emerald
• Nova

Boys Names

• James
• Jake
• Sebastian
• Henry
• Owen
• Micah
• Patrick
• Charles
• Oscar
• Eli
• Toby
• Finnegan
• Vincent
• Picasso
• Darwin
• Leonardo
• Arthur
• London

For a girl, the middle name is almost certainly going to be Elizabeth, and for a boy, the middle name will almost certainly be James. I like the idea of a unique name, like Nova or Leonardo. What do you think, blog readers?

Dear Squishy

We've known each other for about 8 months now. You've been with me through a lot of good times and a few bad times too. You've listened to me talk, laugh, cry, cough, sneeze and even yell at Juno sometimes. You eat what I eat, you drink what I drink, and you often decide when I need to use the bathroom with your occasional bladder dancing.

You are part of me and I feel like I've known you for a long time, yet we've never met face to face. I already love you more than I've loved anything in my life, and yet I've never hugged you. I know that you are the most beautiful thing in the world, yet I've never seen your face. You're the most important thing in the world to me, and I don't even know if you are a boy or a girl. I know so much about you, yet so little.

I have felt you growing and moving inside my belly. I have nourished your tiny growing frame from the beginning and your movements have gone from small, barely felt pops to powerfully rolling movements that are easily seen from the outside. Remember when you used to be so shy that you wouldn't let your Dad feel your movements? It seemed like as soon as he was paying attention you would stop moving. I'm glad you finally came around and became comfortable enough to share the joys of your movements with him too. He loves you a lot, you know, and can't wait to meet you either.

It's been a long wait and we've been preparing for your arrival since we learned about you when you were the size of a poppy seed. Now, you're almost ready to come out. In just a month we will finally be able to meet you face to face. I think you'll like it here. It's not as warm, or as cozy as it is in my belly, but I hope you'll give it a chance because you can't stay in there forever. I imagine it's getting pretty cramped in there already.

I promise that we will do our absolute best to be the parents you deserve. We will love you and care for you for the rest of our lives. We will be supportive of your needs and desires as you grow older and become whatever unique individual that you want to be. I promise we will give you a name that is better than 'Squishy' once we know if you are a boy or a girl.

You have some wonderful grandparents who can't wait to meet you either. You are lucky enough to have not one but two grandma's and a grandpa too. They all love you. You have a lot of aunts and uncles (and even some honorary aunts and uncles) and cousins who are great people and you are lucky to have them. You have a great grandmother who is a very special lady. Not many people have a great grandparent!

Don't be alarmed when you get here and find a small black and white alien-looking dog. That's just Juno. We're not sure how she'll react to you yet, but we have hopes that the two of you will be friends. Just don't use her as a role model and you'll probably be fine. Whatever you do, don't get any advice from her on what to eat.

It's just 4 weeks to go, little baby. We love you very, very much. I can't wait to finally hold you in my arms and kiss every part of your cute little face. You are, and will continue to be, very loved. Until we finally meet, feel free to move around in my belly as much as you want. It's the best feeling in the world.

Groceries and Pretty Things

Yesterday (Thursday) was grocery shopping day for Dave and I. Good thing, too, because we were running low on a lot of things, most importantly garbage bags and food. It's getting difficult for me to move around a lot these days, and that includes walking around in a supermarket for an hour. Dave, being the sweetheart that he is, surprised me with flowers, which certainly helped me forget how uncomfortable I've been for a while.

(click to embiggen)

Chrysanthemum's, I think.

I love them :) I'm usually not really a flower lover of a girl, but something about pregnancy has made me like them. I find it strange, but welcoming to be a "normal" girl, at least for a little while.

On the grocery list was, among other things, to restock our fruit supply. Grapes, strawberries, apples, and something called Bumbleberry Crumble. During my evening sweet snack, I arranged a fruity delight on a plate, and it looked so colourful and pretty, I just had to take a picture.

(click to embiggen)

It's okay to drool.

It. Was. Delicious.

An Ultrasound Story

The Back Story

Perhaps the scariest moment so far in this pregnancy, was the moment when the obstetrician looked at me wide-eyed and said very seriously, "Your baby is breech". For this to be my biggest concern makes me one of the lucky ones, because in the grand scheme of things - it's not a really big deal. The problem is, her comment was a big deal to me, and weighed heavily on my mind these last two weeks.

A breech baby is one who is basically backwards from what is ideal for giving birth. Most babies turn so that their head is facing down near the end of pregnancy. At the time of my appointment with the obstetrician, she poked and prodded at my belly, announcing that the baby was head up. At 33 weeks, this isn't something that is of major concern, because the baby still has plenty of time to flip. Two weeks prior, when I was 31 weeks pregnant, my family doctor told me that the baby was head down, so why the change? Perhaps that was what made it so concerning; our baby had it right, but then went the wrong way. The way the obstetrician, who has likely seen thousands of pregnancies during her career, made it sound so scary didn't help either. She announced that if the baby didn't flip by the time of the ultrasound she was scheduling for me took place, we would "discuss options". I knew by "options" she likely meant cesarean section.

See, prior to even seeing this obstetrician - this pregnancy specialist - I read up about her online. What I found scared me because I found based on some reviews that while she was a very nice doctor, she was c-section crazy. For a woman such as myself who wants to give birth 100% naturally, without even pain medication, this was obviously not the ideal situation. If your baby is breech, the risks go up tremendously with a natural birth, and therefore a c-section is often recommended.

When she spoke those words "Your baby is breech.", some part of me honestly believed she was happy about that. Although most definitely hormone related, my instant internal thought was "Yeah, you'd like that wouldn't you C-Section Lady?!?"

I walked home from my appointment that day with the date of July 7th and the time of 2:45PM written on a crisp new white envelope that contained, in its entirety, my prenatal record. Uncertain, for the first time in my pregnancy, of how things were going to turn out. I thought optimistically that with two weeks until the appointment, there was plenty of time for Squishy to go back into a head-down position. Certainly everything would be good again by that point... right?

With the obstetrician's only instructions being to let my belly "hang" by being in an all-4's position (doggy style, essentially), I took to the Internet as soon as I was home to see if there was anything else I could be doing. A friend recommended a website called Spinning Babies which was informative, and showed me some other ways in which I could help the baby into the right position.

Well, almost two weeks went by and for the life of me, I had no idea whether anything that I tried had worked. I never felt any obvious huge-flipping-movement of the baby and I was unable to tell just by feeling around where the baby was located in there. 24 hours before my ultrasound appointment and I was panicking. I ranged everywhere on the spectrum from ensuring myself that the baby had moved and everything would be okay, to worrying about being told that I would be unable to safely deliver vaginally, and that a cesarean section was the only option. I had a chat with the baby, and begged through my abdominal wall for Squishy to be in the right position come the ultrasound appointment.


The Ultrasound

Dave got the later half of the day off from work in order to accompany me to the ultrasound. It's always been important to me, as well as to him, that he is there for appointments when possible. This one was especially important to me, because I was sure that I would have an emotional break down if the baby was still in the breech position. There is always the added fear that something else could be found wrong with the baby.

We arrived fifteen minutes early for the appointment and I had eaten the small snack of an apple before we arrived, upon request from the kind lady who left a message confirming my appointment on my answering machine. I was nervous but mostly excited as the minutes ticked by in the waiting room. The last time we saw our baby on screen was at the 20 week mark of the pregnancy. Now, at almost 36 weeks, there was no telling what had changed or how different Squishy would look.

After what I'm sure seemed like a lot longer than it really was, my name was called. We followed a young, brown haired woman into the back and were directed toward one of the examination rooms. There was a cot for me and a chair for Dave. She introduced herself as Charmaigne and asked me to lay down, and arrange a series of towels on myself so as not to get ultrasound goo on my clothing. She explained what would be done during the procedure and then squirted some warmed goo onto my belly. Then, the examination began.

For the first part of the ultrasound, I couldn't see a thing. She was checking mostly for the medically necessary things, like making sure everything is measuring properly, checking heart rate, and so on. Based on where she was focusing the probe, I tried to determine where the head was, but was unable to confidently conclude either way.

Our first look at Squishy

Then, a surprise. She turned the screen toward me and I saw, for the first time, our baby as a 3D image. I had never been offered a 3D ultrasound before, and didn't even know how it would work, or if they used a different machine, or what. But there it was on the screen - our beautiful baby. My immediate thought was that the baby looked like Dave; had his nose. Certainly it must be a boy.

She showed us several angles of the baby's face using the 3D technology before going back to her scanning and measuring. I was on cloud 9. With a goofy smile on my face I endured the rest of the probing of my uterus and the never-comfortable pressure on my bladder as she poked around, checking to make sure everything was good. She mentioned that the baby was "very healthy", which only widened my grin and multiplied the happy tears forming in the corners of my eyes.

The Conclusion

At the end of the examination, she went over all of her findings with us. She explained that the baby was measuring well, and weighed approximately 5 pounds, 9 ounces. Without warning, she blurted out the results to what we were really there to find out. She said it so quickly that I'm sure I would have misplaced it in the jumble of words, had I not been specifically listening for it.

"The baby is head down."

Woohoo! Bells and sirens started going off in my head as the weight of the world was instantly removed from my shoulders. As if noticing my excitement, she went into more detail about the baby's position. The head is down and facing out to the left of my body, the hands are in front of the face, the bum is up under my ribs and the feet are sticking out my left side. I do believe that this is the only time when it is considered appropriate to be excited about having a butt in your rib cage.

Umbilical cord in front of his/her face.

The fear of being forced to have a cesarean section washed away, and the rest of my day was spent proudly rubbing my belly, explaining to Dave why it was so exciting for baby to be head down, and sharing the 3D ultrasound shots all over Facebook.

However, this all got me to thinking: Was the baby ever really in the breech position? Maybe the obstetrician, hoping for something to make me a c-section candidate, was looking for something wrong. Maybe it was an honest mistake. Maybe Squishy really was breech and flipped at some point. All I know for sure is that the position of the baby and the positioning of the kicks after the appointment where I found out the baby was breech, feels the same to me as it did for the entire two weeks of emotional upset leading up to the ultrasound.

I am writing down a birth plan to take with me to the hospital, so that the staff are aware that I intend on doing a natural birth. Perhaps it's the hormones talking, but I don't want anything to unnecessarily jeopardize our birthing experience, especially not the opinion of someone who thinks a c-section is the only way to give birth. I feel, now, like I have to defend my right to give birth in the way nature intended it.

A Pile of Tags

There they sit, a pile of removed tags and plastic clothing hangers. There must be at least fifty - no - one hundred tags and hangers. My hand is sore from expertly using the scissors to delicately remove each and every tag. My head is swimming with emotion as I stare at the other pile; the pile of tiny things for a tiny person. A jumbled mass of greens, oranges, yellows and white carefully stacked,  piece by piece beside me on the couch, as big as a grown man.

These are our baby's things. Each and every item hand selected by someone who will love them. The soft fabric, mostly cotton, manufactured no doubt in some factory in another country now takes on an unspoken significance. With the colourful packaging now removed, there exists a larger load than I expected. Carefully folded in the mounds of tiny onesies, blankets, booties, pajamas, and hats, exists a world lovingly created for a special little boy or girl that we've yet to meet. Every item is perfect, soft, comfortable, waiting.

This pile of tags speaks of preparation. The most important laundry I will ever do. We bought special soap to wash these special threads, to ensure they will be comfortable on brand new skin. As each item is cleaned and refolded by the skilled hands of this artist, we are one step closer to meeting the tiny human being who will bring each outfit to life; who will turn this stacked and patterned arrangement of tiny clothing into a brilliant exhibition of memories.

Pay No Attention to the Crazy Lady

I just re-read my post from yesterday. The one entitled "Pregnancy and Frailty". Gotta say, not too pleased with myself! I generally try not to be a whiner and that was absolutely ridiculous, so I'm sorry to anybody who read that. It was a momentary lapse in an otherwise healthy mind. Obviously just a bad day and not how I feel in general.

Truth is, I'm enjoying life quite a bit right now. The excitement toward Squishy's arrival is building more with each passing day and I'm getting plenty done in preparation.

So! Pay no attention to the post from yesterday.

You may now return to your regularly scheduled web surfing.

Rainy Day Activities

I'm the kind of person who loves a good storm or just some rain in general. Recently wet weather and storming inspired me to make this list of things you can do during those rainy days.

1. Sit at a window and watch the rain. This is especially fun if you also get a lightning show.
2. Go for a walk in it. A little rain never hurt nobody.
3. Play a board game. Risk or Monopoly are excellent choices.
4. Watch a movie.
5. Write about a sunny day and imagine yourself there.
6. Sit outside under shelter and listen to/smell/watch the rain.
7. Fix something that you've been meaning to fix around the house.
8. Learn something new.
9. Read a book of poetry or a novel.
10. Look through old photographs.
11. Bake something delicious, like a pie or cookies.
12. Get caught up on chores.
13. Listen to music that lifts your spirits.
14. Have a good conversation.
15. Start an art project (or finish one!).

Rainy days can be a lot of fun, so don't waste them! If you are a rain lover like me, then you likely find days like this quite relaxing, so take the opportunity to experience the day to its fullest.

Pregnancy and Fragility

The thinner the glass, the easier it is to break. Presently, I feel as delicate as paper which is mostly burnt to ash. The slightest touch turns me to dust. It becomes increasingly difficult to patch together what was once a healthy and positive body image. Ugly. Doctors say I'm within the normal range of weight gain. They must be liars. I was an average sized girl who has become a behemoth. A behemoth with a duck's waddle. Cute.

The more bulky my frame, the thinner my skin. Where has my self confidence gone? This is not the me I used to know. I am betrayed; deceived by everything I knew. I preserve my old body by avoiding mirrors and scales. If I don't see the flaws, maybe they won't exist. 

My confidence has become so fragile. My emotions scream through the surface, no longer contained. I take solace in the certainty that it will all be over soon.

Among Friends

Saturday evening I had the pleasure of taking part in an activity that I have not had the opportunity of doing in several years now. Something I did a lot of in my younger days (late teens to early twenties) which always provided a good time and countless memories. I'm talking about bonfires. Just a bunch of people hanging out by an open fire with drinks, snacks and good conversation.

I have no direct excuse as to why I hadn't been to a bonfire in a while. My best guess would be that I had become a very antisocial person and avoided other individuals; going to great lengths to turn down invitations or make excuses for why I was unable to attend something while still trying to hide my often intense fear of social interaction. While this would often mean that I missed out on opportunities not only to meet new people but also to move forward artistically, I would always simply do what was "safe" rather than take any chances or go through having anxiety attacks.

So what made this different? Sure, there was anxiety on the drive there, "Dave, what if someone stabs/shoots me?" "What if everyone hates me?" "What if I offend someone?", all of these questions were of course answered with reassurance and support from my love, which certainly helps a little. Then there is the peak of anxiety where you actually arrive at your destination and have to go through the awkward greeting process, where you never know exactly what's expected of you or how many people will be there who you don't know. You hope that the number of people you know greatly outweigh the number of people you don't know and luckily, in the case of this bonfire, that was certainly true.

Dave and I made 5 people total (6 if you count Squishy) and only two people I hadn't met before were there. Luke, who I've gotten to know online through his blogs Editing Luke and, more recently, Jeeves and the Jaguar, and through various Facebook interaction over the last several months was the reason for the bonfire. He lives in Medicine Hat and is in town visiting for a couple of days. It was a pleasure to finally meet him in person. Tyler (of Angry Charlie Reviews), who I've come to consider a friend was hosting said bonfire along with his cousin Shannon, who was also delightful.

All in all, it was an excellent night. The fire was great, the weather was comfortable, the bugs weren't too bad, the music was good, and the conversation was outstanding and enlightening. It was the kind of conversation that really helps you get to know the innermost thoughts and feelings of those around you. It felt good to be in a social situation where I didn't need to feel threatened or afraid. As the sun set and the night crept in, I found myself feeling not only unafraid, but actually comfortable and as the hours progressed I realized that I hadn't had this much fun with other individuals in a long time. I felt as most people with a social life must feel on a regular basis, like I was among friends.

5 Countries I Want to Visit

Inspired by the recent blog post by the lovely Barb, who is going on an around-the-world adventure in less than a month, I thought it would be fun to share a list of places I would love to visit at some point in my lifetime. Travel is something I'm relatively new at, leaving the country for the first time just 4 or 5 months ago. There are a lot of different countries that I would love to see for various reasons. Below is the list of places I'd love to see!

Scotland - I've always been a sucker for a man in a kilt and a lover of bagpipe music. The accent of the people over there is charming and preferable to my ear. The architecture, the food (yes, I love haggis), the art and the culture all draw me toward Scotland, and of all the places I'd love to visit, this ranks near the top.

England - an incredibly country with an incredible history. I've met a lot of great people online who are from England, generally related to the art industry in some way, and many of the finest quality art products I use are made by companies in England. Derwent is a company that makes the coloured pencils I use for some of my art forms. Winsor & Newton make my oil paints and various other oil painting supplies. It seems like a very art friendly country and at the very least, they know the meaning of quality. The architecture is extremely beautiful and there is plenty to see.

France - Home of the Louvre, and many famous artists throughout history. In the 18th and 19th century in particular, France was the heart of the art world. It was home to artists such as Matisse, Degas, Monet, Manet, Renoir, and even such greats as Van Gogh and Picasso spent a lot of time there. One of my personal favorites, Bouguereau, was a french painter who was able to achieve some of the most amazing skin tones ever painted. There is no doubt that one will find a lot of art history in France, along with the beauty of the country.

Japan - I think Japan might be one of the most fascinating and mysterious countries to me. Their culture is so different from my own, and so beautiful. There are so many people packed into such small spaces, which is quite opposite of Canada, where the area is vast with minimal population. It would be interesting to see how people live day to day. Japan is also the leading country for scientific research which helps us all move forward as a species.

Italy - Another country rich in culture, this one. Home to Da Vinci, Michelangelo, Botticelli and Caravaggio, among others, there is no doubt that Italy is a big deal to an artist such as myself. I'm a huge fan of Italian food and architecture, and from what I've read of culture there, it's quite colourful and exciting.

Where do you want to go?

Second Painting Complete

After working on it for several hours this evening, the second painting for Squishy's room is finally complete! It feels good to have one of my many on-the-go projects completed, and I think they both turned out really well.

(click to embiggen)

With the amount of kicking and moving around that Squishy did while this one was in progress, I feel like he/she helped me paint it, which makes it all the more special. Now, perhaps the most difficult part of all, which is to figure out where they will look best in the baby's room.

Happy Canada Day!

It's the day when I, and my fellow Canadians have designated time set aside to celebrate our Canadian-ness. I'm glad that I'm Canadian because I love the diversity of this country, the way it cares for its people, and the beauty of the countryside. I love the open space that doesn't take long to find, and the nature present even in cities.

The 10 provinces and 3 territories that make up Canada make it the second largest country in the world, second only to Russia. We have the longest coastline of any country in the world. We've got landscapes ranging from mountains to arctic tundras to prairies and forested areas. In 1867 we became the Dominion of Canada and became an official country in 1982.

We've got a ton of natural resources, like natural gas, gold, oil, copper, coal, nickel, iron ore, uranium, potash, zinc, water and food. We're rich in agriculture, forestry and have leading industries in automobile manufacturing, mining, steel work, paper and iron. We have a population of almost 35 million people. Canada is home to the longest national highway in the world. It's called the Trans-Canada highway and spans 7,604 kilometers.

We enjoy publicly funded health care which is extremely helpful. In the last few months, Dave has had two EEG's and an MRI. Without free health care, who knows what kind of medical debt we would be in. Because we live in this wonderful country, the priority of your health is higher than the size of your bank account. Canada also supports same-sex marriage and every province was on-board as of 2005, however legal recognition of same-sex couples began within some provinces in 2003.

We are one of the wealthiest nations in the world, and one of the top 10 trading nations. The United States, Japan and the United Kingdom make up the biggest importers of Canadian goods and services. We have a high standard of living and are ranked 8th best place in the world to live based on the Human Development Index  for 2010.

It's great to live in Canada. We're the land of the free and the home of the brave. We pretty much rock, and that's all there is to it.

Happy Canada Day!!!!