I've already faced it: I became enormous while pregnant. It's okay. I get that people don't want to offend someone, especially when in the delicate and emotionally unstable throes of pregnancy, but someone really should have just sat me down and said "Wendy... lay off the freaking donuts."
Would I have listened? Not very likely. I don't think I was in the greatest control over my appetite at the time. But just maybe I would have taken it to heart and realized that I had become a whale. Free Willy? Free Wendy. Lose weight, you big fat fatty.
And I have. I wasn't going to make excuses for being grossly overweight. I, and I alone got myself into this state of ultra-fleshiness and I had to get myself back out again. I could blame pregnancy alone but that wouldn't be right. I gained way more than you're supposed to gain and I can only blame myself and my obsession with sweets near the end.
In the two and a half months since I gave birth to Darwin, I have lost around 70 lbs. I only count 30 of those pounds as true weight loss, however, because the rest came off automagically (that's right, automagically) after giving birth and I didn't have to try so it isn't factored into my weight loss ticker at the side.
After pregnancy was over, my appetite returned to that of a normal human being. No more eating constantly, no more guilty trips to Tim Horton's at 11pm to buy a dozen donuts, no more eating an entire pie in a single sitting. This first 30 pounds was lost using diet alone, as my body had not recovered enough for me to do any significant amount of exercise without pain. Breastfeeding, however, helps burn extra calories and so my weight loss has been pretty quick.
I have 30 pounds left to lose. Using diet alone, my results have slowed. My body is still sore from pregnancy (abdominal cramping when I move/walk too much) but I have decided to throw exercise into the mix anyway. My diet (aside from some recent cheating) is really good and doesn't leave me feeling deprived or hungry, but exercise is honestly like pulling teeth for me. I hate it. I find it incredibly boring to use a treadmill or any other fitness equipment, honestly. I do it for a day or two and then I find myself making excuses not to do it.
Luckily, I have found something that really is fun for me. Zumba Fitness is a video game for the Xbox 360 (Kinect required) which combines dance styles and movement into exercise routines that are actually fun to do. I tried it for the first time yesterday and quite honestly I think I'm hooked. Instead of looking forward to it being over, I wanted to play even longer after the routine was done. The next day, I'm definitely sore so I know it's doing its job!
Just 30 more pounds to go and I will be back to my pre-pregnancy weight of 130 lbs. With the help of sticking to my diet and, of course, Zumba, I should reach that goal in no time.
Monday, October 31, 2011
I Can't Write
I stare at the list of previous blog posts now approaching 5 pages and I wonder where all of those words came from. Right now my head feels empty; my fingers strain to type these very words as you read them. I used to be a writer, but now I can't write.
I have used 26 labels to describe previous posts. I have posted 105 times, each one of them executed without hardly having to think. The words just flowed from my brain and out my fingertips. Now I only have ridiculous ideas left in my head. Ideas that want to become posts but shouldn't. One of the ideas that wanted to become a post was a letter to my vagina. Really, brain? That's what you think my readers want to know about? Then I take a look at the keywords recently used to find my blog ("naughty pics of a girl called wendy") and realize that the post would probably fit right in with whatever that person was hoping to find. I need to draw the line somewhere.
Writing usually comes naturally to me. I get the idea and then I just let my brain and fingers make things happen. What's wrong with me now? My last post was on October 26th and I'm supposed to be posting at least once per day.
I can't write. It's done. Game over, case closed, so long and farewell. I was a writer once. I used to write. I had a blog, maybe you've heard of it. "A Girl Named Wendy", it started out as a temporary title and blog. A place to collect my thoughts about pregnancy. This blog got a personality and life of its own. I'd even go so far as to say I had a few posts that truly captivated people. However, that blog is now doomed because I haven't written in days. I try but I simply can't write.
What's wrong with me? When I think about the total number of words I have typed to this blog I figure it must be at least in the tens of thousands. When I think of the number of characters typed and arranged to form these words and sentences, it must surely have reached a million by now. I have put little parts of myself, completely unfiltered, into each and every post. I have laughed while posting and all-too-often I have cried. I have smiled, frowned, gotten serious and creative. I have run the gamut of emotion on this blog, but where are the feelings now?
Am I all emotioned out? Have I become numb? Nothing instills a sense of uselessness in me quite as much as not being able to do something that I love to do; that I have become known for. I'm such a failure. A failure who can't, for the life of her, write a new blog post. Absolutely nothing to post that can entertain the audience which is surely dwindling in numbers by now. I might as well just give up, shut down the blog, and move on. I should pack up and run away in shame while I still can. The truth is, I can't write anymore. I'm sorry, folks, but that's just the way it has to be. I just. Can't. Write. Anymo-
Wait.
I have used 26 labels to describe previous posts. I have posted 105 times, each one of them executed without hardly having to think. The words just flowed from my brain and out my fingertips. Now I only have ridiculous ideas left in my head. Ideas that want to become posts but shouldn't. One of the ideas that wanted to become a post was a letter to my vagina. Really, brain? That's what you think my readers want to know about? Then I take a look at the keywords recently used to find my blog ("naughty pics of a girl called wendy") and realize that the post would probably fit right in with whatever that person was hoping to find. I need to draw the line somewhere.
Writing usually comes naturally to me. I get the idea and then I just let my brain and fingers make things happen. What's wrong with me now? My last post was on October 26th and I'm supposed to be posting at least once per day.
I can't write. It's done. Game over, case closed, so long and farewell. I was a writer once. I used to write. I had a blog, maybe you've heard of it. "A Girl Named Wendy", it started out as a temporary title and blog. A place to collect my thoughts about pregnancy. This blog got a personality and life of its own. I'd even go so far as to say I had a few posts that truly captivated people. However, that blog is now doomed because I haven't written in days. I try but I simply can't write.
What's wrong with me? When I think about the total number of words I have typed to this blog I figure it must be at least in the tens of thousands. When I think of the number of characters typed and arranged to form these words and sentences, it must surely have reached a million by now. I have put little parts of myself, completely unfiltered, into each and every post. I have laughed while posting and all-too-often I have cried. I have smiled, frowned, gotten serious and creative. I have run the gamut of emotion on this blog, but where are the feelings now?
Am I all emotioned out? Have I become numb? Nothing instills a sense of uselessness in me quite as much as not being able to do something that I love to do; that I have become known for. I'm such a failure. A failure who can't, for the life of her, write a new blog post. Absolutely nothing to post that can entertain the audience which is surely dwindling in numbers by now. I might as well just give up, shut down the blog, and move on. I should pack up and run away in shame while I still can. The truth is, I can't write anymore. I'm sorry, folks, but that's just the way it has to be. I just. Can't. Write. Anymo-
Wait.
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
Who Your Friends Are
I've always believed that it takes extremes to show you the true nature of a person. Fair weather friends are easy to find and often pass through our lives in droves. It's the friends who are willing to stand with you in the rain that are worth keeping around.
Death is one of those extreme situations that can show you the true character of a fellow human being. I have learned first hand in the weeks following Dave's death exactly what some people are all about. In some unfortunate cases, bereavement becomes a breeding ground for selfishness and greed. You quickly learn the true feelings, intentions and goals of people who, at one time, claimed to be a friend of the deceased. People who you once thought had integrity lower themselves to charged personal attacks on a grieving widow while they gain financially from the death of your spouse.
Yes, you get to see the dark side of humanity show itself during times of struggle. However, just like every night turns to day, you also get to witness some people shining as brightly as the morning sun chasing the darkness away. It is these people who you realize are not only true friends, but people with strong character who care about you and your infant son; who cared about the man you lost; who are truly inspirational individuals going through life unafraid to stand up for what's right and just in a corrupt world, even when they have nothing to gain by doing so.
There are two men who have shown kindness, compassion and friendship to me in this most difficult time of my life. The best part is that I wasn't expecting it which makes their friendships even more of a bright spot on a cloudy day. Luke (of Editing Luke) and Tyler (of Angry Charlie Reviews) were two of Dave's best friends. The day Dave died, they were the two people I was responsible for informing with the two most difficult phone calls I have ever made in my life. I asked them both to be pallbearers at the funeral and they accepted. Luke made a beautiful video tribute to Dave that we watched after the funeral and I still watch it often. Tyler was kind enough to give my Mother, Grandmother and Katie a ride up to Kindersley for the funeral without even knowing them.
Although Luke lives in another city, the three of us have become even closer friends since the funeral. We try to write or Skype as often as we can given busy schedules. Tyler and I have frequent movie nights and reminisce about Dave every chance we get. The three of us have been able to lean on each other as we all work toward moving forward after the loss of Dave. I think we all do our best to honor his memory and to live our lives in a way that would have made him proud. I consider them two of my best friends, and it's easy to see why Dave held them in such high regard. Dave and I even named them honorary uncles to Darwin prior to his passing and they wear the titles well.
As the dust begins to settle after the trauma of Dave's death and I'm left to look around to see who is left standing amongst the rubble, I feel lucky to find among them two people that are as caring, compassionate, creative, inspirational, kind and funny as Tyler and Luke are.
Thanks guys; for being exactly who you are. Never change.
Death is one of those extreme situations that can show you the true character of a fellow human being. I have learned first hand in the weeks following Dave's death exactly what some people are all about. In some unfortunate cases, bereavement becomes a breeding ground for selfishness and greed. You quickly learn the true feelings, intentions and goals of people who, at one time, claimed to be a friend of the deceased. People who you once thought had integrity lower themselves to charged personal attacks on a grieving widow while they gain financially from the death of your spouse.
Yes, you get to see the dark side of humanity show itself during times of struggle. However, just like every night turns to day, you also get to witness some people shining as brightly as the morning sun chasing the darkness away. It is these people who you realize are not only true friends, but people with strong character who care about you and your infant son; who cared about the man you lost; who are truly inspirational individuals going through life unafraid to stand up for what's right and just in a corrupt world, even when they have nothing to gain by doing so.
There are two men who have shown kindness, compassion and friendship to me in this most difficult time of my life. The best part is that I wasn't expecting it which makes their friendships even more of a bright spot on a cloudy day. Luke (of Editing Luke) and Tyler (of Angry Charlie Reviews) were two of Dave's best friends. The day Dave died, they were the two people I was responsible for informing with the two most difficult phone calls I have ever made in my life. I asked them both to be pallbearers at the funeral and they accepted. Luke made a beautiful video tribute to Dave that we watched after the funeral and I still watch it often. Tyler was kind enough to give my Mother, Grandmother and Katie a ride up to Kindersley for the funeral without even knowing them.
Although Luke lives in another city, the three of us have become even closer friends since the funeral. We try to write or Skype as often as we can given busy schedules. Tyler and I have frequent movie nights and reminisce about Dave every chance we get. The three of us have been able to lean on each other as we all work toward moving forward after the loss of Dave. I think we all do our best to honor his memory and to live our lives in a way that would have made him proud. I consider them two of my best friends, and it's easy to see why Dave held them in such high regard. Dave and I even named them honorary uncles to Darwin prior to his passing and they wear the titles well.
As the dust begins to settle after the trauma of Dave's death and I'm left to look around to see who is left standing amongst the rubble, I feel lucky to find among them two people that are as caring, compassionate, creative, inspirational, kind and funny as Tyler and Luke are.
Thanks guys; for being exactly who you are. Never change.
Sunday, October 23, 2011
What is Love?
A lovely friend of mine requested this post. She wanted a post with the topic of love; what it is and what it isn't. As a person who experienced true love, and who also experienced the wrong kind of love in previous relationships, I feel qualified to indulge her request.
I have been told that I have a very romanticized view of what love is. Although it might be unrealistic, I had the good fortune of finding this love in its purest form once in my life.
Love is about a mutual respect. Don't be controlling or try to change someone to fit into your ideal and don't let someone else do the same thing to you. More often than not, this breeds resentment and resentment can quickly doom a relationship. If there are a lot of things you don't like about a person, the answer is never to try changing that person but perhaps that they are not the person you should be with.
Love is about compromise. When you disagree with something (and you will) it's important to talk about it. Bring it up calmly and speak rationally. There's no need to yell, get upset, or leave the conversation feeling bad. A healthy discussion can take place about absolutely anything and both parties can leave feeling happy with whatever compromise is made. Each person has to give a little.
Love is comfort. When you're just as comfortable being with your partner as you are when you're alone, then you know that what you have is special. When you can spend every waking moment together and never get bored or run out of conversation material, that is when you know you've found the one. To be so completely open and accepting and have those feelings returned is to know true happiness.
Love is about those special, unspoken moments shared together that end up defining your relationship. Those conversations you can have without saying a single word; those special little mementos that mark a time and place and feeling; the silences that are so very loud; happy tears in wine glasses; secret codes and South Park episodes; a song in the dark and two sets of eyes seeking the truth.
Perhaps the most important thing in love as well as in life is honesty. If you aren't being honest with the person you love, then what is the point? Why even participate in a relationship when it's based on lies? Honesty builds trust and trust builds love. Lies kill trust and that lack of trust kills love.
Love is telling each other everything and having no secrets. Being an open book is, to me, an important step in discovering how to best care for one another. Sharing your deepest, darkest secrets, your fears, your desires and your goals can bring you closer to a person than anything else.
Complete and total honesty with another person, even when it's not pretty, is something I've found to be extremely rare in this world. Most people are so willing to make themselves look better than they are, or to avoid awkward moments, or to avoid hurting someones feelings, that they will lie and cover up and hide whatever they can. My relationship with Dave was the first totally honest relationship I had ever had in my life. We lied about nothing. We hid nothing. We were completely and totally honest with each other and our love was incredibly strong because of it.
Love means caring for your partner even when they are no longer able to fully care for themselves. You will never think twice about doing whatever is necessary to make them well, and you will never ask for anything in return. When that person is sick, you do what you need to because you care about their happiness. Although Dave and I were never officially married, 'in sickness and in health' was very much an unspoken vow between us. I took care of him because I loved him more than anything I had ever known. It never felt like a burden; it never felt wrong; it simply felt natural. When you love a person, truly love them, you do whatever it takes to make them healthy even if it means making sacrifices. You simply do what's right and what's necessary to make that person as comfortable and happy as possible. I knew he would do the same for me, and he did. He was the only person who could ever completely stop one of my anxiety attacks immediately. He would notice me having one and almost effortlessly snap me back to reality. The shaking would stop, my breathing would return to normal and I would become at ease once again.
Love is like an epic journey shared between two people who become completely devoted to one another. It can be scary, how powerful it is. It might not always be easy, but it is always worth it. Loving someone is always a risk, but don't let that risk scare you away from what could be the most beautiful and rewarding journey of your lifetime.
At least, that's what I think.
I have been told that I have a very romanticized view of what love is. Although it might be unrealistic, I had the good fortune of finding this love in its purest form once in my life.
Love is about a mutual respect. Don't be controlling or try to change someone to fit into your ideal and don't let someone else do the same thing to you. More often than not, this breeds resentment and resentment can quickly doom a relationship. If there are a lot of things you don't like about a person, the answer is never to try changing that person but perhaps that they are not the person you should be with.
Love is about compromise. When you disagree with something (and you will) it's important to talk about it. Bring it up calmly and speak rationally. There's no need to yell, get upset, or leave the conversation feeling bad. A healthy discussion can take place about absolutely anything and both parties can leave feeling happy with whatever compromise is made. Each person has to give a little.
Love is comfort. When you're just as comfortable being with your partner as you are when you're alone, then you know that what you have is special. When you can spend every waking moment together and never get bored or run out of conversation material, that is when you know you've found the one. To be so completely open and accepting and have those feelings returned is to know true happiness.
Love is about those special, unspoken moments shared together that end up defining your relationship. Those conversations you can have without saying a single word; those special little mementos that mark a time and place and feeling; the silences that are so very loud; happy tears in wine glasses; secret codes and South Park episodes; a song in the dark and two sets of eyes seeking the truth.
Perhaps the most important thing in love as well as in life is honesty. If you aren't being honest with the person you love, then what is the point? Why even participate in a relationship when it's based on lies? Honesty builds trust and trust builds love. Lies kill trust and that lack of trust kills love.
Love is telling each other everything and having no secrets. Being an open book is, to me, an important step in discovering how to best care for one another. Sharing your deepest, darkest secrets, your fears, your desires and your goals can bring you closer to a person than anything else.
Complete and total honesty with another person, even when it's not pretty, is something I've found to be extremely rare in this world. Most people are so willing to make themselves look better than they are, or to avoid awkward moments, or to avoid hurting someones feelings, that they will lie and cover up and hide whatever they can. My relationship with Dave was the first totally honest relationship I had ever had in my life. We lied about nothing. We hid nothing. We were completely and totally honest with each other and our love was incredibly strong because of it.
Love means caring for your partner even when they are no longer able to fully care for themselves. You will never think twice about doing whatever is necessary to make them well, and you will never ask for anything in return. When that person is sick, you do what you need to because you care about their happiness. Although Dave and I were never officially married, 'in sickness and in health' was very much an unspoken vow between us. I took care of him because I loved him more than anything I had ever known. It never felt like a burden; it never felt wrong; it simply felt natural. When you love a person, truly love them, you do whatever it takes to make them healthy even if it means making sacrifices. You simply do what's right and what's necessary to make that person as comfortable and happy as possible. I knew he would do the same for me, and he did. He was the only person who could ever completely stop one of my anxiety attacks immediately. He would notice me having one and almost effortlessly snap me back to reality. The shaking would stop, my breathing would return to normal and I would become at ease once again.
Love is like an epic journey shared between two people who become completely devoted to one another. It can be scary, how powerful it is. It might not always be easy, but it is always worth it. Loving someone is always a risk, but don't let that risk scare you away from what could be the most beautiful and rewarding journey of your lifetime.
At least, that's what I think.
Drawing Focus
It's been more difficult than I would like to admit to stay focused on any one thing lately. Most days I set out a goal to do the things I'm behind on, but by the end of the day I realize I have accomplished nothing. Truth is, there's a lot on my mind lately. From missing Dave, to Darwin's and my uncertain financial future, to regular household upkeep and trying to be social, I simply have a lot on my plate and not much room for additional obligations.
I'm sure you can understand why it's been difficult to give myself the push necessary to get going with my art. With a handful of orders already and the deadlines still in the distant future, things are looking really good. Opening myself up to portrait commissions worked for me before and I only stopped when I became pregnant so I could be overly-cautious about using certain chemicals.
I love drawing more than I love doing anything else, so why is it so hard for me to get started again? Now more than ever when I need, really need something I'm passionate about to distract me from daily life. I could subject myself to as much self-analysis as I could bear, but I really feel like the only answer is that there is no answer. Not a single one, anyway. There are probably a hundred things keeping me from doing what I love but the most prominent is probably my old friend, Depression. To be expected, I'm sure, but absolutely unwelcome. I think a big part of me might be afraid. Art is such a release and I'm not sure what's going to come out.
Despite everything, I was able to accomplish something that got me a little bit more motivated to reclaim my title as Artist. I designed business cards. It took a while because I'm generally picky when it comes to things like that for myself, but I got it done. The print service I used (I've used them a LOT in the past as well) is Vistaprint.ca. I've always been extremely happy with them and their pricing is unbeatable.
Seeing the finished business card design in Photoshop woke up something inside me. It was like that feeling you get when you've been working on a painting for 24 hours straight without sleep. The feeling where you're tired, so tired, but the drive to keep going is so strong it can't be ignored. Where time seems to be at a standstill and the only things that exist are your hands and your brain working feverishly together to make physical what was one just an idea.
Creating is one of the few things that makes me feel alive, and I need to start letting myself live again.
I'm sure you can understand why it's been difficult to give myself the push necessary to get going with my art. With a handful of orders already and the deadlines still in the distant future, things are looking really good. Opening myself up to portrait commissions worked for me before and I only stopped when I became pregnant so I could be overly-cautious about using certain chemicals.
I love drawing more than I love doing anything else, so why is it so hard for me to get started again? Now more than ever when I need, really need something I'm passionate about to distract me from daily life. I could subject myself to as much self-analysis as I could bear, but I really feel like the only answer is that there is no answer. Not a single one, anyway. There are probably a hundred things keeping me from doing what I love but the most prominent is probably my old friend, Depression. To be expected, I'm sure, but absolutely unwelcome. I think a big part of me might be afraid. Art is such a release and I'm not sure what's going to come out.
Despite everything, I was able to accomplish something that got me a little bit more motivated to reclaim my title as Artist. I designed business cards. It took a while because I'm generally picky when it comes to things like that for myself, but I got it done. The print service I used (I've used them a LOT in the past as well) is Vistaprint.ca. I've always been extremely happy with them and their pricing is unbeatable.
 | ||
| The front of the card |
 |
| The back side |
Creating is one of the few things that makes me feel alive, and I need to start letting myself live again.
Friday, October 21, 2011
Living the Change
Change is something that will happen in your life whether you like it or not. Sometimes, the changes will be very welcome and positive. Other times the change feels like an unwelcome impostor with its only goal being to ruin everything you have worked for.
I have never been the kind of person who likes change. In general I like my life to stay stable with solid foundation on which I can stand on. When that foundation explodes and you find yourself in free fall, you learn a few things about change, and you learn them very quickly.
Change is inevitable, but how you react to that change is entirely in your hands. With change comes choice. Your choice. Will you learn from the changes or will you let them destroy you? Will you use them as an excuse for weak behavior? It really is entirely up to you. Changes are going to happen regardless of what you do or how much you try to avoid them.
Trying to fight change or pretending something didn't really happen is unproductive. As hard as it can be sometimes, you need to face the change and learn to live alongside it if you hope to live a good life. Facing what scares you and analyzing it will help you move forward again much faster than if you try to run from it. Running will only make you tired and I promise you won't actually go anywhere.
Next time something awful happens in your life; some sort of negative change, make a conscious choice in how you react to it. Instead of asking why it happened, ask how you can learn from it. Instead of shrinking away from the world, allow yourself to grow. When you want more than anything to just give up, reach out and hold onto something.
It can seem like the easier option to take the most destructive path possible in the wake of disaster. The best thing you can do if you want to survive is to stand up tall and to defiantly keep on living even in the darkest moments when it feels like life has given up on you.
I have never been the kind of person who likes change. In general I like my life to stay stable with solid foundation on which I can stand on. When that foundation explodes and you find yourself in free fall, you learn a few things about change, and you learn them very quickly.
Change is inevitable, but how you react to that change is entirely in your hands. With change comes choice. Your choice. Will you learn from the changes or will you let them destroy you? Will you use them as an excuse for weak behavior? It really is entirely up to you. Changes are going to happen regardless of what you do or how much you try to avoid them.
Trying to fight change or pretending something didn't really happen is unproductive. As hard as it can be sometimes, you need to face the change and learn to live alongside it if you hope to live a good life. Facing what scares you and analyzing it will help you move forward again much faster than if you try to run from it. Running will only make you tired and I promise you won't actually go anywhere.
Next time something awful happens in your life; some sort of negative change, make a conscious choice in how you react to it. Instead of asking why it happened, ask how you can learn from it. Instead of shrinking away from the world, allow yourself to grow. When you want more than anything to just give up, reach out and hold onto something.
It can seem like the easier option to take the most destructive path possible in the wake of disaster. The best thing you can do if you want to survive is to stand up tall and to defiantly keep on living even in the darkest moments when it feels like life has given up on you.
Thursday, October 20, 2011
Dear Laptop (We Need to Talk)
When we first met a little over four years ago, it was hard not to be captivated by you. Unlike my old computer, which sat at a desk all day, you liked to move around. You were slim, shiny and sexy and I don't think I took my hands off you for at least the first month we were together. It didn't take long before you were finishing my sentences and showing me things I hadn't even dreamed of doing with a computer. It didn't take much convincing for me to choose you as my one and only.
We embarked upon many business ventures together; starting and stopping various ideas until we found a few things that worked. I could never even count the number of articles I wrote; my fingers feeling so at home as I tapped away on your keyboard. It didn't matter what time of the night or day it was, you would always stay awake just for me until I was done my work. When I started doing portrait commissions, you never failed to show me exactly what I needed to see, and in great detail. Your monitor reflected with great brightness and vibrance, the photos I was to draw. You were there every time I emailed a client and even helped me with my business cards.We had a really good thing going and learned a lot together.
About 6 months ago, I started noticing a change in you. You seemed tired, slow, and at times angry with me. I know I didn't always treat you as good as I should have, and for that, dear laptop, I'm sorry. I know I never gave you everything you needed. For instance: I never backed you up or supported you, I never kept your virus scanning software up to date as much as I could have, and I didn't let you sleep that often. I didn't think it was a big deal (and for many years it wasn't) until you got sick.
You stopped acting like yourself. When I asked you to do something you would act like you didn't know who I was. Like you had forgotten me. As painful as this was and as much as we had been through together up until that point, the only way to get you back was to wipe out everything we had built together and start over again. A fresh start. It was just what we needed.
When I reset your brain, it was like we were meeting again for the very first time. You forgot my favorite colours, the photographs I had previously shown you, and you even forgot my name. This was all okay though, because I loved you and knew we could rebuild a beautiful relationship. When others told me to trade you in for something better, I told them we had too much history together to just give up at the first sign of stress. So on we went, making money together for a few more months and re-learning everything that had once made us such a good pair.
Things were never the same between us, unfortunately. Your display, once so clear and perfect, had begun to show me things that made it difficult to truly enjoy our time together. I started to think of it as the 'Red Pixel Plague' and no matter what I tried, these imperfections remained. You must have sensed my anger with you and distrust of your ability to show me anything properly, because one day you were just too ashamed to get out of bed. As much as I tried to talk you out of it, you fell into some sort of depression and again, were not acting like yourself.
It was just a couple of weeks ago when we reset you one last time. The hope was that this would buy us more time together, especially since I needed you; really needed you to partner with me for some more business opportunities that are coming my way. After the reset you simply haven't been the same laptop I fell in love with. Where you were once so on the ball and receptive to me, you now lag and your red pixel plague is worse than ever. I can't even read you anymore. It's like I don't even know you.
I will admit that last week... I started playing the field a little bit; seeing what my options were. The things I have seen are just incredible. To be honest with you, I think I've fallen in love with another. I'm sorry. I met him online, and have since met him in person. We just clicked.
Since I know you will be wondering: yes, he's got a bigger drive than you. There is so much more room for me to store music, movies or games at his place without having to prioritize and get rid of things that don't fit. His screen is so much brighter than yours and shows me exactly what I need to see in order to complete any art job. He doesn't take forever to do things I need him to do and he is so much more supportive and adventurous than you ever were. He is reliable and gets turned on every time I'm around. To be honest... I really feel like he is the one.
As painful as this is, I'm going to have to say goodbye to you. We had our good times and I feel like I learned a lot from you. I will never forget the late nights spent together or all the times you were there for me. Thank you for everything we had. You were my first real laptop and I will never forget you. As hard as it is to part ways, it is what's best for both of us. I need a laptop that can keep up with my constantly changing demands and artistic needs. You need some time alone to rest.
It's over between us. Done. Finished. Our time together was great but I cannot sacrifice my needs in order to put up with a laptop that has simply become obsolete. I wish you the best of luck in the future, and I hope we can still be friends.
Sincerely,
Your EX-User
Wendy
We embarked upon many business ventures together; starting and stopping various ideas until we found a few things that worked. I could never even count the number of articles I wrote; my fingers feeling so at home as I tapped away on your keyboard. It didn't matter what time of the night or day it was, you would always stay awake just for me until I was done my work. When I started doing portrait commissions, you never failed to show me exactly what I needed to see, and in great detail. Your monitor reflected with great brightness and vibrance, the photos I was to draw. You were there every time I emailed a client and even helped me with my business cards.We had a really good thing going and learned a lot together.
About 6 months ago, I started noticing a change in you. You seemed tired, slow, and at times angry with me. I know I didn't always treat you as good as I should have, and for that, dear laptop, I'm sorry. I know I never gave you everything you needed. For instance: I never backed you up or supported you, I never kept your virus scanning software up to date as much as I could have, and I didn't let you sleep that often. I didn't think it was a big deal (and for many years it wasn't) until you got sick.
You stopped acting like yourself. When I asked you to do something you would act like you didn't know who I was. Like you had forgotten me. As painful as this was and as much as we had been through together up until that point, the only way to get you back was to wipe out everything we had built together and start over again. A fresh start. It was just what we needed.
When I reset your brain, it was like we were meeting again for the very first time. You forgot my favorite colours, the photographs I had previously shown you, and you even forgot my name. This was all okay though, because I loved you and knew we could rebuild a beautiful relationship. When others told me to trade you in for something better, I told them we had too much history together to just give up at the first sign of stress. So on we went, making money together for a few more months and re-learning everything that had once made us such a good pair.
Things were never the same between us, unfortunately. Your display, once so clear and perfect, had begun to show me things that made it difficult to truly enjoy our time together. I started to think of it as the 'Red Pixel Plague' and no matter what I tried, these imperfections remained. You must have sensed my anger with you and distrust of your ability to show me anything properly, because one day you were just too ashamed to get out of bed. As much as I tried to talk you out of it, you fell into some sort of depression and again, were not acting like yourself.
It was just a couple of weeks ago when we reset you one last time. The hope was that this would buy us more time together, especially since I needed you; really needed you to partner with me for some more business opportunities that are coming my way. After the reset you simply haven't been the same laptop I fell in love with. Where you were once so on the ball and receptive to me, you now lag and your red pixel plague is worse than ever. I can't even read you anymore. It's like I don't even know you.
I will admit that last week... I started playing the field a little bit; seeing what my options were. The things I have seen are just incredible. To be honest with you, I think I've fallen in love with another. I'm sorry. I met him online, and have since met him in person. We just clicked.
Since I know you will be wondering: yes, he's got a bigger drive than you. There is so much more room for me to store music, movies or games at his place without having to prioritize and get rid of things that don't fit. His screen is so much brighter than yours and shows me exactly what I need to see in order to complete any art job. He doesn't take forever to do things I need him to do and he is so much more supportive and adventurous than you ever were. He is reliable and gets turned on every time I'm around. To be honest... I really feel like he is the one.
As painful as this is, I'm going to have to say goodbye to you. We had our good times and I feel like I learned a lot from you. I will never forget the late nights spent together or all the times you were there for me. Thank you for everything we had. You were my first real laptop and I will never forget you. As hard as it is to part ways, it is what's best for both of us. I need a laptop that can keep up with my constantly changing demands and artistic needs. You need some time alone to rest.
It's over between us. Done. Finished. Our time together was great but I cannot sacrifice my needs in order to put up with a laptop that has simply become obsolete. I wish you the best of luck in the future, and I hope we can still be friends.
Sincerely,
Your EX-User
Wendy
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
A Blogging Milestone (100 Posts!)
Although I've started and posted on many blogs, only one other has ever made it to the 100 posts mark. So, I'm feeling pretty proud today to announce that this is my 100th post. A Girl Named Wendy has become like a friend to me. It's something that I can come to almost daily in order to spill out all of my feelings and feel better. There has been so many times where I've felt awful about something until I blog about it and then things just seem to work themselves out.
I love this blog. I love writing, and I love you, readers. Since May 30th, when I made my first post, a lot has changed in my life. The blog has become somewhat of a dumping ground for many of the thoughts that fly through my head on a second to second basis. Without this outlet, I am not sure if I could have stayed sane during some of the bigger life events that have happened this year such as Darwin's birth or Dave's death. If I'd never written a lot of the posts on this blog, I don't think I'd be as well adjusted as I seem to be currently.
I feel like my writing skills have improved because of how frequently I write compared to the pre-blog world. No matter what is happening in my life, I know I can always post about it here and it will help me get through it or come up with new ideas or just share some excitement if I feel I need to. I've gotten into the habit of writing daily, for the most part, which was one of the goals I had when I first started.
Now that I'm at 100 posts, it makes me feel like A Girl Named Wendy is a more legitimate and established blog. I don't feel quite so much like the new girl; doomed to fail. As I was reflecting on the blog and reading some of the previous posts that led me to this moment, I realized how happy I am that I started writing here. I also made note of some of the posts that were favorites of mine, or ones that stuck out as major moments in my life. Here are some of them:
I'm Wendy Nice to Meet You - My first post on this blog.
Dear Juno (Why Candy is Not for Dogs) - A letter to my dog.
Sleep Not, My Love. It's Raining - A short post the day of one of Dave's medical tests.
Dear Oil Painting, I Miss You - A letter to my favorite hobby, discussing my absence.
Seizure - What one of Dave's seizures was like to witness.
The Most Embarrassing Appointment Ever - It's long, but pretty funny.
My Birth Story - The day Darwin was born.
The Worst Day - My experience of the day Dave died.
Not Him - My experience of seeing his body in the casket.
End of an Era - The day of the funeral.
Things I've Learned - Reflections on life and death.
Keep Moving Forward - Thoughts on dealing with death.
I have loved writing the last 100 posts on my blog, and I will certainly love the next 100 posts. I hope you will continue reading.
I love this blog. I love writing, and I love you, readers. Since May 30th, when I made my first post, a lot has changed in my life. The blog has become somewhat of a dumping ground for many of the thoughts that fly through my head on a second to second basis. Without this outlet, I am not sure if I could have stayed sane during some of the bigger life events that have happened this year such as Darwin's birth or Dave's death. If I'd never written a lot of the posts on this blog, I don't think I'd be as well adjusted as I seem to be currently.
I feel like my writing skills have improved because of how frequently I write compared to the pre-blog world. No matter what is happening in my life, I know I can always post about it here and it will help me get through it or come up with new ideas or just share some excitement if I feel I need to. I've gotten into the habit of writing daily, for the most part, which was one of the goals I had when I first started.
Now that I'm at 100 posts, it makes me feel like A Girl Named Wendy is a more legitimate and established blog. I don't feel quite so much like the new girl; doomed to fail. As I was reflecting on the blog and reading some of the previous posts that led me to this moment, I realized how happy I am that I started writing here. I also made note of some of the posts that were favorites of mine, or ones that stuck out as major moments in my life. Here are some of them:
I'm Wendy Nice to Meet You - My first post on this blog.
Dear Juno (Why Candy is Not for Dogs) - A letter to my dog.
Sleep Not, My Love. It's Raining - A short post the day of one of Dave's medical tests.
Dear Oil Painting, I Miss You - A letter to my favorite hobby, discussing my absence.
Seizure - What one of Dave's seizures was like to witness.
The Most Embarrassing Appointment Ever - It's long, but pretty funny.
My Birth Story - The day Darwin was born.
The Worst Day - My experience of the day Dave died.
Not Him - My experience of seeing his body in the casket.
End of an Era - The day of the funeral.
Things I've Learned - Reflections on life and death.
Keep Moving Forward - Thoughts on dealing with death.
I have loved writing the last 100 posts on my blog, and I will certainly love the next 100 posts. I hope you will continue reading.
Monday, October 17, 2011
A New Place to Eat
Since moving in with Dave over a year ago, we always just ate our dinner in the living room at the coffee table. This worked out well for us, but when Darwin was born, I always wanted to get into the habit of eating at a kitchen table, the way I always did growing up. Earlier in the year, Glenda had shown Dave and I a wooden pedestal table that she said we could have for our dining area at home here. It wasn't until going to Kindersley this past week that the table finally came home with me.
After screwing on the bottom and setting it up in the area it will be performing its duty of being a table, I realized that it doesn't match. The colour of the wood does not match with anything else in the kitchen, which is all a darker finish. The table has more of an orange hue to it.
It's a really nice table and could look great in the space if it was darker. So, I'm going to turn it into an October project for myself. I'll sand it down, restain it a darker color and then refinish it. It should be a lot of fun, will keep my mind occupied, and allow me to get my hands dirty which is always a good time.
Luckily I know how to make my own wood stain. I've done it before to stain some frames I had made for paintings. This will be my first time doing it for furniture so it will be a learning experience for me as well. Being a lover of oil painting, I already have all of the supplies I need to make a good stain.
Should be a fun project! Step one, of course, is to sand it down so it's nice and smooth. Luckily it won't be as difficult as the old, antique chair that I tried to sand down for Darwin's room. Stay tuned!
After screwing on the bottom and setting it up in the area it will be performing its duty of being a table, I realized that it doesn't match. The colour of the wood does not match with anything else in the kitchen, which is all a darker finish. The table has more of an orange hue to it.
It's a really nice table and could look great in the space if it was darker. So, I'm going to turn it into an October project for myself. I'll sand it down, restain it a darker color and then refinish it. It should be a lot of fun, will keep my mind occupied, and allow me to get my hands dirty which is always a good time.
Luckily I know how to make my own wood stain. I've done it before to stain some frames I had made for paintings. This will be my first time doing it for furniture so it will be a learning experience for me as well. Being a lover of oil painting, I already have all of the supplies I need to make a good stain.
 |
| Linseed oil, turpentine, oil paint and wood finish. |
Should be a fun project! Step one, of course, is to sand it down so it's nice and smooth. Luckily it won't be as difficult as the old, antique chair that I tried to sand down for Darwin's room. Stay tuned!
Final Resting Place
One of the things I wanted to do while in Kindersley was to visit Dave's grave site. It was something that was making me nervous. I didn't want to get there and break down again, but I wanted to see it.
It was a really windy day. The kind of day where you just don't want to go outside because your hair will be blowing in your face and whatever you're carrying in your hands will likely end up ripped out and blown away. The cemetery Dave is buried in is up on a hill so I knew it would be even worse up there. Knowing my visit was coming to an end the next day, it was my last chance.
Glenda and I got into their vehicle and started on the 10 minute drive to the hill that held the remains of the man I love. I wasn't sure what to expect or what everything would look like. The last time I had seen the area almost one month earlier, the casket had not even been lowered into the ground. There was a large pile of dirt that had been removed from a rectangular hole lined with a green fabric. The casket sat atop a device meant to lower it down.
What would it look like now? I saw the sign for the cemetery appear on the horizon. We were almost there. We drove in and then parked. This was it. I wasn't as nervous as I had been expecting, so exited the vehicle. I was instantly greeted with the wind, which blew my hair in my face as expected.
Together, Glenda and I walked toward his grave site and were surprised to find the flowers that were chosen for on top of his casket laid near the head of the grave. They were mostly dead but a few colours, such as the blue roses were still visible. The wheat was still there and it was still recognizable as the bouquet chosen for his funeral. For some reason I wasn't expecting to see them there. I guess I had assumed that they would be buried with the casket. To be honest, it was a little depressing to see them. Most of the flowers were dead or shriveled up; a few petals of the blue roses had blown across the cemetery.
Looking closer at this death bouquet revealed a small marker for his grave beside it. It included Dave's name as well as his date of birth and death. Further down from that was the mound of dirt that covered Dave's body. For some reason it didn't seem to be as high as it should have been, and this disturbed me a little bit. It raised suspicion in me that his casket and body weren't really under there somewhere. I pushed that thought out of my mind as I plucked a few stones from the loose earth as memento's of this first visit to his grave.
I stood for a few moments, realizing that I would continue to come back to this place every time I visited Kindersley. Over time, it would begin to look different: a real headstone would eventually mark the spot, grass would regrow over the dirt, and as the seasons changed so would the appearance of the entire area. I wondered how I would change at the same time and how Darwin would grow as the earth that holds his fathers body settles in and nature slowly takes over his final resting place.
I still have a long, hard road ahead of me, but it's been an entire month now since the funeral. My hope is that this next month will be easier, and the month after will be easier still. I think perhaps the worst is over. What's left are memories, paperwork and an empty hole in my life. Over the next while I am going to bury myself in a few projects and so the blog should become a bit more positive in nature. I look forward to it and hope you do too, readers.
It was a really windy day. The kind of day where you just don't want to go outside because your hair will be blowing in your face and whatever you're carrying in your hands will likely end up ripped out and blown away. The cemetery Dave is buried in is up on a hill so I knew it would be even worse up there. Knowing my visit was coming to an end the next day, it was my last chance.
Glenda and I got into their vehicle and started on the 10 minute drive to the hill that held the remains of the man I love. I wasn't sure what to expect or what everything would look like. The last time I had seen the area almost one month earlier, the casket had not even been lowered into the ground. There was a large pile of dirt that had been removed from a rectangular hole lined with a green fabric. The casket sat atop a device meant to lower it down.
What would it look like now? I saw the sign for the cemetery appear on the horizon. We were almost there. We drove in and then parked. This was it. I wasn't as nervous as I had been expecting, so exited the vehicle. I was instantly greeted with the wind, which blew my hair in my face as expected.
 |
| Taken from beside the grave. |
Together, Glenda and I walked toward his grave site and were surprised to find the flowers that were chosen for on top of his casket laid near the head of the grave. They were mostly dead but a few colours, such as the blue roses were still visible. The wheat was still there and it was still recognizable as the bouquet chosen for his funeral. For some reason I wasn't expecting to see them there. I guess I had assumed that they would be buried with the casket. To be honest, it was a little depressing to see them. Most of the flowers were dead or shriveled up; a few petals of the blue roses had blown across the cemetery.
Looking closer at this death bouquet revealed a small marker for his grave beside it. It included Dave's name as well as his date of birth and death. Further down from that was the mound of dirt that covered Dave's body. For some reason it didn't seem to be as high as it should have been, and this disturbed me a little bit. It raised suspicion in me that his casket and body weren't really under there somewhere. I pushed that thought out of my mind as I plucked a few stones from the loose earth as memento's of this first visit to his grave.
I stood for a few moments, realizing that I would continue to come back to this place every time I visited Kindersley. Over time, it would begin to look different: a real headstone would eventually mark the spot, grass would regrow over the dirt, and as the seasons changed so would the appearance of the entire area. I wondered how I would change at the same time and how Darwin would grow as the earth that holds his fathers body settles in and nature slowly takes over his final resting place.
I still have a long, hard road ahead of me, but it's been an entire month now since the funeral. My hope is that this next month will be easier, and the month after will be easier still. I think perhaps the worst is over. What's left are memories, paperwork and an empty hole in my life. Over the next while I am going to bury myself in a few projects and so the blog should become a bit more positive in nature. I look forward to it and hope you do too, readers.
Sunday, October 16, 2011
Dear Dave (Still Missing You)
It's only been a little over a month since you died. I still cry all the time, and your face and the life we shared is reflected in every single tear. The pain hasn't gone away but it's become slightly easier to cope with. I think about you constantly and wonder what you would be doing if you were still here. I wonder what memories you would be making with your son and I also frequently wonder what you would think of some of the changes that have happened since you've been gone.
See, a lot has changed without you here, my darling. Some of it probably wouldn't surprise you, some things happened that you told me you wanted, and other things have gone terribly and would probably make you sick. For the most part, I think you would be happy and surprised to know how many people loved and cared about you. Even some of the people who you thought didn't.
Darwin is doing really well. He's healthy like he always was and he's still the best baby in the world like we knew he would be. You would not believe how good this boy is to me. He's like his daddy was in that way. He's getting so big and when I look at him I see you. I would give anything to bring you back just to see your son one last time. He's starting to get really alert and active. He notices toys now and recognizes different people. He now makes the most adorable cooing noises and is smiling all the time. He's come so far and you've already missed so much and it eats me up inside to think that you will never hear him call you 'dada'. I know you always wanted what was best for him and I am doing my best to ensure that he is provided for the way you so loved to provide for him. It's difficult, however, because legally we can't prove that you wanted your son to be cared for in your absence (It's about the stupidest legal shit I've ever heard of). I'm working really hard though, sweetie, because I know you always wanted what was best for our little family.
I'm not doing so well but with the help of family and some of your friends I'm surviving. Some days all I do is think about you and cry. I write you letters, like this one, wishing you could actually read them. Life is so much harder without you there to love me. The thought of you missing your son's life absolutely kills me. I know how much you loved him and how in love with fatherhood you were the second he was born. I have never seen you as happy as you were each time you held him.
Sasktel held a Steak Night in your honor. I've been told that the proceeds will be going toward Darwin and I. Sasktel was always good to you in life, and they even keep your best interests at heart in death. I met a lot of the people you worked with or went to school with, and they are lovely. The funny thing was they held it at a sports bar which was so not you hahaha. I think you would have been pleased and surprised with the turnout, however.
Your family has been so good to us. Your Mom and I have become really close and reminisce about you all the time. They're helping me learn how to drive, Dave. I know, I never thought it would happen either, but I need to learn now, to help get Darwin back and forth to everything from doctor's appointments to Kindersley and who knows where else. Your family have been very supportive in every way and are loving any opportunity to spend time with Darwin. I love spending time with them and I'm both proud and happy to call them family.
My Mom and sister miss you a lot. Katie has never missed anybody in her life, but she misses you. You made a huge impact on her young life and you were her best friend. Saturdays just aren't the same without you there.
You were always wonderful to me, love. That's what makes this the hardest. We weren't like most couples who fight and resent each other or have regrets and don't even like each other that much. I loved you and you loved me and we had an ability to compromise that made others jealous. I was your first priority in life, and you were mine. You made me feel special every single day. We spent almost every waking moment together and never got bored of each other's company or ran out of things to talk about. We were unbelieveable, darling. We were honest and loyal and respectful and I will miss you every day for the rest of my life. I will keep that night with your hat and my gloves close in my heart until the day I die.
It's never going to be the same without you here, but I'm trying really hard to be happy again because I know you always hated to see me sad. I know that the best way to honor you is to be the best person I can be and to be happy for the sake of our son, especially. I will be kind to others, I will live honestly, I will take risks, and I will be a good mother. Some days, like today, are especially difficult and make me miss you so much. I set up the kitchen table we were supposed to eat at together. When I sit there to eat now, I will stare across the table at empty space instead of you. You always did love my cooking and I never got tired of hearing your compliments and appreciation for anything I made.
You were one of a kind, my love, and I will miss you for the rest of my life. I would give anything to have you here in my arms again. I want us to live that life; the one we planned out together and dreamed about. The one where You, Darwin and I were a family and we'd live by the ocean. The life where you could go crazy and I could bring you back again; where a single moment could capture two people so perfectly. The one where our hearts beat together as one.
See, a lot has changed without you here, my darling. Some of it probably wouldn't surprise you, some things happened that you told me you wanted, and other things have gone terribly and would probably make you sick. For the most part, I think you would be happy and surprised to know how many people loved and cared about you. Even some of the people who you thought didn't.
Darwin is doing really well. He's healthy like he always was and he's still the best baby in the world like we knew he would be. You would not believe how good this boy is to me. He's like his daddy was in that way. He's getting so big and when I look at him I see you. I would give anything to bring you back just to see your son one last time. He's starting to get really alert and active. He notices toys now and recognizes different people. He now makes the most adorable cooing noises and is smiling all the time. He's come so far and you've already missed so much and it eats me up inside to think that you will never hear him call you 'dada'. I know you always wanted what was best for him and I am doing my best to ensure that he is provided for the way you so loved to provide for him. It's difficult, however, because legally we can't prove that you wanted your son to be cared for in your absence (It's about the stupidest legal shit I've ever heard of). I'm working really hard though, sweetie, because I know you always wanted what was best for our little family.
I'm not doing so well but with the help of family and some of your friends I'm surviving. Some days all I do is think about you and cry. I write you letters, like this one, wishing you could actually read them. Life is so much harder without you there to love me. The thought of you missing your son's life absolutely kills me. I know how much you loved him and how in love with fatherhood you were the second he was born. I have never seen you as happy as you were each time you held him.
Sasktel held a Steak Night in your honor. I've been told that the proceeds will be going toward Darwin and I. Sasktel was always good to you in life, and they even keep your best interests at heart in death. I met a lot of the people you worked with or went to school with, and they are lovely. The funny thing was they held it at a sports bar which was so not you hahaha. I think you would have been pleased and surprised with the turnout, however.
Your family has been so good to us. Your Mom and I have become really close and reminisce about you all the time. They're helping me learn how to drive, Dave. I know, I never thought it would happen either, but I need to learn now, to help get Darwin back and forth to everything from doctor's appointments to Kindersley and who knows where else. Your family have been very supportive in every way and are loving any opportunity to spend time with Darwin. I love spending time with them and I'm both proud and happy to call them family.
My Mom and sister miss you a lot. Katie has never missed anybody in her life, but she misses you. You made a huge impact on her young life and you were her best friend. Saturdays just aren't the same without you there.
You were always wonderful to me, love. That's what makes this the hardest. We weren't like most couples who fight and resent each other or have regrets and don't even like each other that much. I loved you and you loved me and we had an ability to compromise that made others jealous. I was your first priority in life, and you were mine. You made me feel special every single day. We spent almost every waking moment together and never got bored of each other's company or ran out of things to talk about. We were unbelieveable, darling. We were honest and loyal and respectful and I will miss you every day for the rest of my life. I will keep that night with your hat and my gloves close in my heart until the day I die.
It's never going to be the same without you here, but I'm trying really hard to be happy again because I know you always hated to see me sad. I know that the best way to honor you is to be the best person I can be and to be happy for the sake of our son, especially. I will be kind to others, I will live honestly, I will take risks, and I will be a good mother. Some days, like today, are especially difficult and make me miss you so much. I set up the kitchen table we were supposed to eat at together. When I sit there to eat now, I will stare across the table at empty space instead of you. You always did love my cooking and I never got tired of hearing your compliments and appreciation for anything I made.
You were one of a kind, my love, and I will miss you for the rest of my life. I would give anything to have you here in my arms again. I want us to live that life; the one we planned out together and dreamed about. The one where You, Darwin and I were a family and we'd live by the ocean. The life where you could go crazy and I could bring you back again; where a single moment could capture two people so perfectly. The one where our hearts beat together as one.
I will miss you forever, my love.
Thursday, October 13, 2011
Tiny Reminders
When you are grieving the loss of someone as close to you as Dave was to me, it hurts every second of every day. As much as you might want to forget the pain for a while in order to live some form of normal life, it never works for very long. It's all too easy to get used to someone like Dave being around for every second of the day. You build up a collection of memories that consist of places, words, scents, pieces of furniture, sounds, colours and rooms. These tiny reminders follow you around and make themselves known when you least expect it.
Being in Kindersley has been wonderful yet painful at the same time. I love my family here, I love the scenery and the smell of the air. I love the golden glow of the fields and the swirling clouds in the sky. I love the sense of community and the way this town makes me feel.
All the reasons I love this place are bittersweet. I'm also met with tiny reminders of Dave. Reminders of what I have lost and the man who used to be by my side. Whether it's the couch in the basement where we watched Capote and Shutter Island, the shop where we worked together to clean the '03 Beetle we went on our first date in so it could be sold, the music store in town where Dave played a song on guitar for me, or the 7-11 where we stopped for big gulps every time we came to visit, these reminders exist everywhere in this town.
Perhaps the sweetest reminder came when Glenda played for me the last voicemail Dave left for her; for anybody. I recognized the message almost immediately. It was recorded the day before he died. In fact, it was less than 24 hours before I found him that he left this message. The message was to ask his Mom if she was going to be on Skype that evening to see Darwin before his best friend Tyler came over. Hearing his voice brought back a flood of memories of that night in particular. I cooked supper while Dave spoke with his Mom over Skype. She got to see Darwin and commented on how much bigger he had gotten. She reminded Dave that he had to change around the legal things at work on Monday through HR to update the records to include Darwin and I. We talked about how we were going to go to Kindersley later that month to visit. When the Skype call ended we ate our dinner and waited for Tyler to get there. When he did, he met Darwin for the first time and I took a picture on my phone. Tyler showed us a funny app that allowed you to take a photo of anybody and turn them into a zombie. We spent at least ten minutes trying to get a good picture of Darwin to turn him into a zombie. Dave ended up posting it on his Facebook wall.
We had great conversation, the guys had a few beers, and it was overall a really good night. When Tyler left, Dave and I watched an episode of Dexter, which had become our nightly tradition. Just hours after that, Dave was gone.
Hearing that voicemail message brought the memory of that entire night into my mind. It simultaneously brought tears of joy and sorrow to my eyes. Joy that Dave had a really fun night with his best friend before he died, and sorrow that such a night would never happen again.
Although these tiny reminders can cause pain, I wouldn't get rid of them if I could. Remembering Dave hurts because I loved him so much and the more I remember, the more I can pass on to Darwin as he grows up and begins to wonder why all the other little children have two parents. We have a hard road ahead of us but in this life, if I've learned anything, it's that memories are all we have and that life never gets easier so there's no use in letting it keep you down for long.
Being in Kindersley has been wonderful yet painful at the same time. I love my family here, I love the scenery and the smell of the air. I love the golden glow of the fields and the swirling clouds in the sky. I love the sense of community and the way this town makes me feel.
All the reasons I love this place are bittersweet. I'm also met with tiny reminders of Dave. Reminders of what I have lost and the man who used to be by my side. Whether it's the couch in the basement where we watched Capote and Shutter Island, the shop where we worked together to clean the '03 Beetle we went on our first date in so it could be sold, the music store in town where Dave played a song on guitar for me, or the 7-11 where we stopped for big gulps every time we came to visit, these reminders exist everywhere in this town.
Perhaps the sweetest reminder came when Glenda played for me the last voicemail Dave left for her; for anybody. I recognized the message almost immediately. It was recorded the day before he died. In fact, it was less than 24 hours before I found him that he left this message. The message was to ask his Mom if she was going to be on Skype that evening to see Darwin before his best friend Tyler came over. Hearing his voice brought back a flood of memories of that night in particular. I cooked supper while Dave spoke with his Mom over Skype. She got to see Darwin and commented on how much bigger he had gotten. She reminded Dave that he had to change around the legal things at work on Monday through HR to update the records to include Darwin and I. We talked about how we were going to go to Kindersley later that month to visit. When the Skype call ended we ate our dinner and waited for Tyler to get there. When he did, he met Darwin for the first time and I took a picture on my phone. Tyler showed us a funny app that allowed you to take a photo of anybody and turn them into a zombie. We spent at least ten minutes trying to get a good picture of Darwin to turn him into a zombie. Dave ended up posting it on his Facebook wall.
We had great conversation, the guys had a few beers, and it was overall a really good night. When Tyler left, Dave and I watched an episode of Dexter, which had become our nightly tradition. Just hours after that, Dave was gone.
Hearing that voicemail message brought the memory of that entire night into my mind. It simultaneously brought tears of joy and sorrow to my eyes. Joy that Dave had a really fun night with his best friend before he died, and sorrow that such a night would never happen again.
Although these tiny reminders can cause pain, I wouldn't get rid of them if I could. Remembering Dave hurts because I loved him so much and the more I remember, the more I can pass on to Darwin as he grows up and begins to wonder why all the other little children have two parents. We have a hard road ahead of us but in this life, if I've learned anything, it's that memories are all we have and that life never gets easier so there's no use in letting it keep you down for long.
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
Photographs
One of the many things I learned from Dave's death is that you can never have too many photos of the people you love. When you search through the folders on your computer and realize that the only time you really did take photos was when you were on vacation, you feel awful. It's enough to make you vow to take more photos on a regular basis, and that's what I've been trying to do. My old camera was a huge, bulky SLR. I decided to get a new one that was portable enough that I would remember to take it with me to various events/special occasions with people I love.
Yesterday was Thanksgiving and I brought my camera. It was decided that we would all head outside in the early afternoon to take photographs. It was a lot of fun, and we got some great shots of the kids, especially. Photos of Darwin are even more important to me lately simply because he's growing so fast! He's adorable, too, so it's not hard to get a good photo of the little guy.
Here are some of my favorites from our Thanksgiving photos:
Yesterday was Thanksgiving and I brought my camera. It was decided that we would all head outside in the early afternoon to take photographs. It was a lot of fun, and we got some great shots of the kids, especially. Photos of Darwin are even more important to me lately simply because he's growing so fast! He's adorable, too, so it's not hard to get a good photo of the little guy.
Here are some of my favorites from our Thanksgiving photos:
Monday, October 10, 2011
A Thanksgiving Post
Today is the one month anniversary of Dave's death. Based on that, I questioned even writing a Thanksgiving post because when I think of what I've lost, it's hard to feel even a little bit thankful for life.
Losing someone who means the world to you is something that is difficult to get through, but you have to. If you don't keep fighting to overcome these horrific times in your life, you will quickly get dragged under and before you know it, life will not feel like it's worth living anymore. You need to hold onto the good things that remain in your life, which is why I have decided to go ahead with a post about Thanksgiving. Although I suffered a tremendous loss this year, I have also learned a lot and have much to be thankful for.
I'm thankful for the child I now have in my life. Darwin is a joy and I love being his mother. He is now the only member of the family I started with Dave and I now live for him. He's now the only other person in my life that I can truly depend on to be there. He gives me so much joy every day and is always growing and changing. He gives me the drive I need to get up in the mornings and he's healthy as can be.
I'm thankful for the love I still do have in my life. The love of family and friends gives me strength and I am thankful to each and every person in my life who has made an effort to be there for me and to show me love when I needed it the most.
I am thankful for everyone, friends and strangers alike, who has offered words of support or wisdom during this difficult time for Darwin and I. Your support means the world to me.
I am thankful for my own good health. My pregnancy this year was as good as it could have possibly been with no complications. Darwin was born healthy and the delivery posed no risks or difficulties. My body is slowly returning to its original state and I'm feeling really good.
I am thankful that I did have Dave in my life for the majority of the year. He taught me to love with my whole heart and to take risks without fear. He taught me to take what I wanted from life and not to make excuses. He showed me love like nobody ever has before or likely will again. He filled up my heart and my life with the most pure emotion there is; love. I'm thankful that I accepted that love and that I got to experience, however brief, true happiness and acceptance.
I'm thankful for the changes I've witnessed within myself over the last year. I've become stronger, wiser, and more aware of myself and others. I've matured in more ways than I can count.
I'm thankful for this blog. Without it, I couldn't have gotten through this year in one piece. Having somewhere to write out all of my feelings uncensored has been my main coping tool for dealing with all of the dark feelings that have come into play over the last month.
I'm thankful to you, dear readers, for your continued support. Your comments on the blog, Facebook, and the many private messages you have sent me really keep me going some days. To those who have wrote me saying my blog has helped you in some way, I thank you. It is people like you who make blogging a very rewarding experience.
Thanksgiving is a great time to reflect on your year and think of what good has come out of it. Even if you have had the worst year in the history of all your years, there is always something (and usually a list of things) that you can be thankful for.
Losing someone who means the world to you is something that is difficult to get through, but you have to. If you don't keep fighting to overcome these horrific times in your life, you will quickly get dragged under and before you know it, life will not feel like it's worth living anymore. You need to hold onto the good things that remain in your life, which is why I have decided to go ahead with a post about Thanksgiving. Although I suffered a tremendous loss this year, I have also learned a lot and have much to be thankful for.
I'm thankful for the child I now have in my life. Darwin is a joy and I love being his mother. He is now the only member of the family I started with Dave and I now live for him. He's now the only other person in my life that I can truly depend on to be there. He gives me so much joy every day and is always growing and changing. He gives me the drive I need to get up in the mornings and he's healthy as can be.
I'm thankful for the love I still do have in my life. The love of family and friends gives me strength and I am thankful to each and every person in my life who has made an effort to be there for me and to show me love when I needed it the most.
I am thankful for everyone, friends and strangers alike, who has offered words of support or wisdom during this difficult time for Darwin and I. Your support means the world to me.
I am thankful for my own good health. My pregnancy this year was as good as it could have possibly been with no complications. Darwin was born healthy and the delivery posed no risks or difficulties. My body is slowly returning to its original state and I'm feeling really good.
I am thankful that I did have Dave in my life for the majority of the year. He taught me to love with my whole heart and to take risks without fear. He taught me to take what I wanted from life and not to make excuses. He showed me love like nobody ever has before or likely will again. He filled up my heart and my life with the most pure emotion there is; love. I'm thankful that I accepted that love and that I got to experience, however brief, true happiness and acceptance.
I'm thankful for the changes I've witnessed within myself over the last year. I've become stronger, wiser, and more aware of myself and others. I've matured in more ways than I can count.
I'm thankful for this blog. Without it, I couldn't have gotten through this year in one piece. Having somewhere to write out all of my feelings uncensored has been my main coping tool for dealing with all of the dark feelings that have come into play over the last month.
I'm thankful to you, dear readers, for your continued support. Your comments on the blog, Facebook, and the many private messages you have sent me really keep me going some days. To those who have wrote me saying my blog has helped you in some way, I thank you. It is people like you who make blogging a very rewarding experience.
Thanksgiving is a great time to reflect on your year and think of what good has come out of it. Even if you have had the worst year in the history of all your years, there is always something (and usually a list of things) that you can be thankful for.
Sunday, October 9, 2011
Driving in a Straight Line
Not many people can say they made it to the age of 26 before learning how to drive, yet I am one of those people. You might be wondering how in the world I have survived without the ability to get around in a vehicle. To be honest, there are many reasons that have allowed me to get by without driving.
Anxiety. It can really limit your life without you even realizing it. When you let your fears get the best of you, before you know it, you've painted yourself into a corner and life becomes more about things you can't do rather than things you can do. Driving is one of those anxieties for me. I see everything as a potential accident and end up working myself into a frenzy complete with hyperventilation, heart palpitations and the urge to get as far away from the vehicle as quickly as possible.
The other reason I haven't gotten a license yet is that I simply haven't had to. Up until now I've always had this boyfriend or that boyfriend who did all of the driving. Perhaps I would have gotten my license sooner if I had been forced into taking the bus a lot or if I really had no other option but to get my license. With Dave gone and nobody in the driver's seat anymore, it's up to me to get myself and now Darwin around town or back and forth to Kindersley.
I know it's something that I will simply have to do now but getting from now to the point where I can safely and confidently drive around is what is scaring me the most. The idea of driving; getting into a potential accident or hurting someone has me feeling that anxiety. The only difference between then and now is that I can't run from the anxiety anymore. I can't simply laugh it off and say I can't drive. I have to now. I need that independence and I need to take on that responsibility for my little one.
Today, I drove. Dave's father, Al, took me driving out on the dirt roads and in the fields of Kindersley. White-knuckling the wheel and tense all over I followed Al's instructions and I'm proud to say that I drove. It started out slow and panic-inducing but by the end? Honestly? I was having fun. Driving in town is a whole different story, but right now I'm confident that with enough practice I can do what I need to do, anxiety or not, for my son.
Anxiety. It can really limit your life without you even realizing it. When you let your fears get the best of you, before you know it, you've painted yourself into a corner and life becomes more about things you can't do rather than things you can do. Driving is one of those anxieties for me. I see everything as a potential accident and end up working myself into a frenzy complete with hyperventilation, heart palpitations and the urge to get as far away from the vehicle as quickly as possible.
The other reason I haven't gotten a license yet is that I simply haven't had to. Up until now I've always had this boyfriend or that boyfriend who did all of the driving. Perhaps I would have gotten my license sooner if I had been forced into taking the bus a lot or if I really had no other option but to get my license. With Dave gone and nobody in the driver's seat anymore, it's up to me to get myself and now Darwin around town or back and forth to Kindersley.
I know it's something that I will simply have to do now but getting from now to the point where I can safely and confidently drive around is what is scaring me the most. The idea of driving; getting into a potential accident or hurting someone has me feeling that anxiety. The only difference between then and now is that I can't run from the anxiety anymore. I can't simply laugh it off and say I can't drive. I have to now. I need that independence and I need to take on that responsibility for my little one.
Today, I drove. Dave's father, Al, took me driving out on the dirt roads and in the fields of Kindersley. White-knuckling the wheel and tense all over I followed Al's instructions and I'm proud to say that I drove. It started out slow and panic-inducing but by the end? Honestly? I was having fun. Driving in town is a whole different story, but right now I'm confident that with enough practice I can do what I need to do, anxiety or not, for my son.
Saturday, October 8, 2011
Back in Kindersley
Since the funeral, I've been at home in Regina trying to figure things out for myself. It's been a swirl of people, distractions, tears, confusion, stress and paperwork. While there are starting to be more good moments than bad ones, the future is still so uncertain. There is still a lot of healing to do and a lot of tasks to accomplish with the estate. It's a pain in the ass.
Thursday night, there was a benefit held for Darwin and I by Dave's place of work, Sasktel. Dave's parents Al and Glenda came down from Kindersley for it. Originally I was not going to go to it. A mixture of Darwin not being allowed (it was held at a bar) and my anxiety got the best of me for a while. I was eventually convinced by a friend that it would be okay and so I went. Al and Glenda took turns watching Darwin outside in the van while I spent a moderate amount of time inside meeting some people. At first my anxiety was pretty bad but eventually I calmed down. I ended up having a really, really good time that night. It was nice.
Al and Glenda offered to take me back to Kindersley with them for a visit that should last a week. I was grateful for the offer. Kindersley is such a relaxing town to spend time in and it's always a pleasure to be here surrounded by family, fresh air and a sense of calm that doesn't exist in the large city I live in.
So yesterday morning we went for breakfast before taking care of some errands. One of these errands consisted of giving up my dog, Juno. Dave and I got her together. Since Darwin was born and Dave passed away, it's gotten to be a bit much taking care of Juno along with everything else. I was basically ignoring her and she would drive me nuts barking at anybody who moved. I posted a message on Facebook a few days ago offering her for free to a good home. I had a few people show interest but nobody was able to take her so before leaving for Kindersley, I surrendered her to the local animal shelter.
I'm in Kindersley now with Darwin at my side, as I sit on the couch with my laptop at 12:31AM while everyone else is asleep. I don't know what this next week will bring but I'm happy to be in a place where I can relax in a slower paced environment and reflect on life. I even brought up some art supplies in case inspiration hits. At the very least I can clear my head and hit the reset button to prepare myself for whatever life decides to throw at me next.
Thursday night, there was a benefit held for Darwin and I by Dave's place of work, Sasktel. Dave's parents Al and Glenda came down from Kindersley for it. Originally I was not going to go to it. A mixture of Darwin not being allowed (it was held at a bar) and my anxiety got the best of me for a while. I was eventually convinced by a friend that it would be okay and so I went. Al and Glenda took turns watching Darwin outside in the van while I spent a moderate amount of time inside meeting some people. At first my anxiety was pretty bad but eventually I calmed down. I ended up having a really, really good time that night. It was nice.
Al and Glenda offered to take me back to Kindersley with them for a visit that should last a week. I was grateful for the offer. Kindersley is such a relaxing town to spend time in and it's always a pleasure to be here surrounded by family, fresh air and a sense of calm that doesn't exist in the large city I live in.
So yesterday morning we went for breakfast before taking care of some errands. One of these errands consisted of giving up my dog, Juno. Dave and I got her together. Since Darwin was born and Dave passed away, it's gotten to be a bit much taking care of Juno along with everything else. I was basically ignoring her and she would drive me nuts barking at anybody who moved. I posted a message on Facebook a few days ago offering her for free to a good home. I had a few people show interest but nobody was able to take her so before leaving for Kindersley, I surrendered her to the local animal shelter.
I'm in Kindersley now with Darwin at my side, as I sit on the couch with my laptop at 12:31AM while everyone else is asleep. I don't know what this next week will bring but I'm happy to be in a place where I can relax in a slower paced environment and reflect on life. I even brought up some art supplies in case inspiration hits. At the very least I can clear my head and hit the reset button to prepare myself for whatever life decides to throw at me next.
Monday, October 3, 2011
The Blog Post of the Century
It's rare that a blog post comes along that changes lives. A post so truly epic in nature that it rocks the very foundation of everything you think you know about the internet. Ladies and gentlemen, this is one of those posts. As your eyes scan these very words, you might be wondering what could possibly be so epic and important that I had to post it in the middle of the day instead of the middle of the night when I usually update. You are likely reading with growing excitement and anticipation, eager to learn what is so important about this post.
See this guy?
I know what you're thinking: "Who is this guy and how did he get to be so awesome?"
This is Tyler. And you're right, he's awesome. He's the most awesome person I know and my best friend. As you can tell from the photo, he's also very handsome. What you can't tell from the photo is how kind, generous, thoughtful, creative and hilarious he is.
Now you're probably thinking: "Wow! Tyler is the most awesome human being on the planet! What can I do to appease this man?"
I know. It's a common reaction. This, ladies and gentlemen, is what makes this post so epic. Not only is the actual post awesome, but you have a chance to be part of the greatness! Are you at your computer right now wondering what you can do today to change the world? I have the answer for you, dear readers.
Tyler, the most awesome man on the planet (and a filmmaker to boot), entered a contest to display his superior skills to Z99, a local radio station. He is currently in the top 10 of the most epic contest that will probably ever be held. In order to win, Tyler needs your help, readers! It doesn't take long, you will make the most awesome man on the planet happy, and you can become a part of this, the blog post of the century. Once complete, you will reenter the world with a sense of happiness that you have never felt before.
Ready?
Step 1 - Click Here
Step 2 - See the video called "Life Would Be Weird?" Rate it 5 stars after you watch it and laugh harder than you have ever laughed in your life.
Bonus Points: Share that link with everyone you know so that they, too, can become part of the epicness.
That's it! You're done! Upon graduation from this 2 step program, you will become an awesome human being. Studies show that voting for Tyler makes you more successful in life, in love, and in business.
Go forth, dear readers, and vote!
See this guy?
I know what you're thinking: "Who is this guy and how did he get to be so awesome?"
This is Tyler. And you're right, he's awesome. He's the most awesome person I know and my best friend. As you can tell from the photo, he's also very handsome. What you can't tell from the photo is how kind, generous, thoughtful, creative and hilarious he is.
Now you're probably thinking: "Wow! Tyler is the most awesome human being on the planet! What can I do to appease this man?"
I know. It's a common reaction. This, ladies and gentlemen, is what makes this post so epic. Not only is the actual post awesome, but you have a chance to be part of the greatness! Are you at your computer right now wondering what you can do today to change the world? I have the answer for you, dear readers.
Tyler, the most awesome man on the planet (and a filmmaker to boot), entered a contest to display his superior skills to Z99, a local radio station. He is currently in the top 10 of the most epic contest that will probably ever be held. In order to win, Tyler needs your help, readers! It doesn't take long, you will make the most awesome man on the planet happy, and you can become a part of this, the blog post of the century. Once complete, you will reenter the world with a sense of happiness that you have never felt before.
Ready?
Step 1 - Click Here
Step 2 - See the video called "Life Would Be Weird?" Rate it 5 stars after you watch it and laugh harder than you have ever laughed in your life.
Bonus Points: Share that link with everyone you know so that they, too, can become part of the epicness.
That's it! You're done! Upon graduation from this 2 step program, you will become an awesome human being. Studies show that voting for Tyler makes you more successful in life, in love, and in business.
Go forth, dear readers, and vote!
Temporary Mac User
My laptop is bipolar. Some days it's completely healthy and happy and does what I tell it to. Other days, like today, it suicides all over the coffee table.
I think it was just a little over a week ago when it last acted up. I thought I'd lost everything because like some kind of idiot I never back up my computer. After an intense day of trying to fix it and announcing to Facebook that it was completely dead, it finally got working again. I made a mental note to back up my most important files on a flash drive in case it happened again.
Then, like a person with half a brain and a digital death wish, I continued on without backing up anything, thinking I had plenty of time to do that later. Procrastinator. At least I'm optimistic; I never thought it would crap out again so soon.
I woke up and like every other day turned on my laptop. While waiting for it to boot up I changed Darwin's diaper. I returned to the couch to see nothing but a black screen. The lights were on, but my laptop wasn't home.
You've got to be kidding me.
There was no way my computer could be doing this to me again. Not this soon after it had been fixed. I thought it must certainly be a fluke and hit the power button to try again. Same thing happened. A string of profanity escaped from between my lips before I had a chance to censor myself and I got that sinking feeling. What if it doesn't zombie back to me this time?
I tried all the regular stuff to fix it, followed on-screen instructions like a champ, and used my internet-capable phone to search for solutions. Just like last time. Nothing I was doing was helping in the least. I tried restoring Windows back to previous settings, which was what fixed it last time. In my mind, it was definitely going to work again. When it didn't I wondered how long it would be before I died from the lack of computer. No, really, you don't understand. I use it Every. Single. Day. All day, it's on and it's there. It's my social life, my job, the way I learn, and my journal. I can't just not use it. It's been my loyal companion for 5 years!
My faithful laptop was pronounced dead at 8:56PM on October 2nd. I tried everything I can do right now to fix it, but it seems it was too late.
Did I mention that I'm a stupid procrastinator? The near death of my laptop a week ago should have taught me something, but it didn't! I had every intention of backing some things up but I guess my idiot brain decided I had plenty of time to do that and so I didn't. I'm disappointed in myself.
Luckily, all hope is not lost. There is one thing I haven't tried yet, which is a complete reinstall of Windows. There is a way to get files off the computer before that happens, which is lucky for people like me who don't learn from their mistakes. Unfortunately it's going to require a second computer to get that done, and my super awesome friend Tyler is going to help me with that in a couple of days. Until then... I have to use... a Mac.
I'm a PC girl, all the way. I've tried using Macs and they really just don't do it for me. I'm on Dave's MacBook Pro right now, and I hate it. There's a stupid icon jumping up from the bottom of the screen like it's happy to see me, but I really just want it to burn in Mac hell. Everything is named weird and in strange places and nothing makes sense. No right clicking? Are you freaking kidding me? It takes 10x longer to do anything on here compared to my trusty PC... and that's if you can do it at all. I feel so limited.
Oh, for the love of Bill Gates! I really hope my laptop can be resurrected once again. I pray to the HP gods that its life can again be restored to a useful state. Until then, I guess I have no choice but to be a temporary Mac user.
I think it was just a little over a week ago when it last acted up. I thought I'd lost everything because like some kind of idiot I never back up my computer. After an intense day of trying to fix it and announcing to Facebook that it was completely dead, it finally got working again. I made a mental note to back up my most important files on a flash drive in case it happened again.
Then, like a person with half a brain and a digital death wish, I continued on without backing up anything, thinking I had plenty of time to do that later. Procrastinator. At least I'm optimistic; I never thought it would crap out again so soon.
I woke up and like every other day turned on my laptop. While waiting for it to boot up I changed Darwin's diaper. I returned to the couch to see nothing but a black screen. The lights were on, but my laptop wasn't home.
You've got to be kidding me.
There was no way my computer could be doing this to me again. Not this soon after it had been fixed. I thought it must certainly be a fluke and hit the power button to try again. Same thing happened. A string of profanity escaped from between my lips before I had a chance to censor myself and I got that sinking feeling. What if it doesn't zombie back to me this time?
I tried all the regular stuff to fix it, followed on-screen instructions like a champ, and used my internet-capable phone to search for solutions. Just like last time. Nothing I was doing was helping in the least. I tried restoring Windows back to previous settings, which was what fixed it last time. In my mind, it was definitely going to work again. When it didn't I wondered how long it would be before I died from the lack of computer. No, really, you don't understand. I use it Every. Single. Day. All day, it's on and it's there. It's my social life, my job, the way I learn, and my journal. I can't just not use it. It's been my loyal companion for 5 years!
My faithful laptop was pronounced dead at 8:56PM on October 2nd. I tried everything I can do right now to fix it, but it seems it was too late.
Did I mention that I'm a stupid procrastinator? The near death of my laptop a week ago should have taught me something, but it didn't! I had every intention of backing some things up but I guess my idiot brain decided I had plenty of time to do that and so I didn't. I'm disappointed in myself.
Luckily, all hope is not lost. There is one thing I haven't tried yet, which is a complete reinstall of Windows. There is a way to get files off the computer before that happens, which is lucky for people like me who don't learn from their mistakes. Unfortunately it's going to require a second computer to get that done, and my super awesome friend Tyler is going to help me with that in a couple of days. Until then... I have to use... a Mac.
I'm a PC girl, all the way. I've tried using Macs and they really just don't do it for me. I'm on Dave's MacBook Pro right now, and I hate it. There's a stupid icon jumping up from the bottom of the screen like it's happy to see me, but I really just want it to burn in Mac hell. Everything is named weird and in strange places and nothing makes sense. No right clicking? Are you freaking kidding me? It takes 10x longer to do anything on here compared to my trusty PC... and that's if you can do it at all. I feel so limited.
Oh, for the love of Bill Gates! I really hope my laptop can be resurrected once again. I pray to the HP gods that its life can again be restored to a useful state. Until then, I guess I have no choice but to be a temporary Mac user.
Sunday, October 2, 2011
Just When You Think You're Okay
I'm an emotionally honest person.I don't hide the way I feel; especially not from myself. I don't bottle anything up. I wear my heart on my sleeve and tend to leave myself open and vulnerable because of it.
I was surprised, that for the last week and a half, I hadn't gotten overly emotional about losing Dave. Maybe it's over. Maybe I'm moving on. I was beginning to feel the faint beginnings of happiness starting to well up in my chest. I could see a future for Darwin and I that wasn't quite so dull. Although it still hurt to have Dave missing from my life, I could see a way through the darkness.
Every Saturday, we have a new tradition where my family comes over and I cook them supper. Everything went according to plan. We all had a good time, watched a movie, and had some great conversations. They left shortly after 1:00AM. I sat down on my computer as usual and turned on some music. I had planned to update my blog with a semi-amusing story of something that happened earlier in the day. I unloaded some photos from my camera that were meant to accompany that story. I sat with the bluish glow of the laptop for a few moments when a load of emotion hit me like a ton of bricks.
It all emerged from a single, bittersweet thought of a kiss. The memory crept up on me without much warning. Though the reminiscence of his lips on mine was welcomed and adored it was also instantly met with intense sorrow. Sorrow for never again being able to experience such joy; such passion. Sadness for a love so swiftly destroyed. Suffering for my heart, which was dropped the second his stopped beating.
This Dave-shaped hole in my life isn't going to just fade away; it isn't going to be filled and polished over to start again. He's really gone. I'm really alone. At the end of the day, when any visitors I have leave to return to their lives and their families, I stand alone. I'm faced with a bleak and all-too-real feeling of hopelessness that seems to grow stronger with each passing day. As optimistic as I try to be, it doesn't change the fact that I feel like my heart is dying.
Dave woke up parts of me that I didn't know existed. Now that he's gone, these pieces I grew to love and rely on so much have begun to fade away. I fear that a big part of me died as Dave took his last breath. Am I doomed to a lifetime of loneliness and memories of what once was? Although I'm marching on for Darwin's sake, every day feels empty somehow. Each night as I close my eyes to an empty bed beside me, I feel the icy bite of what should have been and my heart grows colder.
As I sit here now writing this, with nothing but the sound of my own tears hitting the floor to fill the silence, I can't help but wonder if this is always going to hurt so badly. Will I live again? Will I love again? Can I really do this on my own? I wish I knew the answers to all of the questions spiraling around in my mind. What I do know is that right now, in this moment at 4:40AM on a Sunday, I have never needed him more.
I was surprised, that for the last week and a half, I hadn't gotten overly emotional about losing Dave. Maybe it's over. Maybe I'm moving on. I was beginning to feel the faint beginnings of happiness starting to well up in my chest. I could see a future for Darwin and I that wasn't quite so dull. Although it still hurt to have Dave missing from my life, I could see a way through the darkness.
Every Saturday, we have a new tradition where my family comes over and I cook them supper. Everything went according to plan. We all had a good time, watched a movie, and had some great conversations. They left shortly after 1:00AM. I sat down on my computer as usual and turned on some music. I had planned to update my blog with a semi-amusing story of something that happened earlier in the day. I unloaded some photos from my camera that were meant to accompany that story. I sat with the bluish glow of the laptop for a few moments when a load of emotion hit me like a ton of bricks.
It all emerged from a single, bittersweet thought of a kiss. The memory crept up on me without much warning. Though the reminiscence of his lips on mine was welcomed and adored it was also instantly met with intense sorrow. Sorrow for never again being able to experience such joy; such passion. Sadness for a love so swiftly destroyed. Suffering for my heart, which was dropped the second his stopped beating.
This Dave-shaped hole in my life isn't going to just fade away; it isn't going to be filled and polished over to start again. He's really gone. I'm really alone. At the end of the day, when any visitors I have leave to return to their lives and their families, I stand alone. I'm faced with a bleak and all-too-real feeling of hopelessness that seems to grow stronger with each passing day. As optimistic as I try to be, it doesn't change the fact that I feel like my heart is dying.
Dave woke up parts of me that I didn't know existed. Now that he's gone, these pieces I grew to love and rely on so much have begun to fade away. I fear that a big part of me died as Dave took his last breath. Am I doomed to a lifetime of loneliness and memories of what once was? Although I'm marching on for Darwin's sake, every day feels empty somehow. Each night as I close my eyes to an empty bed beside me, I feel the icy bite of what should have been and my heart grows colder.
As I sit here now writing this, with nothing but the sound of my own tears hitting the floor to fill the silence, I can't help but wonder if this is always going to hurt so badly. Will I live again? Will I love again? Can I really do this on my own? I wish I knew the answers to all of the questions spiraling around in my mind. What I do know is that right now, in this moment at 4:40AM on a Sunday, I have never needed him more.
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