I find myself in one of the strangest and most difficult to explain moods that I have ever been in. With the holidays fast approaching I find myself feeling more and more anxious. I wish I could pause time until I feel ready to move forward into the holidays.
I'm scared.
It's a bizarre situation to be in. Although I know I should feel happy inside because it's Darwin's first Christmas, it's also the first one without Dave, and he was looking forward to the coming weeks perhaps more than I ever was.
I wish that I could just close my eyes and ignore life into the new year when maybe holidays won't suck so bad, but I know that I don't have a choice. The only way to the other side of the holidays is to go through them and as awful as that is going to feel, it has to be done. My eyes will do a lot of raining over the next few weeks and most of this time will be spent alone, no doubt.
It's not that I haven't tried. I've downloaded some Christmas music, and I've started on some gifts but every time I see a candy cane or a photo of a family enjoying a beautifully decorated tree, it only serves to point out my inability to truly enjoy anything this year.
As people become more and more busy with their holiday preparations, I will undoubtedly feel more and more alone.
Maybe next year will be better. But, this year I'll have to fake it.
Wish you were here, my love.
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
The Day Everying Changed
It was exactly one year ago today that my life changed forever. Exactly one year ago I found out that I was pregnant with Darwin. Looking back now, I can still remember the overwhelming flow of mixed emotions that passed through me. I was scared, I was happy, it was unexpected.
My period was 4 days late, which was extremely unusual for me because it usually came right on time. I originally thought nothing of it. Periods are late sometimes. No big deal, right? I had a weird feeling though. So, I told Dave I was worried, and that day while he was at work he bought a pregnancy test.
He had his piano lesson that day and I decided to take the test once he had left for that. When the moment came for me to pee on that little plastic stick, I was more nervous than ever. What if I was pregnant? What would we do? Our relationship was only just beginning, after all. Everything had moved fast up until this point, could we really handle a baby?
When the test came back positive I wasn't sure what to feel. I know what deep down I was happy that I would be a mother, but the timing was so soon. How would Dave handle the news? He would be home in less than an hour, how was I even going to tell him? He knew I was taking the test while he was gone, so would expect an answer as soon as he came in the door.
I spent the next hour or so on the phone with my Mom, telling her. When Dave finally came in the door, he looked at me expectantly. "It wasn't negative" were the only three words I could manage to get out. He looked confused. "So, you're..."
"Yes."
A few seconds of silence followed. He looked as if he was pondering the news and a hint of a smile shone through as he walked across the room and took me in his arms. We stood for a while, holding each other and in the emotional weight of the situation we both cried. We discussed our fears, our hopes and our thoughts. He talked about his worries about being able to provide for a child, and his worries surrounding his health. I talked about my worries of being a good mom and we both talked about our worries in telling the people in our lives. See, although Dave's and my relationship moved quickly and to outsiders probably looked irresponsible and too fast, it never seemed that way to us. Everything always felt completely natural and normal and right on time.
Nobody else would understand.
And so we waited a little bit to tell most people. That night we curled up on the couch, his hand on my belly, and watched the movie Juno.
My period was 4 days late, which was extremely unusual for me because it usually came right on time. I originally thought nothing of it. Periods are late sometimes. No big deal, right? I had a weird feeling though. So, I told Dave I was worried, and that day while he was at work he bought a pregnancy test.
He had his piano lesson that day and I decided to take the test once he had left for that. When the moment came for me to pee on that little plastic stick, I was more nervous than ever. What if I was pregnant? What would we do? Our relationship was only just beginning, after all. Everything had moved fast up until this point, could we really handle a baby?
When the test came back positive I wasn't sure what to feel. I know what deep down I was happy that I would be a mother, but the timing was so soon. How would Dave handle the news? He would be home in less than an hour, how was I even going to tell him? He knew I was taking the test while he was gone, so would expect an answer as soon as he came in the door.
I spent the next hour or so on the phone with my Mom, telling her. When Dave finally came in the door, he looked at me expectantly. "It wasn't negative" were the only three words I could manage to get out. He looked confused. "So, you're..."
"Yes."
A few seconds of silence followed. He looked as if he was pondering the news and a hint of a smile shone through as he walked across the room and took me in his arms. We stood for a while, holding each other and in the emotional weight of the situation we both cried. We discussed our fears, our hopes and our thoughts. He talked about his worries about being able to provide for a child, and his worries surrounding his health. I talked about my worries of being a good mom and we both talked about our worries in telling the people in our lives. See, although Dave's and my relationship moved quickly and to outsiders probably looked irresponsible and too fast, it never seemed that way to us. Everything always felt completely natural and normal and right on time.
Nobody else would understand.
And so we waited a little bit to tell most people. That night we curled up on the couch, his hand on my belly, and watched the movie Juno.
Monday, November 28, 2011
Parking Lot Apprehension
As a habitual window-watcher, there is no end to the things I see through these rectangular openings in my walls. Peering through the blinds at odd hours of the day and night, I've been a silent witness to some pretty crazy things. I live in an apartment-style condo that faces the parking lot of a large hotel. On the other side of that hotel is one of the main streets in the city, so although I live in a residential building, the back of that building faces 100% commercial real estate. I have seen a lot of weird things. Some have made me laugh and others cause me to fear for my safety.
Weeks after moving in, I witnessed a man in a blond wig, air-guitaring through the parking lot. No reason. He was alone. I think he might have lost his mind.
About six months ago, I witnessed two very intoxicated individuals beating the crap out of each other on a set of stairs leading up to the back door of the hotel. This happened at three in the morning. I can only guess at what it was likely about but probably something stupid as they stopped fighting and sat to have a cigarette together.
A few months ago I witnessed a mostly verbal fight between two young men. One of these young men had apparently slept with the girlfriend of the other. It was some Grade-A Jerry Springer stuff as one slapped a phone out of the others hand and they began pushing each other around while the hopeless cab driver waited for it to be over so he could get paid.
Last week I witnessed 3 homeless individuals huffing something from a can and digging through my building's garbage. This happens more often than I can count.
Today was the first time I witnessed an actual arrest. It started at about 11:30PM, when I heard shouting coming from outside. I went to the window and peered through the blinds to see what the ruckus was all about. I saw three young men sprinting through the parking lot, their faces marked with fear and desperation. On their heels was a police car, lights glimmering red and blue in the night air. The ice on the ground and surrounding vehicles reflected the lights, exaggerating the entire scene. From the police car, a loud "whoop" sound came from the siren as two of the three young men darted behind a nearby shed commonly used for smoking cigarettes by hotel staff. The third man continued on foot, weaving between vehicles in the hotel's parking lot.
The police car stopped abruptly and instantly two policemen emerged. One ran to where the first two men were hiding, the other took off after the third. Within seconds, a second car pulled up with more policemen showing up to help.
My eyes were on the shed as one and then three policemen disappeared behind it. A symphony of shouting was heard, though the words spoken were mostly unclear. I imagine one of the policemen must have asked the two men to put their hands in the air because seconds later the two were marched out from behind the shed reaching for the stars.
Chests heaving, the two men were lead toward the parked and flashing cop car. The one carrying the bag appeared to be crying. The other's face was mostly obscured by shadow, beneath a ball cap style hat he wore. I wondered how long they had been running and why they had bothered to dart behind the shed when the police could obviously see them. One police officer stood with the two men while others searched the surrounding area with flashlights, including behind the shed. I assumed they were probably looking for abandoned drugs. They didn't appear to find anything.
At this point I realized that three more police cars had arrived. Out of the corner of my eye I noticed that the third man had been apprehended and was being brought back to where the other two stood. This third man was noticeably angry and seemed unruly. As they closed the remaining distance to the police car, he became defiant and began to twist away from the police officer. He held fast and pushed the man fast toward the front of the car. He was swiftly bent over the hood and cuffed, then searched. While I was watching him, the other two must have been put in the back of the cop car because I saw one pallid face looking despondently from the back window facing me. The other could not be seen but I assumed he was also in the back seat.
The resistant man was taken to one of the other four police cars and loaded into the back seat. At this point, all of the police officers were standing in a group talking and pointing to various areas in the parking lot. There was no way to tell what they were saying. A few of them broke off from the group and, with flashlights, searched some of the garbage cans, the ground, the space behind the shed, and under some vehicles. They didn't appear to find anything. After a few minutes the vehicles began to pull away and leave.
I have no idea what the three boys did. At first I thought maybe it was drug related, but they did not appear to be drug users. I thought maybe it was theft related, or perhaps they had assaulted someone. I may never know what all the commotion was about and can only speculate about what crime was committed. Just another interesting story seen between the slits of the blinds covering my window.
Weeks after moving in, I witnessed a man in a blond wig, air-guitaring through the parking lot. No reason. He was alone. I think he might have lost his mind.
About six months ago, I witnessed two very intoxicated individuals beating the crap out of each other on a set of stairs leading up to the back door of the hotel. This happened at three in the morning. I can only guess at what it was likely about but probably something stupid as they stopped fighting and sat to have a cigarette together.
A few months ago I witnessed a mostly verbal fight between two young men. One of these young men had apparently slept with the girlfriend of the other. It was some Grade-A Jerry Springer stuff as one slapped a phone out of the others hand and they began pushing each other around while the hopeless cab driver waited for it to be over so he could get paid.
Last week I witnessed 3 homeless individuals huffing something from a can and digging through my building's garbage. This happens more often than I can count.
Today was the first time I witnessed an actual arrest. It started at about 11:30PM, when I heard shouting coming from outside. I went to the window and peered through the blinds to see what the ruckus was all about. I saw three young men sprinting through the parking lot, their faces marked with fear and desperation. On their heels was a police car, lights glimmering red and blue in the night air. The ice on the ground and surrounding vehicles reflected the lights, exaggerating the entire scene. From the police car, a loud "whoop" sound came from the siren as two of the three young men darted behind a nearby shed commonly used for smoking cigarettes by hotel staff. The third man continued on foot, weaving between vehicles in the hotel's parking lot.
The police car stopped abruptly and instantly two policemen emerged. One ran to where the first two men were hiding, the other took off after the third. Within seconds, a second car pulled up with more policemen showing up to help.
My eyes were on the shed as one and then three policemen disappeared behind it. A symphony of shouting was heard, though the words spoken were mostly unclear. I imagine one of the policemen must have asked the two men to put their hands in the air because seconds later the two were marched out from behind the shed reaching for the stars.
Chests heaving, the two men were lead toward the parked and flashing cop car. The one carrying the bag appeared to be crying. The other's face was mostly obscured by shadow, beneath a ball cap style hat he wore. I wondered how long they had been running and why they had bothered to dart behind the shed when the police could obviously see them. One police officer stood with the two men while others searched the surrounding area with flashlights, including behind the shed. I assumed they were probably looking for abandoned drugs. They didn't appear to find anything.
At this point I realized that three more police cars had arrived. Out of the corner of my eye I noticed that the third man had been apprehended and was being brought back to where the other two stood. This third man was noticeably angry and seemed unruly. As they closed the remaining distance to the police car, he became defiant and began to twist away from the police officer. He held fast and pushed the man fast toward the front of the car. He was swiftly bent over the hood and cuffed, then searched. While I was watching him, the other two must have been put in the back of the cop car because I saw one pallid face looking despondently from the back window facing me. The other could not be seen but I assumed he was also in the back seat.
The resistant man was taken to one of the other four police cars and loaded into the back seat. At this point, all of the police officers were standing in a group talking and pointing to various areas in the parking lot. There was no way to tell what they were saying. A few of them broke off from the group and, with flashlights, searched some of the garbage cans, the ground, the space behind the shed, and under some vehicles. They didn't appear to find anything. After a few minutes the vehicles began to pull away and leave.
I have no idea what the three boys did. At first I thought maybe it was drug related, but they did not appear to be drug users. I thought maybe it was theft related, or perhaps they had assaulted someone. I may never know what all the commotion was about and can only speculate about what crime was committed. Just another interesting story seen between the slits of the blinds covering my window.
Sunday, November 27, 2011
Nights Like These
The evening following Dave's funeral was a whirlpool of shared memories with individuals from various stages of Dave's life. A few of the people who I gravitated toward that night included Tyler, Mike and his girlfriend Erin, among others. Mike and Erin were visiting from out of town and so, together with Tyler, stopped by tonight.
We had some drinks, played some Kinect Xbox 360 games like Dance Central 2, Fruit Ninja, and Zumba. We had some really wonderful conversations that covered topics everywhere from online dating to real estate and everywhere in between.
These are the kind of nights that I love, and would love to have more of. Nights where nothing exists but the people present and a tumultuous cloud of words spinning and building between them. Topics flow seamlessly from one to another, sometimes leading down roads you never expected.
What I like most about nights like this is that it makes the best possible use out of spending time with another person. You learn about people. You get these subtle clues that help you paint a clearer picture of the character behind the outer shell. You get to know them.
It was quite an enjoyable evening, indeed. I hope we get a chance to all get together again.
We had some drinks, played some Kinect Xbox 360 games like Dance Central 2, Fruit Ninja, and Zumba. We had some really wonderful conversations that covered topics everywhere from online dating to real estate and everywhere in between.
These are the kind of nights that I love, and would love to have more of. Nights where nothing exists but the people present and a tumultuous cloud of words spinning and building between them. Topics flow seamlessly from one to another, sometimes leading down roads you never expected.
What I like most about nights like this is that it makes the best possible use out of spending time with another person. You learn about people. You get these subtle clues that help you paint a clearer picture of the character behind the outer shell. You get to know them.
It was quite an enjoyable evening, indeed. I hope we get a chance to all get together again.
Saturday, November 26, 2011
First Commission Complete!
I have finally completed my first commission after re-entering the art game and I must say, I'm pleased with the result and luckily, so is the client! I finished it late last night and she picked it up today. It's a Christmas present for her parents.
Have a look!
8x10 inches charcoal on Bristol paper
Total time: approx 6 hours
This one also marks the first commission off my list for the goal of completing 25 portrait commissions. It's a good day. No, it's a great day.
Have a look!
8x10 inches charcoal on Bristol paper
Total time: approx 6 hours
This one also marks the first commission off my list for the goal of completing 25 portrait commissions. It's a good day. No, it's a great day.
Friday, November 25, 2011
California Will Never Be the Same (a Poem)
I remember the ocean, a heart drawn in the sand
A walk through a cactus garden as you held my hand
Our feet in the water and a collection of rocks
They now scratch the paint on your memory box
I remember hot swirling water that turned our skin red
Where we talked all night before climbing into bed
We awoke to the sunshine and another adventure
Four wheels on streets lined with spanish architecture
I remember getting pizza at the restaurant on the water
While we wondered if we would have a son or a daughter
We kissed atop a colourful mountain in the desert
Built by an old man with skin that looked like leather
I remember laughing with you on a winding road, up so high
That night you felt our baby move for the very first time
We visited some shops, you bought a shirt of brilliant blue
It was the one you loved best so it was buried with you
I remember wishing each moment would continue without end
Now time keeps creeping along and I miss my best friend
When I return with our son, my love, I will carry your flame
But darling, without you California will never be the same
A walk through a cactus garden as you held my hand
Our feet in the water and a collection of rocks
They now scratch the paint on your memory box
I remember hot swirling water that turned our skin red
Where we talked all night before climbing into bed
We awoke to the sunshine and another adventure
Four wheels on streets lined with spanish architecture
I remember getting pizza at the restaurant on the water
While we wondered if we would have a son or a daughter
We kissed atop a colourful mountain in the desert
Built by an old man with skin that looked like leather
I remember laughing with you on a winding road, up so high
That night you felt our baby move for the very first time
We visited some shops, you bought a shirt of brilliant blue
It was the one you loved best so it was buried with you
I remember wishing each moment would continue without end
Now time keeps creeping along and I miss my best friend
When I return with our son, my love, I will carry your flame
But darling, without you California will never be the same
Thursday, November 24, 2011
The Day the Dishwasher Died
As a person who despises doing the dishes more than any other chore, I've loved having a dishwasher. It requires mimimal effort to fill it up and turn it on and wait for it to do all the work.
Until today.
Yesterday I filled it up and turned it on like usual. Today, I open it up to put the dishes away only to find that the dishwasher had not done its job. The soap packate was on the bottom of the dishewasher, undissolved. The dishes were not clean.
I convinced myself that maybe, just maybe, I had done something wrong. Maybe I forgot to turn it on or perhaps I chose some incorrect setting. I put the blame on myself thinking it was probably just a user error. A temporary mishap. An honest mistake.
I took care to put in a fresh soap packet, selected all the normal settings and hit START again. Then, I waited. I waited for the whole cycle. When it was complete, I opened it hoping that the dishes would be clean like normal and everything would be back to normal.
Instead, everything looked the same, it was just hot. It appears as though the heat works, but no water is coming out. The dishwasher is dead, and it couldn't have died at a worse time. I don't have time for this right now. I have too much to do and no time to try and fix the dishwasher.
Let's hope the rest of the day is better than how it's started.
Until today.
Yesterday I filled it up and turned it on like usual. Today, I open it up to put the dishes away only to find that the dishwasher had not done its job. The soap packate was on the bottom of the dishewasher, undissolved. The dishes were not clean.
I convinced myself that maybe, just maybe, I had done something wrong. Maybe I forgot to turn it on or perhaps I chose some incorrect setting. I put the blame on myself thinking it was probably just a user error. A temporary mishap. An honest mistake.
I took care to put in a fresh soap packet, selected all the normal settings and hit START again. Then, I waited. I waited for the whole cycle. When it was complete, I opened it hoping that the dishes would be clean like normal and everything would be back to normal.
Instead, everything looked the same, it was just hot. It appears as though the heat works, but no water is coming out. The dishwasher is dead, and it couldn't have died at a worse time. I don't have time for this right now. I have too much to do and no time to try and fix the dishwasher.
Let's hope the rest of the day is better than how it's started.
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
Guess Who's Sleeping?
As I write this, it's just 8:30pm and my eyelids have become quite heavy. I will schedule this post to go up at its semi-regular time, in the wee hours of the morn.
This means I can cross #13 off of my Project 101 list. I didn't think I'd accomplish that one to be honest.
I would get all optimistic and hope that this is the start of a more permanently normal sleeping schedule for me, but that dream has been impossible to reach for my whole life so I won't bother. I do hope I can wake up at a decent time tomorrow, however.
I should have some sort of cool writing, like a poem or a short story that I will be posting in the next few days. Until then, I'm going to bed at 9:00PM!
Wow!
This means I can cross #13 off of my Project 101 list. I didn't think I'd accomplish that one to be honest.
I would get all optimistic and hope that this is the start of a more permanently normal sleeping schedule for me, but that dream has been impossible to reach for my whole life so I won't bother. I do hope I can wake up at a decent time tomorrow, however.
I should have some sort of cool writing, like a poem or a short story that I will be posting in the next few days. Until then, I'm going to bed at 9:00PM!
Wow!
Tuesday, November 22, 2011
I Need a Bigger Plate
I wish that each day had more than just 24 hours. Maybe that's why I'm trying to make that a reality. For the last little while I've only been sleeping once every 2 days. Sure, when I do sleep it's for about 12 hours at a time, but I've really been pushing my own boundaries lately when it comes to time.
The down side is that it isn't helping me. Yes, I skip a night of sleep but I'm often tired and completely useless during the extra time I am able to manufacture using this most unnatural of sleep methods.
I know this isn't healthy. Surviving on Rockstar Burner energy drinks and steak might seem like a good idea at the time, but I'm probably going to pay for it eventually.
I've just been in such a strange place lately. I have seemingly unlimited ambition but absolutely no focus. My mind keeps darting in all sorts of directions and won't stay still long enough to make any progress on the creative projects I want to do. I have two short stories that I frequently think about, a song I want to learn on guitar (although this has turned into a song I want to actually write and record), an autobiography I want to start writing, countless paintings I want to do (I have concepts galore), a poem I'm working on which is nearing completion, wooden frames I need to paint and personalize as gifts, and these are just the creative projects I want to do.
On top of the creative stuff are the portrait commissions I need to finish, a learner's permit test I need to study for, two appointments I need to make for Darwin and get him to, lawyer stuff I need to deal with, apply for Darwin's passport in preparation for a trip to California this coming March, and 21 (yes, twenty one) articles I need to finish by Friday.
I need better time management skills.
The down side is that it isn't helping me. Yes, I skip a night of sleep but I'm often tired and completely useless during the extra time I am able to manufacture using this most unnatural of sleep methods.
I know this isn't healthy. Surviving on Rockstar Burner energy drinks and steak might seem like a good idea at the time, but I'm probably going to pay for it eventually.
I've just been in such a strange place lately. I have seemingly unlimited ambition but absolutely no focus. My mind keeps darting in all sorts of directions and won't stay still long enough to make any progress on the creative projects I want to do. I have two short stories that I frequently think about, a song I want to learn on guitar (although this has turned into a song I want to actually write and record), an autobiography I want to start writing, countless paintings I want to do (I have concepts galore), a poem I'm working on which is nearing completion, wooden frames I need to paint and personalize as gifts, and these are just the creative projects I want to do.
On top of the creative stuff are the portrait commissions I need to finish, a learner's permit test I need to study for, two appointments I need to make for Darwin and get him to, lawyer stuff I need to deal with, apply for Darwin's passport in preparation for a trip to California this coming March, and 21 (yes, twenty one) articles I need to finish by Friday.
I need better time management skills.
Monday, November 21, 2011
The Great DVD Purge of 2011
Number 99 on my Project 101 list is to get rid of the majority of my DVDs. To simply give them away. I'm pleased to announce that this has been accomplished. I had roughly 100 DVDs and probably 40 or so box sets of television series and the like.
A few days ago, I separated what I was going to keep from what I wanted to give away, and I was surprised at how easy it was to put most of them in the pile to give away. Really, the only ones I kept were the overtly 'Dave' movies. Either movies that were special to him, or movies that were special to our relationship. All in all there were maybe 25 DVDs that I kept and around 70 I gave away. I kept 20 or so box sets (mostly just the X files and South Park) and gave away 20.
First choice went to my Mom, who picked out some great horror movies. Next, my friend Tyler was given a choice and, being the movie guru that he is, took the majority of the remaining DVDs. A few stray DVDs have gone in a few different directions and I"m left with around 20 DVDs that nobody has wanted so far.
Tyler gave me a pretty good idea on what to do with the rest of them, and I think I'll use that idea. He suggested that I take the remainder of the DVDs and put them in a common area of the apartment complex I live in for my neighbors to pick and choose from.
I like the idea of sharing with some of these neighbors whom I've never met. I think I will stick a business card in each of the DVDs to see how many of my neighbors will end up making their way to my blog.
A few days ago, I separated what I was going to keep from what I wanted to give away, and I was surprised at how easy it was to put most of them in the pile to give away. Really, the only ones I kept were the overtly 'Dave' movies. Either movies that were special to him, or movies that were special to our relationship. All in all there were maybe 25 DVDs that I kept and around 70 I gave away. I kept 20 or so box sets (mostly just the X files and South Park) and gave away 20.
First choice went to my Mom, who picked out some great horror movies. Next, my friend Tyler was given a choice and, being the movie guru that he is, took the majority of the remaining DVDs. A few stray DVDs have gone in a few different directions and I"m left with around 20 DVDs that nobody has wanted so far.
Tyler gave me a pretty good idea on what to do with the rest of them, and I think I'll use that idea. He suggested that I take the remainder of the DVDs and put them in a common area of the apartment complex I live in for my neighbors to pick and choose from.
I like the idea of sharing with some of these neighbors whom I've never met. I think I will stick a business card in each of the DVDs to see how many of my neighbors will end up making their way to my blog.
Sunday, November 20, 2011
A Space to Create
For a long time I have wanted to set up a mini-studio where I could do my artwork. Setting one up is #21 on my Project 101 list.
Well, I've done it! Since I was young, I have always liked cozy little areas to get creative in. So, it actually works to my advantage that there isn't a whole lot of space to work with here. I was able to make a cute little functional space that I can paint in and store my art supplies, which I was finally able to dig out of storage.
I missed my paints so much that I spent a good 10 minutes fondling them while putting them on the shelf. The easel is in a permanent location and everything is packed nicely into its own little area. I love this space! I'm sure I will get lots done here.
Well, I've done it! Since I was young, I have always liked cozy little areas to get creative in. So, it actually works to my advantage that there isn't a whole lot of space to work with here. I was able to make a cute little functional space that I can paint in and store my art supplies, which I was finally able to dig out of storage.
I missed my paints so much that I spent a good 10 minutes fondling them while putting them on the shelf. The easel is in a permanent location and everything is packed nicely into its own little area. I love this space! I'm sure I will get lots done here.
Saturday, November 19, 2011
Regarding Mortality
Dave's death touched me in so many profound ways that I am still discovering a lot of them. It's impossible to face the death of the person you love the most without putting the spotlight on your own mortality every once in a while. Death is an unpleasant subject, so it's easy to force it out of your mind. It's easy to awkwardly convince yourself that you'll live forever. After all, you're young and healthy and nobody dies in their twenties, right? You'll think about it later, on some arbitrary far future date when you're sick and old.
Dave was 27 and we never saw it coming.
Death can come at any time, in any place, and for any reason. It's difficult sometimes to live your life when you start to see everything as the potential end of it. Simply allowing your brain to absorb the concept of death is enough to drive you crazy. We try not to think about it. We pretend we're immortal. We're not.
We die. We all do. We leave our families, our friends, and our children alone. Dave didn't have a will, and because of it everything has been a nightmare. We're still dealing with paperwork and forms and accounts and requests. He never had time to update his records to even include our son and myself. He didn't think he was going to die. Not when his son was just 3 weeks old.
Within every tragedy are lessons to be learned. Preparing for your own death is an important part of life. It doesn't matter how young you are or how healthy. As obvious as it might be to those around you what you would want done in the event of your death, it's important you make it official. It's important you update it often to keep it constantly relevant.
I'm working on my own will, now. If I die, I don't want my son Darwin's future to be uncertain. I want to make sure he's taken care of and has all the opportunities that he deserves. I want him to feel loved, to be well educated and to experience life with a natural curiosity and sense of wonderment.
If you're reading this and don't have a will - write one. Don't wait.
Dave was 27 and we never saw it coming.
Death can come at any time, in any place, and for any reason. It's difficult sometimes to live your life when you start to see everything as the potential end of it. Simply allowing your brain to absorb the concept of death is enough to drive you crazy. We try not to think about it. We pretend we're immortal. We're not.
We die. We all do. We leave our families, our friends, and our children alone. Dave didn't have a will, and because of it everything has been a nightmare. We're still dealing with paperwork and forms and accounts and requests. He never had time to update his records to even include our son and myself. He didn't think he was going to die. Not when his son was just 3 weeks old.
Within every tragedy are lessons to be learned. Preparing for your own death is an important part of life. It doesn't matter how young you are or how healthy. As obvious as it might be to those around you what you would want done in the event of your death, it's important you make it official. It's important you update it often to keep it constantly relevant.
I'm working on my own will, now. If I die, I don't want my son Darwin's future to be uncertain. I want to make sure he's taken care of and has all the opportunities that he deserves. I want him to feel loved, to be well educated and to experience life with a natural curiosity and sense of wonderment.
If you're reading this and don't have a will - write one. Don't wait.
Friday, November 18, 2011
An Outline
The initial outline you put down on paper before picking up the charcoal and layering in your tones is so important. The outline acts as a map. You mark down where you intend on putting the shadows, the highlights, and of course you have the overall shape of what you're drawing.
For this I usually use a softish pencil. Usually 3B or 4B depending on the intricacy of the drawing. I never use a hard pencil because it usually scratches the paper, destroying the grain. When you mess with the grain at this stage, it ends up in your finished drawing in the form of white lines where the charcoal does not go easily. A softer pencil is covered easily and you can't see it in the finished drawing.
For this first stage, I keep my lines very light, but detailed. I will often go over the same area several times to make sure it looks exactly how I want it to. I call it the "ugly stage" at this point and you can see for yourself why:
The work measures 8 x 10 inches and I'm doing it on Strathmore Bristol paper (smooth finish). At this point, only a Derwent 4B pencil has been used. Lines have been kept light with no shading. Next, it's onto the actual charcoal! It won't be long now before it's done. The charcoal stage is my favorite! I will take photos to show progress as I work on it.
For this I usually use a softish pencil. Usually 3B or 4B depending on the intricacy of the drawing. I never use a hard pencil because it usually scratches the paper, destroying the grain. When you mess with the grain at this stage, it ends up in your finished drawing in the form of white lines where the charcoal does not go easily. A softer pencil is covered easily and you can't see it in the finished drawing.
For this first stage, I keep my lines very light, but detailed. I will often go over the same area several times to make sure it looks exactly how I want it to. I call it the "ugly stage" at this point and you can see for yourself why:
 |
| Contrast enhanced to show linework. |
The work measures 8 x 10 inches and I'm doing it on Strathmore Bristol paper (smooth finish). At this point, only a Derwent 4B pencil has been used. Lines have been kept light with no shading. Next, it's onto the actual charcoal! It won't be long now before it's done. The charcoal stage is my favorite! I will take photos to show progress as I work on it.
Thursday, November 17, 2011
A Surge of Resiliency
I've always considered myself resilient, but Dave's death has been the hardest thing I've ever had to snap back from. I've lived more in 26 years than most people do in a lifetime. When you get used to living from one catastrophe to the next, you find that you become naturally able to adapt to change, as a means of survival.
I've progressed through a lot of bad days already, and there will be many more ahead. For the last few days, however, I've felt a surge of resiliency that has my thoughts moving forward and my actions are heading in that direction as well. I find myself looking forward to things and planning things instead of focusing on the past.
I've started setting up a bit of a studio in my living room. Because of space constraints, it's not ideal but I'm going to make it special. In life you have to work with what you've got and in the minimal space I do have, I'm going to make it the most inspirational little spot I can. With a dedicated area to do my work, I'll be inspired to paint more.
I'm working on a portrait commission right now and it's turning out wonderfully so far. I absolutely love picking up my pencils again. I missed them so much. This is somewhat of a comeback piece for me so I'm putting a little extra effort and time into it. It should be done within 2 days or so and once it is, I'm going to take photos and post it.
Although I seem to spend much of my time lately going back and forth between intense grief and strong ambition, I feel like I'm starting to level out. The good days are more frequent and the bad days, while still intense, leave me alone for longer and longer periods of time. There's simply so much that I want to do and so much that I have planned. There's so many things I'm excited for that I hardly know where to start.
I've progressed through a lot of bad days already, and there will be many more ahead. For the last few days, however, I've felt a surge of resiliency that has my thoughts moving forward and my actions are heading in that direction as well. I find myself looking forward to things and planning things instead of focusing on the past.
I've started setting up a bit of a studio in my living room. Because of space constraints, it's not ideal but I'm going to make it special. In life you have to work with what you've got and in the minimal space I do have, I'm going to make it the most inspirational little spot I can. With a dedicated area to do my work, I'll be inspired to paint more.
I'm working on a portrait commission right now and it's turning out wonderfully so far. I absolutely love picking up my pencils again. I missed them so much. This is somewhat of a comeback piece for me so I'm putting a little extra effort and time into it. It should be done within 2 days or so and once it is, I'm going to take photos and post it.
Although I seem to spend much of my time lately going back and forth between intense grief and strong ambition, I feel like I'm starting to level out. The good days are more frequent and the bad days, while still intense, leave me alone for longer and longer periods of time. There's simply so much that I want to do and so much that I have planned. There's so many things I'm excited for that I hardly know where to start.
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
An Uplifting Day
Since the snow fell I've been feeling trapped and lonely. I was going a little stir crazy but today was just what I needed to cure my cabin fever. My wonderful sister in law, Natasha, made the drive from Saskatoon to hang out for the day. She is one of the most delightful people that I know. Just looking at her ringlet hair makes me happy inside. So, needless to say I was pretty excited for her visit.
It was a wonderful outing that started with an expedition into Michael's so that I could restock my charcoal pencil supply, my kneadable eraser supply, and I got a new can of fixative spray. Canvases were on sale really cheap so I restocked them as well. We began an epic quest to find Post-it notes so that I could begin one of the items on my Project 101 list (93. Leave inspirational messages in public for people to find.) but we couldn't seem to find them. We asked someone (who turned out to be Shirley, someone I have known online for a while but had never met in person. She's wonderful!) where they were and after a period of time that was a lot longer than it should have been, we found them.
You would think that an arts and crafts store that advertises that it inspires creativity would have a variety of post it notes of all colours, shapes and sizes. They had yellow. Yellow post it notes. The most vanilla you can get, and that's not how I want to roll with Project 101. I wanted bright colours that will stand out. Notes people will notice. Notes with personality.
So, to Staples we went. I worked at the Staples Call Center for almost 4 years before I started working from home so I knew that they had what I was looking for. We were in the store for exactly 15 seconds when I found them. They're beautiful and they're exactly what I needed. Quest complete.
Then, perhaps the best part of the entire day. Ladies and gentlemen: I went to Costco for the very first time as an adult. Natasha had a membership to what proved to be the coolest club that I never knew I wanted to be a member of. I was seduced. I walked through the aisles in wonderment at the variety of items and the impossible prices.
I don't know if it was the bright lights or if I was just dizzy from the fumes coming off the smokin' hot prices, but I did something I'm not really proud of. Most people, in public, conduct themselves like adults. Well, we were in the meat section when I heard someone... pass gas. Loudly. Instinctively I quickly turned my head in the direction of the sound and saw a woman walking slowly by with a cart, making eye contact with me. As our eyes were locked she farted again. I felt violated. Instead of doing the adult thing by looking away and carrying on with my life, not worrying about the sphincter of another person, I did exactly the opposite. I burst out laughing. I kept thinking she reminded me of a motorboat. I don't know what's wrong with me.
It might have been that I thought I owed something to the store for my shameless display of laughter or it might have been the Italian style easel I found for $50, but I bought a membership.
After the Great Costco Flatulence of 2011 we ended up at Chili's with Aunt Viv. What followed was an evening of lovely conversation, delicious food, and the first bit of progress on my Project 101 goal of leaving inspirational messages in public. Also, leaving business cards in public.
It was a wonderful outing that started with an expedition into Michael's so that I could restock my charcoal pencil supply, my kneadable eraser supply, and I got a new can of fixative spray. Canvases were on sale really cheap so I restocked them as well. We began an epic quest to find Post-it notes so that I could begin one of the items on my Project 101 list (93. Leave inspirational messages in public for people to find.) but we couldn't seem to find them. We asked someone (who turned out to be Shirley, someone I have known online for a while but had never met in person. She's wonderful!) where they were and after a period of time that was a lot longer than it should have been, we found them.
You would think that an arts and crafts store that advertises that it inspires creativity would have a variety of post it notes of all colours, shapes and sizes. They had yellow. Yellow post it notes. The most vanilla you can get, and that's not how I want to roll with Project 101. I wanted bright colours that will stand out. Notes people will notice. Notes with personality.
So, to Staples we went. I worked at the Staples Call Center for almost 4 years before I started working from home so I knew that they had what I was looking for. We were in the store for exactly 15 seconds when I found them. They're beautiful and they're exactly what I needed. Quest complete.
Then, perhaps the best part of the entire day. Ladies and gentlemen: I went to Costco for the very first time as an adult. Natasha had a membership to what proved to be the coolest club that I never knew I wanted to be a member of. I was seduced. I walked through the aisles in wonderment at the variety of items and the impossible prices.
I don't know if it was the bright lights or if I was just dizzy from the fumes coming off the smokin' hot prices, but I did something I'm not really proud of. Most people, in public, conduct themselves like adults. Well, we were in the meat section when I heard someone... pass gas. Loudly. Instinctively I quickly turned my head in the direction of the sound and saw a woman walking slowly by with a cart, making eye contact with me. As our eyes were locked she farted again. I felt violated. Instead of doing the adult thing by looking away and carrying on with my life, not worrying about the sphincter of another person, I did exactly the opposite. I burst out laughing. I kept thinking she reminded me of a motorboat. I don't know what's wrong with me.
It might have been that I thought I owed something to the store for my shameless display of laughter or it might have been the Italian style easel I found for $50, but I bought a membership.
After the Great Costco Flatulence of 2011 we ended up at Chili's with Aunt Viv. What followed was an evening of lovely conversation, delicious food, and the first bit of progress on my Project 101 goal of leaving inspirational messages in public. Also, leaving business cards in public.
It was a great day filled with laughs, smiles, great deals and the most important part which was great conversation with family.
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
Honesty as a Flaw
I won't say that I never lie. Everybody lies. There is the occasional instance where I tell someone I'm okay when I'm really not. Outside of that, I am an extremely honest person. Lately I feel like I'm almost honest to a fault. Honesty hurts people, myself included.
I just think that without honesty, there's no point in doing or saying anything. Lies only serve to confuse or deceive and they never end in anything good. Not in my experience. Even if it's something small that doesn't affect me, I still like to hear the truth. When someone asks me a question, I tell them my honest answer, even if it's negative in nature. It might not always be polite or what people expect, but it's always genuine.
I just think that without honesty, there's no point in doing or saying anything. Lies only serve to confuse or deceive and they never end in anything good. Not in my experience. Even if it's something small that doesn't affect me, I still like to hear the truth. When someone asks me a question, I tell them my honest answer, even if it's negative in nature. It might not always be polite or what people expect, but it's always genuine.
Anyone who doesn't take truth seriously in small matters cannot be trusted in large ones either.
-Albert Einstein
I hate the feeling I get when I'm lied to, and I equally hate hurting someone else in the same way. So, I try to be as honest as possible in any given situation. Most of the time I think people appreciate that I'm always honest with them. It's not just that I'm honest when asked a question, either. I will volunteer information if I think it applies to the person I'm talking to. If I have a problem with someone I tell them.
I take honesty very seriously, but I'm starting to wonder if I should continue to put so much effort into something that often gets me hurt. I love being honest but sometimes it seems more like it makes my life worse rather than better.
I know that everybody lies. But, I think it hurts worse to find out you were lied to by someone you have only ever been honest with. Perhaps if I lied more often I would come to expect it more from other people rather than be surprised every time I'm deceived. Maybe if I didn't live my life as an open book, people wouldn't be so quick to start ripping out pages.
Truthfully, I do love the fact that I'm honest. I'm just starting to wonder if it's doing more harm than good.
Monday, November 14, 2011
Pendulum Girl
I feel like all I do lately is swing back and forth between a Wendy that is happy and hopeful and determined and one that is depressed and hopeless and weak.
It's making me dizzy. I want so badly to just move forward with all the goals I have for Darwin's and my life. I want to be the me that knows where she's been and where she's going. I want to say goodbye to the sadness, to the melancholy and the pessimism that makes me want to just give up and let go.
Never before in my life have I had to fight so hard just to feel human. It's a constant push to keep going and a constant reminder that each day presents a new struggle.
I have a few good days and then it's like my brain malfunctions. Nothing in particular sets it off. I just wake up and don't even want to participate in life. I suppose I can take comfort from the fact that the good days are steadily increasing in number and in frequency. But, it's not happening fast enough for me.
I want to be okay again.
I so badly just want to feel alive.
It's making me dizzy. I want so badly to just move forward with all the goals I have for Darwin's and my life. I want to be the me that knows where she's been and where she's going. I want to say goodbye to the sadness, to the melancholy and the pessimism that makes me want to just give up and let go.
Never before in my life have I had to fight so hard just to feel human. It's a constant push to keep going and a constant reminder that each day presents a new struggle.
I have a few good days and then it's like my brain malfunctions. Nothing in particular sets it off. I just wake up and don't even want to participate in life. I suppose I can take comfort from the fact that the good days are steadily increasing in number and in frequency. But, it's not happening fast enough for me.
I want to be okay again.
I so badly just want to feel alive.
Sunday, November 13, 2011
Dear California
Lately I can't get you out of my head. Maybe it's the layer of snow covering the ground or the sub zero temperatures I'm forced to endure this time of year. Maybe it's because Dave is gone and some of my happiest memories with him took place within your borders.
We just visited you earlier this year but so much has changed since then. Our son Darwin was born and Dave died all within less than a month. Since then, times have been hard but my mind continues to return to you. Ocean waves, palm trees, blue skies, sunshine. It's enough to bring a tear to my eye when I think about Dave not joining Darwin and I next time we visit.
I envision myself running through airports, Darwin in my arms, dragging luggage behind and awkwardly making my way through security. I picture doing all of this on my own. A few months ago, this vision was much different and a lot calmer looking. Regardless of how hard it's going to be, I don't want you to worry, California. I will get us there somehow.
See, lately I feel stronger than ever. I've been beat up so badly by life that I've stopped bruising. When you've already experienced the worst event possible and survived it, it feels silly to be afraid of anything else. Fear is simply no longer relevant.
It won't be for another few months, but we're coming back early 2012. We'll be without Dave, but I have someone new for you to meet. I think you'll like him. He's part of Dave and he's part of me and soon you will become part of his story too. I look forward to that chapter.
We just visited you earlier this year but so much has changed since then. Our son Darwin was born and Dave died all within less than a month. Since then, times have been hard but my mind continues to return to you. Ocean waves, palm trees, blue skies, sunshine. It's enough to bring a tear to my eye when I think about Dave not joining Darwin and I next time we visit.
I envision myself running through airports, Darwin in my arms, dragging luggage behind and awkwardly making my way through security. I picture doing all of this on my own. A few months ago, this vision was much different and a lot calmer looking. Regardless of how hard it's going to be, I don't want you to worry, California. I will get us there somehow.
See, lately I feel stronger than ever. I've been beat up so badly by life that I've stopped bruising. When you've already experienced the worst event possible and survived it, it feels silly to be afraid of anything else. Fear is simply no longer relevant.
It won't be for another few months, but we're coming back early 2012. We'll be without Dave, but I have someone new for you to meet. I think you'll like him. He's part of Dave and he's part of me and soon you will become part of his story too. I look forward to that chapter.
Saturday, November 12, 2011
100 Things That Make Me Happy
I am making this list as one of my tasks for Project 101. It's a list of 100 different things that make me happy. I want to read your lists! If you make one, please send me a link to it.
- Darwin's smile
- Thunderstorms
- Time spent with people I love
- Listening to music
- Drinking Diet Pepsi
- Writing
- Drawing
- Painting
- The ocean
- Knitting
- Relaxing in a hot tub
- Bad movies
- Feeling inspired to create
- Finishing a painting
- Doing something nice for someone
- When someone loves a drawing I do for them
- Learning something new
- The feel of charcoal in my hands
- Zumba
- Traveling
- Good conversation
- Listening to someone talk
- A warm day
- Pencils
- The first stroke of paint on a blank canvas
- Texting
- The smell of oil paint
- Comedy movies
- Hugs
- Colourful things
- Sleep
- Creeping on Facebook profiles
- Old photographs
- Darwin's cheeks
- Learning more about science
- Reading
- My laptop <3
- Creative gift ideas
- Photoshop
- Posting on the blog
- Helping someone with something
- Technology
- Inspirational speeches and/or quotes
- Comments on blog posts
- Portrait commission sales
- Art feedback
- Etsy
- California
- Memories of Dave
- A warm blanket
- Hot chocolate on a cold day
- Skype
- The first sip of coffee in the morning
- Bacon
- New paint brushes
- Putting my feet up
- Art exhibitions
- Boosting someone's confidence
- Board games
- Family night
- Long walks with Darwin in the stroller
- Zombie movies
- Darwin's baby noises
- Art supply stores
- Slouchy hats
- Colourful socks
- Being able to work from home doing what I love
- Buying Darwin new outfits/toys/etc.
- Books
- Swingsets
- Animals
- Putting on clothes still warm from the dryer
- Driving through puddles
- Family
- Friends
- Photography
- Hiking in the wilderness
- Pop Tarts
- Documentaries
- WWII Memorabilia
- The feel of satin sheets
- Reaching a goal
- Mixing paint
- The sound of bagpipes
- Old fashioned men's hats
- Cuddling
- Small wooden boxes
- Fingerless gloves
- Art history
- Old things
- Rage comics
- Nature
- Bonfires
- Honesty
- Camping
- Assembling furniture
- Collecting seashells
- Old trains
- Video games
- Elderly people
Friday, November 11, 2011
A Day to Remember
Remembrance Day is my favorite holiday. Other days for celebration might be "fun" or they might give you an excuse to spend a paycheck or two on gifts, but if you're looking for a day that has true meaning and importance, this is it.
It is on this day in 1918 that World War I officially ended with the signing of the Armistice inside a railway carriage by Germany, agreeing to end hostilities. This day was celebrated as the end of the war, and on each anniversary, to remember those who died fighting. In World War I, a total of 35 million military personnel and civilians were killed. At the time, this made it the largest war in history.
World War II started in 1939 and ended officially on September 2nd of 1945. As many as 78 million people are estimated to have been killed during what is now and still considered the deadliest conflict in human history. The entire world rose against a tyrant and claimed victory at the cost of millions of human lives. It is because of all this death that we are allowed to live with many of the freedoms we enjoy today.
"Never in the field of human conflict was so much owed by so many to so few." -Winston Churchill
As strong as the Nazi's were, and as heartless, the Allies proved to be stronger. Over 16 million military men and women died to save the world from the Third Reich. That's roughly half of the population of Canada today. Eventually the powers of good claimed victory and the war came to an end after the USA dropped atomic bombs on Hiroshima and Nagasaki.
"We shall defend our island, whatever the cost may be, we shall fight on the beaches, we shall fight on the landing grounds, we shall fight in the fields and in the streets, we shall fight in the hills; we shall never surrender." -Winston Churchill
My family has a military history that includes my great grandfather John Hutton, who fought during World War I, and my great uncle James Murray who fought during World War II. Specially for Remembrance Day this year, I framed my uncle's map of Paris which points out where the soldiers were to go when they were on leave. I hung it beside a photo of him in his Navy uniform. Unfortunatley, he never really talked about what he did or saw during the war, and he died when I was too young to really know what war was so I never got to ask him all the questions that I would want to ask him now. Based on the limited information I have, all I have been able to find out is that his ship was at Juno beach on D-Day. That's pretty incredible.
I know more about my great grandfather. This is largely because the Canadian records from WWI are available to request from the archives, whereas WWII is harder to get to. I was able to request my great grandfather's war records. For years, I had this old cigarette tin filled with the uniform insignia of my great grandfather as well as a few medals from my great uncle. There was a WWI wound stripe, which would have meant my great grandfather was wounded during combat. However, nobody in my family knew why because he had long since died. I have read the war diaries from his battalion (the 47th) and have his health records and found that he was wounded during combat with a gunshot wound to the arm. My great grandfather's battalion fought in the battle of Vimy Ridge but it was at the battle of Passchendaele that he was wounded.
It's Remembrance Day, and a day to reflect on the great losses suffered by those in our past who cared enough about humanity to fight to their deaths. I encourage you to take some time today to learn more about what they did, why they died, and who they were. When you pin that poppy on and take that moment of silence during the 11th hour, do so with the knowledge that without those who sacrificed their lives, you may not even have the freedom to read this as you are now. Today is a day for respect, silence, reflection and admiration for those brave men and women who lost their lives to protect ours.
Thank you.
It is on this day in 1918 that World War I officially ended with the signing of the Armistice inside a railway carriage by Germany, agreeing to end hostilities. This day was celebrated as the end of the war, and on each anniversary, to remember those who died fighting. In World War I, a total of 35 million military personnel and civilians were killed. At the time, this made it the largest war in history.
World War II started in 1939 and ended officially on September 2nd of 1945. As many as 78 million people are estimated to have been killed during what is now and still considered the deadliest conflict in human history. The entire world rose against a tyrant and claimed victory at the cost of millions of human lives. It is because of all this death that we are allowed to live with many of the freedoms we enjoy today.
"Never in the field of human conflict was so much owed by so many to so few." -Winston Churchill
World War II was one of the wars that I feel was more than necessary. All it takes is looking at a photo of an emaciated concentration camp prisoner or a mass grave filled with thousands of dead Jews to understand exactly why it was necessary. The world is an ugly place. It's made uglier by tyrants like Hitler, Hirohito and Mussolini who get so drunk with power that they lose sight of the value of humanity.
As strong as the Nazi's were, and as heartless, the Allies proved to be stronger. Over 16 million military men and women died to save the world from the Third Reich. That's roughly half of the population of Canada today. Eventually the powers of good claimed victory and the war came to an end after the USA dropped atomic bombs on Hiroshima and Nagasaki.
"We shall defend our island, whatever the cost may be, we shall fight on the beaches, we shall fight on the landing grounds, we shall fight in the fields and in the streets, we shall fight in the hills; we shall never surrender." -Winston Churchill
My family has a military history that includes my great grandfather John Hutton, who fought during World War I, and my great uncle James Murray who fought during World War II. Specially for Remembrance Day this year, I framed my uncle's map of Paris which points out where the soldiers were to go when they were on leave. I hung it beside a photo of him in his Navy uniform. Unfortunatley, he never really talked about what he did or saw during the war, and he died when I was too young to really know what war was so I never got to ask him all the questions that I would want to ask him now. Based on the limited information I have, all I have been able to find out is that his ship was at Juno beach on D-Day. That's pretty incredible.
I know more about my great grandfather. This is largely because the Canadian records from WWI are available to request from the archives, whereas WWII is harder to get to. I was able to request my great grandfather's war records. For years, I had this old cigarette tin filled with the uniform insignia of my great grandfather as well as a few medals from my great uncle. There was a WWI wound stripe, which would have meant my great grandfather was wounded during combat. However, nobody in my family knew why because he had long since died. I have read the war diaries from his battalion (the 47th) and have his health records and found that he was wounded during combat with a gunshot wound to the arm. My great grandfather's battalion fought in the battle of Vimy Ridge but it was at the battle of Passchendaele that he was wounded.
 |
| Medals and insignia in an old smoke tin |
It's Remembrance Day, and a day to reflect on the great losses suffered by those in our past who cared enough about humanity to fight to their deaths. I encourage you to take some time today to learn more about what they did, why they died, and who they were. When you pin that poppy on and take that moment of silence during the 11th hour, do so with the knowledge that without those who sacrificed their lives, you may not even have the freedom to read this as you are now. Today is a day for respect, silence, reflection and admiration for those brave men and women who lost their lives to protect ours.
Thank you.
Thursday, November 10, 2011
Two Months
In the grand scheme of things, it's not that much time. Two months can go by largely unnoticed. Most of us, over the course of our lives, will see over 900 months come and go. Two of them doesn't seem like that big of a deal. Yet, when you're dealing with the death of someone, it feels like an eternity.
Today marks exactly two months since Dave died, and I have mixed feelings. On one hand, I feel like not much has changed from finding out he was dead until now. I still feel lost and I still have a hard time believing it sometimes. I still spend long nights flipping through photographs and crying my eyes out. I still expect him to come through the front door at 5:15PM with his face lighting up as we lock eyes and I ask him how his day was. All it takes is thinking of him holding Darwin and the wound is fresh all over again.
On the other hand, I have grown a lot over these last two months. I've largely accepted that he is gone. It's easy to forget all of the individual steps you've taken until you look back and see your journey as a whole. I've covered a lot of ground and I'm proud of myself for that. When I look back I can see the changes I've made like footsteps in the sand. Each step forward takes the pain and loneliness a little further away.
Today marks exactly two months since Dave died, and I have mixed feelings. On one hand, I feel like not much has changed from finding out he was dead until now. I still feel lost and I still have a hard time believing it sometimes. I still spend long nights flipping through photographs and crying my eyes out. I still expect him to come through the front door at 5:15PM with his face lighting up as we lock eyes and I ask him how his day was. All it takes is thinking of him holding Darwin and the wound is fresh all over again.
On the other hand, I have grown a lot over these last two months. I've largely accepted that he is gone. It's easy to forget all of the individual steps you've taken until you look back and see your journey as a whole. I've covered a lot of ground and I'm proud of myself for that. When I look back I can see the changes I've made like footsteps in the sand. Each step forward takes the pain and loneliness a little further away.
 |
| At the hotel in San Diego Dave and I stayed at. |
A Business Card Adventure
Yesterday afternoon while checking the mail, I found a delivery notice. Although I was home all day, I swear Canada Post never actually buzzes me and just leaves the delivery notice. The worst part about this is that instead of having me go across the street to Shopper's Drug Mart to pick up my packages, they have me go to another post office which is a half hour walk away.
When going to sleep last night I hoped it wouldn't be too cold today. I knew there was a long walk ahead of me.
Upon waking I checked my phone to see that it was -5 out. Not bad. Not great, but it's doable. So I fed and changed Darwin, showered myself, and got the two of us bundled up and ready for the long walk to get what I assumed were the business cards that I had ordered.
With Darwin in the stroller, we set out into the chilly afternoon air. The walk was long. The wheels of the Revolution Bob stroller crunched easily through the snow and Darwin fell asleep almost immediately. It was slippery and I imagine I looked like a penguin walking over the ice and willing myself not to lose my footing.
Upon arriving at the post office I presented my notification card and waited while the man went into the back and retrieved a small box coated with labels and barcodes. He unceremoniously dumped it on the counter and asked me about the Diet Pepsi in the stroller's cup holder and whether or not it was my fuel. I presented my identification and left with my package.
The walk home felt even longer than the one that brought me to the post office. This was in part due to the icy air creeping its way through my layers of clothing but I think even moreso because of the excitement and eagerness inside me about the package I was carrying. I wanted so badly to just tear it open to see how the cards turned out but restrained myself, keeping the package stowed away safely until I arrived at home.
By the time I had arrived into the warmth of the condo my feet were cold and the bottoms of my pants were wet from the melting snow. My pelvis had begun to ache from walking for too long, as it still hasn't gone back to normal from pregnancy. Darwin was snuggled in the stroller, warm as ever and asleep.
After removing my shoes and changing my pants I excitedly turned my attention toward my package. I could finally open it and see how good or bad my business cards turned out. I ordered them from Vistaprint. I have used them before and was always happy with the results but it's always a nervewracking experience, anyway. I opened the packaging and removed my two boxes of business cards, business card holder, and my refridgerator magnets.
Now the scariest part: opening the boxes to ensure the business cards were not horribly messed up in some way. I tore the tab and opened the box. 250 business cards all in a row. I pulled one out of the stack and examined it. First the front, then the back. The colours looked good, the lines were sharp and everything was aligned appropriately. Nothing was cut off and all information was correct. I took a photo of them to show you. This photo is #1 in my Project 101 photo challenge (#5 on the list).
Success! I love them!
When going to sleep last night I hoped it wouldn't be too cold today. I knew there was a long walk ahead of me.
Upon waking I checked my phone to see that it was -5 out. Not bad. Not great, but it's doable. So I fed and changed Darwin, showered myself, and got the two of us bundled up and ready for the long walk to get what I assumed were the business cards that I had ordered.
 |
| Ready to go! |
With Darwin in the stroller, we set out into the chilly afternoon air. The walk was long. The wheels of the Revolution Bob stroller crunched easily through the snow and Darwin fell asleep almost immediately. It was slippery and I imagine I looked like a penguin walking over the ice and willing myself not to lose my footing.
Upon arriving at the post office I presented my notification card and waited while the man went into the back and retrieved a small box coated with labels and barcodes. He unceremoniously dumped it on the counter and asked me about the Diet Pepsi in the stroller's cup holder and whether or not it was my fuel. I presented my identification and left with my package.
The walk home felt even longer than the one that brought me to the post office. This was in part due to the icy air creeping its way through my layers of clothing but I think even moreso because of the excitement and eagerness inside me about the package I was carrying. I wanted so badly to just tear it open to see how the cards turned out but restrained myself, keeping the package stowed away safely until I arrived at home.
By the time I had arrived into the warmth of the condo my feet were cold and the bottoms of my pants were wet from the melting snow. My pelvis had begun to ache from walking for too long, as it still hasn't gone back to normal from pregnancy. Darwin was snuggled in the stroller, warm as ever and asleep.
After removing my shoes and changing my pants I excitedly turned my attention toward my package. I could finally open it and see how good or bad my business cards turned out. I ordered them from Vistaprint. I have used them before and was always happy with the results but it's always a nervewracking experience, anyway. I opened the packaging and removed my two boxes of business cards, business card holder, and my refridgerator magnets.
Now the scariest part: opening the boxes to ensure the business cards were not horribly messed up in some way. I tore the tab and opened the box. 250 business cards all in a row. I pulled one out of the stack and examined it. First the front, then the back. The colours looked good, the lines were sharp and everything was aligned appropriately. Nothing was cut off and all information was correct. I took a photo of them to show you. This photo is #1 in my Project 101 photo challenge (#5 on the list).
Success! I love them!
 |
| 1/100 |
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
Project 101
Inspired by fellow blogger, Aaron, I thought doing Project 101 would be a wonderful way to kick start my life again as part of my life renaissance.
Project 101 is a list of 101 things you plan to accomplish within the next 1001 days. I tried to fill my list with tasks that weren't too easy to too hard/impossible to do within the time frame, which is more than two and a half years.
The list will give me something to focus on, something to blog about, and something positive to be doing with my time. A great deal of my tasks are art and writing related. By the end of the 1001 days I expect my life to be in a very positive place. If I complete my list, my blog should be much more well established. Darwin will be just short of 3 years old. I will have some more experience under my belt as a freelance artist and Darwin and I will have done some traveling together.
I'm excited to get started and today is my first day. I'm not sure which task I am going to tackle first, but I think the posting to the blog every day for 100 days is a good place to start since it is one of the more ongoing ones. I encourage anybody who reads regularly to start your own list. It's a great way to, at the very least, write down your goals.
As you can see, there is a tab above labelled Project 101 which links to my info page which includes my list, and my current progress. Alternately, you can click here to be taken to the same page.
I look forward to getting started! Bring it on, life! I'm ready for you!
Project 101 is a list of 101 things you plan to accomplish within the next 1001 days. I tried to fill my list with tasks that weren't too easy to too hard/impossible to do within the time frame, which is more than two and a half years.
The list will give me something to focus on, something to blog about, and something positive to be doing with my time. A great deal of my tasks are art and writing related. By the end of the 1001 days I expect my life to be in a very positive place. If I complete my list, my blog should be much more well established. Darwin will be just short of 3 years old. I will have some more experience under my belt as a freelance artist and Darwin and I will have done some traveling together.
I'm excited to get started and today is my first day. I'm not sure which task I am going to tackle first, but I think the posting to the blog every day for 100 days is a good place to start since it is one of the more ongoing ones. I encourage anybody who reads regularly to start your own list. It's a great way to, at the very least, write down your goals.
As you can see, there is a tab above labelled Project 101 which links to my info page which includes my list, and my current progress. Alternately, you can click here to be taken to the same page.
I look forward to getting started! Bring it on, life! I'm ready for you!
Monday, November 7, 2011
Life Renaissance
A lot has changed over the last few months and I don't feel like I have adapted enough to thrive in this new world I've been thrown into. Historically I have always adapted to change quite quickly, but I feel that this time I am taking too long and I fear getting left behind.
I think a life renaissance is necessary at this point as a means of survival. I need to lay to rest the old Wendy and prepare to be reborn. I need to wake up from the awful dream I'm living and choose life. A new dawn is upon me and I can choose to use it for self betterment or to ignore it. I want to be able to gain a form of acceptance of what I've lost and make a comeback. I want to heal and I want to revive the Wendy that had a thirst for life, an optimistic outlook, a passion for self-discovery, a need to create, and a healthy curiosity that helped me learn new things constantly.
I feel like I lost a lot of myself when Dave died. In the next few days I will be posting what my plans are for pulling myself back out of the rut I've been in since the worst day of my life. I feel like a climber must feel looking at Everest: a mixture of excitement, fear, anxiety and a sense of purpose.
You can only live shut away from the world for so long before it starts to wear on you and make you feel stuck. I keep being told that I have plenty of time and that I don't need to rush. People keep telling me that it hasn't been that long since Dave died (almost 2 months ago now) but as acceptable as it might be for me to continue to wallow in self-pity, I really just don't want to. This isn't my first time dealing with the darker side of life and it surely won't be my last. I could sit around in a perpetual state of melancholy and nobody would likely question it, but I have higher expectations for my life, for myself and especially for my beloved little boy.
I'm choosing life. I'm choosing to fight. I'm choosing to smile instead of frown and to laugh instead of cry. I'm choosing to focus on the happy memories Dave and I shared instead of his final day. I'm choosing to paint my new world in bright, bold colours instead of black and white.
Although life so far has beaten me, bruised me, scarred me and and taken almost everything I've loved away from me: I'm still standing. I will continue to stand defiantly. I will stand alone. I will stand with honor and unwavering courage in the face of a life that almost took my will to live.
Because I want to do more than just survive.
I think a life renaissance is necessary at this point as a means of survival. I need to lay to rest the old Wendy and prepare to be reborn. I need to wake up from the awful dream I'm living and choose life. A new dawn is upon me and I can choose to use it for self betterment or to ignore it. I want to be able to gain a form of acceptance of what I've lost and make a comeback. I want to heal and I want to revive the Wendy that had a thirst for life, an optimistic outlook, a passion for self-discovery, a need to create, and a healthy curiosity that helped me learn new things constantly.
I feel like I lost a lot of myself when Dave died. In the next few days I will be posting what my plans are for pulling myself back out of the rut I've been in since the worst day of my life. I feel like a climber must feel looking at Everest: a mixture of excitement, fear, anxiety and a sense of purpose.
You can only live shut away from the world for so long before it starts to wear on you and make you feel stuck. I keep being told that I have plenty of time and that I don't need to rush. People keep telling me that it hasn't been that long since Dave died (almost 2 months ago now) but as acceptable as it might be for me to continue to wallow in self-pity, I really just don't want to. This isn't my first time dealing with the darker side of life and it surely won't be my last. I could sit around in a perpetual state of melancholy and nobody would likely question it, but I have higher expectations for my life, for myself and especially for my beloved little boy.
I'm choosing life. I'm choosing to fight. I'm choosing to smile instead of frown and to laugh instead of cry. I'm choosing to focus on the happy memories Dave and I shared instead of his final day. I'm choosing to paint my new world in bright, bold colours instead of black and white.
Although life so far has beaten me, bruised me, scarred me and and taken almost everything I've loved away from me: I'm still standing. I will continue to stand defiantly. I will stand alone. I will stand with honor and unwavering courage in the face of a life that almost took my will to live.
Because I want to do more than just survive.
Sunday, November 6, 2011
Dear Winter (Go Away)
I don't know why you keep showing up at my place, year after year. I'm never going to be your friend. You're just so persistant, but I'm sorry, I'm never going to make you feel welcome.
I don't like you.
You make it difficult to do anything. Whether I want to go for a walk or simply sit on the balcony with my coffee; you make it difficult if not impossible to lead a normal life.
I thought you finally got the picture this year. I realized the calendar said November and you weren't knocking on my windows yet. I thought you had moved on. As it became the 3rd, the 4th, and finally the 5th of November and you still hadn't made yourself apparent, I got that feeling like I wouldn't even have to see snow this year. Wishful thinking? Absolutely. Late last night I saw you creeping around in the darkness outside. In previous years, your first assault generally went almost unnoticed.
I thought I'd wake up and the world outside would have returned to its pre-winter state. I assumed the snow you dumped last night would have melted, like it usually does. However, upon waking up in a good mood, it didn't take long for that mood to turn sour. I looked out my window to confirm that the snow had melted but I was instead greeted with what is possibly your most heinous and determined first attack that I have ever witnessed.
Really, winter? Never in all my 26 years have I been so offended by one vile act of supremacy. I couldn't believe it. How long had I slept? Was something wrong with the window? To be sure of what I was seeing, I went out onto the balcony. Surely it wasn't as bad as it looked.
There it was. Physical evidence you had arrived in full force. I stood there stunned. I looked around at some of the victims you had already claimed. A nice family was shoveling snow down the way. A single man scraped off his windshield. An elderly woman slipped in the distance. Somewhere a child cried. We have reached zero hour. You showed up without me noticing and you came prepared.
Winter... we meet again.
I don't like you.
You make it difficult to do anything. Whether I want to go for a walk or simply sit on the balcony with my coffee; you make it difficult if not impossible to lead a normal life.
I thought you finally got the picture this year. I realized the calendar said November and you weren't knocking on my windows yet. I thought you had moved on. As it became the 3rd, the 4th, and finally the 5th of November and you still hadn't made yourself apparent, I got that feeling like I wouldn't even have to see snow this year. Wishful thinking? Absolutely. Late last night I saw you creeping around in the darkness outside. In previous years, your first assault generally went almost unnoticed.
I thought I'd wake up and the world outside would have returned to its pre-winter state. I assumed the snow you dumped last night would have melted, like it usually does. However, upon waking up in a good mood, it didn't take long for that mood to turn sour. I looked out my window to confirm that the snow had melted but I was instead greeted with what is possibly your most heinous and determined first attack that I have ever witnessed.
(click to embiggen)
Really, winter? Never in all my 26 years have I been so offended by one vile act of supremacy. I couldn't believe it. How long had I slept? Was something wrong with the window? To be sure of what I was seeing, I went out onto the balcony. Surely it wasn't as bad as it looked.
There it was. Physical evidence you had arrived in full force. I stood there stunned. I looked around at some of the victims you had already claimed. A nice family was shoveling snow down the way. A single man scraped off his windshield. An elderly woman slipped in the distance. Somewhere a child cried. We have reached zero hour. You showed up without me noticing and you came prepared.
Winter... we meet again.
Saturday, November 5, 2011
Scribbles on a Page
I don't like writing depressing posts, but I'm afraid this is another grief-dealing post in the aftermath of Dave's death. It all started with my ambitious plan to clean and organize the entire condo this afternoon and evening.
I started in the bedroom where a laundry hamper filled with Dave's clothing still sits, like a relic, untouched. His diabetic tester kit still sat on top of his dresser. While cleaning, I decided I would stick his tester kit in one of the dresser drawers. When I opened the drawer, a few pairs of his pants sat within, folded. From the darkness of the drawer, a white triangle of paper was visible sticking out from beneath the folded pants.
Probably a receipt or something. I set the tester kit on top of the pants and reached to pull at the paper. I was surprised that it was a full sheet of paper, and upon closer inspection there were words scrawled on this paper. Dave never did have the most legible writing so it took me a few moments to realize what this was.
The letters and words were arranged to form the lyrics of a song. A song Dave wrote. A song for me. As my eyes passed over each word and moved down the page, I felt the sting of tears begin. Soon it was hard to read and so I wiped my eyes. The further I got, the more emotional I got until tears were hitting the floor by my feet. As I neared the end, I came to the realization of what this song was intended for. Each line revealed more truth and as I read the last words it was all too clear.
Dave wrote this song to propose to me with.
Yes, love. Yes.
I started in the bedroom where a laundry hamper filled with Dave's clothing still sits, like a relic, untouched. His diabetic tester kit still sat on top of his dresser. While cleaning, I decided I would stick his tester kit in one of the dresser drawers. When I opened the drawer, a few pairs of his pants sat within, folded. From the darkness of the drawer, a white triangle of paper was visible sticking out from beneath the folded pants.
Probably a receipt or something. I set the tester kit on top of the pants and reached to pull at the paper. I was surprised that it was a full sheet of paper, and upon closer inspection there were words scrawled on this paper. Dave never did have the most legible writing so it took me a few moments to realize what this was.
The letters and words were arranged to form the lyrics of a song. A song Dave wrote. A song for me. As my eyes passed over each word and moved down the page, I felt the sting of tears begin. Soon it was hard to read and so I wiped my eyes. The further I got, the more emotional I got until tears were hitting the floor by my feet. As I neared the end, I came to the realization of what this song was intended for. Each line revealed more truth and as I read the last words it was all too clear.
Dave wrote this song to propose to me with.
Yes, love. Yes.
Friday, November 4, 2011
Temporary Early Bird
As I've said before, I'm nocturnal. My natural schedule is to be awake all night and sleep during daylight hours. This has presented many challenges to me over the course of my life but today, things were different.
Ladies and gentlemen: I was normal.
I woke up at 10:30 in the morning. This doesn't happen often, if at all.
Last night, at around 11:00PM I started to feel tired. This was weird, because I usually don't feel tired until 5-6:00AM. Instead of just staying up I thought I would take this opportunity to catch up on some much needed sleep. I went to bed. Then, instead of tossing and turning and being unable to sleep like I normally would going to bed that early, I slept. I slept so hard.
I woke up once at about 8:30AM when Darwin was hungry. I fed him and fell asleep again, waking up at 10:30AM. It was brilliant. It gives me hope that one day (and especially when my little boy starts school) I can have a normal schedule and function like a normal human being.
When I woke up, Darwin didn't want to. The little guy was just sleeping away and looking adorable, so I took a quick photo:
I ended up having lunch with the lovely Aunt Viv. I'm usually not even awake for lunch, so this alone was exciting for me. We had a wonderful time and of course Darwin was so good and content the entire time. When I got home, I was there for no more than 2 hours when my Mom called asking if I wanted to go with them out for supper! So, it was a day of eating in restaurants and cheating on my diet.
I was so well rested after waking up that my brain seemed more focused than usual. I could think entirely clearly. It was nice to have a break from the sleep deprivation of previous weeks.
I hope I have more days like today.
Ladies and gentlemen: I was normal.
I woke up at 10:30 in the morning. This doesn't happen often, if at all.
Last night, at around 11:00PM I started to feel tired. This was weird, because I usually don't feel tired until 5-6:00AM. Instead of just staying up I thought I would take this opportunity to catch up on some much needed sleep. I went to bed. Then, instead of tossing and turning and being unable to sleep like I normally would going to bed that early, I slept. I slept so hard.
I woke up once at about 8:30AM when Darwin was hungry. I fed him and fell asleep again, waking up at 10:30AM. It was brilliant. It gives me hope that one day (and especially when my little boy starts school) I can have a normal schedule and function like a normal human being.
When I woke up, Darwin didn't want to. The little guy was just sleeping away and looking adorable, so I took a quick photo:
I ended up having lunch with the lovely Aunt Viv. I'm usually not even awake for lunch, so this alone was exciting for me. We had a wonderful time and of course Darwin was so good and content the entire time. When I got home, I was there for no more than 2 hours when my Mom called asking if I wanted to go with them out for supper! So, it was a day of eating in restaurants and cheating on my diet.
I was so well rested after waking up that my brain seemed more focused than usual. I could think entirely clearly. It was nice to have a break from the sleep deprivation of previous weeks.
I hope I have more days like today.
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
Bearer of Bad News
Today started off normal enough. I woke up, showed, and planned my day. Running low on a few things, I knew I should go to Sobey's to stock up on a few things, like frozen veggies. So, I bundled up myself and Darwin and packed him nice and safe into his stroller.
Then we headed out the door for what should have been a minimally social-interactive experience. I wanted to stop at 7-Eleven to get a drink before heading to Sobey's. Normally light small-talk is made between myself and whatever cashier is working.
After commenting on how cute Darwin is she says "I haven't seen your boyfriend around in a while!"
She doesn't know. Of course she doesn't know because I haven't told her. I looked at her smiling face, realizing she had no idea how awkward she was about to feel. She probably expected me to say something like "Oh he's just busy with work!." or "He's on a diet".
"He's dead." I told her, watching her face turn to confusion and then surprise and finally compassion. I winced, thinking of how my face must have looked when I found him. I wondered how my own Mom's face looked, or how Tyler and Luke's faces must have looked the second after I told them Dave had died. I wondered how Glenda and Al's faces must have looked when an RCMP officer showed up at their door to tell them.
The cashier and I had a short discussion covering what have now become normal things to talk about. I answered all the basic questions that most people have. "How did he die?", "How are you doing?", "When did this happen?"
I knew I had made her uncomfortable as she rambled on telling me how sorry she was, how it must be so hard for me with Darwin all alone, how she had no idea and how Dave was always so friendly or funny each time he went there.
We parted ways and I left the store feeling awful. What had started out as a wonderful day now had a black cloud hanging over it. I don't like being the bearer of bad news, and especially when it comes to Dave.
If it was just this instance, I would be okay. But I know that now, every time I go into that store there is going to be that awkwardness. That cashier will tell the others, and every time I go in there everyone working will feel sorry for me. I absolutely hate that feeling. I just want to be treated normally.
Then we headed out the door for what should have been a minimally social-interactive experience. I wanted to stop at 7-Eleven to get a drink before heading to Sobey's. Normally light small-talk is made between myself and whatever cashier is working.
After commenting on how cute Darwin is she says "I haven't seen your boyfriend around in a while!"
She doesn't know. Of course she doesn't know because I haven't told her. I looked at her smiling face, realizing she had no idea how awkward she was about to feel. She probably expected me to say something like "Oh he's just busy with work!." or "He's on a diet".
"He's dead." I told her, watching her face turn to confusion and then surprise and finally compassion. I winced, thinking of how my face must have looked when I found him. I wondered how my own Mom's face looked, or how Tyler and Luke's faces must have looked the second after I told them Dave had died. I wondered how Glenda and Al's faces must have looked when an RCMP officer showed up at their door to tell them.
The cashier and I had a short discussion covering what have now become normal things to talk about. I answered all the basic questions that most people have. "How did he die?", "How are you doing?", "When did this happen?"
I knew I had made her uncomfortable as she rambled on telling me how sorry she was, how it must be so hard for me with Darwin all alone, how she had no idea and how Dave was always so friendly or funny each time he went there.
We parted ways and I left the store feeling awful. What had started out as a wonderful day now had a black cloud hanging over it. I don't like being the bearer of bad news, and especially when it comes to Dave.
If it was just this instance, I would be okay. But I know that now, every time I go into that store there is going to be that awkwardness. That cashier will tell the others, and every time I go in there everyone working will feel sorry for me. I absolutely hate that feeling. I just want to be treated normally.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)