The Asperger Files Part 3 - Relationships

Relationships can be scary and confusing for anybody, but when you have Asperger's, that fear and confusion is compounded by the inability to understand the normal social cues that seem to tell people what to do in a given situation. It almost feels like everyone else was given a manual that explains human interaction, while you're standing there with a Chinese take out menu instead. 

I mentioned in a previous post about how I used to keep files on all the people I knew. I didn't do this because I was particularly interested in those people. I was interested in their actions. I was interested in how they lived their lives and how they interacted. I watched patiently while people had conversations and I took notes. Smile and look down and/or giggle when someone compliments you. Through doing this, I was able to mimic the facial expressions and body language that you're supposed to use when interacting with people. Frown and nod slowly when being told a sad or serious story. I've gotten a lot better at it now, but there isn't much that's automatic for me. It's always a conscious thought. Don't stim, people think it's weird and annoying. Having to constantly analyze everything when interacting socially and try to react in appropriate ways makes the act of being social extremely exhausting when around new people. 

I don't pick up on subtlety or sarcasm very well. My brain likes to take everything literally all the time so unless it's extremely obvious or said outright, I likely won't 'get it'. This is particularly difficult when it comes to flirting. If someone is flirting with me I don't tend to notice and it can come across as me being uninterested when that isn't always the case. Similarly, sometimes I will obsess over a situation or social exchange and see flirting where there is none, but this isn't typical as I'm usually just oblivious. I never really assume much, and so if someone tries to hint something at me, it's lost. This is also a big part of why I'm so blunt. If I'm upset, I say that I'm upset. If I'm happy, I say I'm happy. It takes way too much energy to fake an emotion to try and get a point across. It's confusing to me when I see friends tell their significant others one thing when they actually feel a different way. I wonder what the point is, and chalk it up to being part of that social dance that I don't know the steps to. It's more efficient to say what you mean, and mean what you say, than to try and make someone guess the right answer.

Sometimes, people with Asperger's are thought to be emotionless, because we don't always convey what we're feeling inside, externally. But, this isn't the case. I believe we might even be more emotional than neurotypical people. There is a common theme of honesty when it comes to our emotions. We're not good at hiding our true feelings so we tend to wear our heart on our sleeve without realizing it isn't always appropriate to do so. When I was a teenager, I learned that hugs make people feel good, so I started hugging everyone, all the time, whether I knew them or not. For a while, this went well. Then, I became an adult in the workplace and suddenly hugging everyone was not okay anymore. I sort of stopped hugging at all after that. Whenever there is a question as to whether or not something is socially acceptable, I usually avoid it now.

I wish I could say that things have gotten better as I've gotten older. On one hand, I've become more comfortable with who I am. On the other hand, social situations have only gotten more complex and difficult to navigate within. I become so afraid of saying the wrong thing that I often say nothing at all in a group setting. 

This is part of why I enjoy online interaction. I'm better at it. I've never had a problem with using words to convey what I'm feeling or what I want. Online interaction takes out the difficult part for people with Asperger's, which is the physical aspect.

So, what does all this mean? It doesn't mean that I'm completely incompetent at interacting with people, it just means it takes me longer to understand what is happening socially. It means that I need to ask a lot of questions and get clear answers before I will feel comfortable. It doesn't mean that I don't like spending time with people, it just means that I am uncomfortable around new people who I haven't 'learned' yet. In fact, I become quite attached to people once I am comfortable with them. It means I can't effectively 'autopilot' interaction with other people. At least, not until I've figured them out/become more comfortable with them. Truly, interacting with people as an Aspie is a very complex subject and one that can't possibly be covered in a single blog post. So, I'm sure you'll see some more specific topics related to social interaction in the coming weeks.