Today’s blog is a bit lazy. I’m really just going to post the video I did today. I also wanted to tell you, however, that I am doing a couple of collaborations with others for some special blog anniversary treats, and I got one completed today and I think it’s absolutely hilarious. I hope you guys will too. The official date that the blog started was May 30th. I can’t wait!
Yesterday I was at the local Benjamin Moore store, which happens to be within walking distance of my place. I have been slowly, as finances permit, been painting my place. There was/is a really crappy non-colour on the walls, which is a really bland, boring flat beige. It makes me depressed looking at it, and it makes the entire place look dull. So, I’ve been on a mission to add some colour and visual interest to the walls.
First, I did the bathroom. Next, I did the kitchen. Today, I finally took the next step and painted the front door area. Luckily, I remembered to take before photos, to document the severity of the change.
I am really happy with how it turned out. It looks good in contrast with the green, and with the white that I painted the inside of the divider between the two rooms. I’m really loving the space but need to paint that door now because it looks like a door made of feces.
In other news, today’s blog was on the topic of people who inspire me. Ten of them! Check it out here:
So the topic for today was to name 5 of your passions. Check out my video to find out what my 5 are.
This evening I’m going to be painting my front foyer and also the hallway area. The colour is kind of dark, but it’ll work with the other colours and should provide a good contrast in the condo. I’ll be sure to post pics once it’s done!
Today was a nice day, both outside in the fresh air and inside my own head. A week or so ago, I had made plans with an old friend I hadn’t seen in a year and a half to go for lunch at Applebees for about 2PM. We had a really nice chat that lasted around three hours, and she met Darwin for the first time. We caught up on all of life’s happenings and with any luck it will become a regular thing.
Today was also day 7 of the 30 day vlog challenge, and the topic was ‘Describe your dream job’ which is a way happier topic compared to the sad one that was posted yesterday (I didn’t post it to the blog but you can catch it on Facebook or if you just go to my YouTube channel.) so I’m happier that today’s is a much happier vlog.
Well I got around to editing and uploading yesterday’s vlog, so check it out!
I also wanted to talk a little bit about Instagram. It’s a photo program you can download if you have an Android phone, or if you have an iPhone. It used to just be available for iPhone but it has recently become available on Android as well. My username on there is ‘ganiggle’ if anybody wants to add me. But, you basically take a photo, add a filter to it, and it gets uploaded automatically to your feed and also to Facebook if you choose to do so. I’ve integrated it into the blog so that you guys can always see when new photos are added. If you check out the right sidebar, the most recent 2 photos will always show up there. Here is an example of some photos I’ve taken so far (click to embiggen).
Hello dear readers. I have today’s vlog filmed and everything, but it hasn’t yet been processed. I’m simply too tired to do it right now so I’m actually going to bed and will do it once I wake up. This means there will probably be two videos tomorrow. I hope you all had a great week at work and will have a great start to your weekend!
Today’s topic was ‘List 10 things you would tell your 16 year old self’
I’m quite liking doing these vlogs. I’m really tired today because I pulled an all-nighter to get some work done, but still I am having a lot of fun with this and there are so many more interesting topics coming up.
The third vlog is up!
I promise I’ll be back to writing more in a little while. My sleep habits have been all sporadic and I’m working on a short story plus back to working my article job so my free time is dwindling. It’ll all be better soon!
So, day 2 of the challenge has been a success. I recorded and uploaded this video in a little less than an hour. Most of that was it being uploaded to YouTube because there was a bit of a problem, but it’s up now! Check it out, and I hope you enjoy it. Go ahead and send me questions, either on YouTube, here on the blog, or on Facebook, and they will be put into my questions video that is going to be happening after the 30 days.
Here’s the video!
I should also mention that the 1 year anniversary for the blog is coming up next month and I have something AWESOME…. AWESOME!!!! planned for that day. It’s hard to believe it’s almost been an entire year already.
You guys are awesome, hope you’re all having a good week!
Hey guys! I finally finished recording and uploading my very first vlog, and the topic is 20 random facts about yours truly. Expect 29 more of these over the next 29 days! If you have a YouTube account, please subscribe and thumbs up my video. I talk about it a bit in the video, but I’m also going to be doing a video on the 31st day where I answer all the questions that I receive between now and then. So, don’t be shy!
It’s been a hard week for me. I’ve been overly emotional and missing Dave, and I haven’t gotten as much done as I wanted to. To add to that, I have had little to no sleep throughout the week. As exhausted as I’ve felt, I have a hard time sleeping. I might sleep two or three hours a night, or not at all.
For some reason, I just have this feeling that all of the people who are part of my life are lining up single file and heading toward the emergency exit. I know I’m probably just being paranoid and obsessing over little things that aren’t a big deal and turning them into big things. Maybe I just need a new friend. Maybe I need to log in on Skype more often and actually talk to people.
There was a bright spot at the end of this difficult week and that consisted of my brother-in-law Adam and his girlfriend Natasha coming down to Regina for a visit. We spent the afternoon shopping and then met up with auntie Viv at Red Lobster for a really good seafood meal. It was great to spend some time with them and it put some of my insecurities on hold, at least for a little while.
Nothing piles up in the closet quite like outgrown baby clothes. Every single time I do laundry, something new gets added to the now overflowing pile. Little outfits that were once too big are now impossible to put on. The little man is growing, and he’s growing fast. People warn you about these things when you have a baby. They say “They sure do grow fast!” but nothing can quite prepare you for just how fast the changes really come.
So, it’s a day of laundry today, and the piles of outdated clothing will be sorted. Some will go back to Bri, who lent them to me a long time ago. The rest will be passed along to friends who have (or will have) little boys of their own. It will be a little sad to say goodbye to the tiny outfits that act as a timeline for my beautiful little son, but it will also feel good to let go of some of the past to create new memories moving forward.
It’s been on my mind for a long time now and I think I’m finally going to jump in with both feet. I’m talking about starting a Vlog. It’s something that looks like a lot of fun, and I think it would add a level of depth to this blog. What I have been stuck on up until this point is actually starting. I have everything I could possibly need to make a vlog, but I haven’t been able to start. Truthfully, I think it would feel awkward to suddenly invite all of you into my daily life with no… introduction I guess. How do you go from zero to integrating your audience into your daily life in the time it takes to upload a single video, without it feeling abrupt and weird? For a long time, I’ve been just kind of sitting on this Vlog idea without doing anything, and I found that the solution fell into my lap about a week ago and it’s thanks to one of my favorite YouTubers, glowpinkstah. She makes hilarious makeup ‘tutorials’ like this Snooki Makeup Tutorial and I laugh at every video she has uploaded.
Anyway, she has a second channel where she uploads random, vlog-style videos from her life and I watch that one as well. Lately, she started doing this 30 day vlog challenge where there is a specific challenge for each day. She got the list from this website, and it really seems like the answer I’ve been waiting for, so I’m going to do it! So, for 30 days in a row, I will be uploading a video each day, following the theme of this list:
1. List 20 random facts about yourself.
2. Describe 3 legitimate fears you have and explain how they became fears.
3. Describe your relationship with your parents.
4. List 10 things you would tell your 16 year-old self, if you could.
5. What are the 5 things that make you most happy right now?
6. What is the hardest thing you have ever experienced?
7. What is your dream job, and why?
8. What are 5 passions you have?
9. List 10 people who have influenced you and describe how.
10. Describe your most embarrassing moment.
11. Describe 10 pet peeves you have.
12. Describe a typical day in your current life.
13. Describe 5 weaknesses you have.
14. Describe 5 strengths you have.
15. If you were an animal, what would you be and why?
16. What are your 5 greatest accomplishments?
17. What is the thing you most wish you were great at?
18. What has been the most difficult thing you have had to forgive?
19. If you could live anywhere, where would it be and why?
20. Describe 3 significant memories from your childhood.
21. If you could have one superpower, what would it be and what would you do with it first?
22. Where do you see yourself in 5 years? 10 years? 15 years?
23. List your top 5 hobbies and why you love them.
24. Describe your family dynamic of your childhood vs. your family dynamic now.
25. If you could have dinner with anyone in history, who would it be and what would you eat?
26. What popular notion do you think the world has most wrong?
27. What is your favorite part of your body and why?
28. What is your love language?
29. What do you think people misunderstand most about you?
30. List 10 things you would hope to be remembered for.
I’m not entirely sure when I’m going to start, but definitely within the next 1-2 weeks. I’m going to add a little twist to it too. During the course of the 30 days, I’ll be asking for additional questions from you, the viewers. It is my pledge that at the end of the 30 days, I will answer ALL of your questions in the 31st video, no matter what the question is. There is no limit to the number of questions you can ask, so don’t be shy!
Up until a few months ago, all of my bills have been paid online. Always. Whether it was my cell phone, power, water bill, or internet and cable, it was always paid online through my bank account. However, my condo fees cannot be paid that way. The company is too small to justify setting up online compatibility, so they do things the old fashioned way: with checks.
Prior to having to pay condo fees, I didn’t even own checks for my checking account, nor had I ever filled one out in my entire life. So I’ve been sending the condo board a check for the condo fees for the last few months, and I just finished filling out and mailing the third one. Since I have to send it by mail, I figured I might as well get my stamp’s-worth, and I’ve been sending little drawings to whoever opens up the checks. I think her name is Leslie. Last time I sent a drawing of a turtle, but I wanted to make this one a little more personal. I thought you guys might want to see how a girl named Wendy pays her condo fees, so I took a photo of the page I sent along with the check (click for full size).
What has my life become?
Throughout your life there will be times when you find yourself in an undesirable situation. There might be circumstances where another human being does something that affects your life in a negative way. You could have a string of bad luck where you lose your job, lose a friend, or lose a lover. Your car might break down, someone at work might be making things more difficult for you, or that new project might not be turning out how you expected it to.
If life was easy, it would be boring and you would never learn anything about yourself or the people around you. In most cases, the way you react to these negative forces in your life directly determines exactly how big or small of an effect they will have. For this reason, it frustrates me sometimes when I hear someone blaming another person or a circumstance for why they are on a path to self-destruction.
Everything comes down to choice. Although going through a traumatic experience might make it easier to make the choice to deal with your pain by using drugs, it is still a choice. It is you who decides to pour that alcohol down your throat thinking it will somehow cure you of bad feelings. In the long run, you are only taking that initial pain and amplifying it within your life; allowing it to take over.
Nothing annoys me more than hearing someone say, “Oh, I had a rough childhood, that’s why I inject my arms with heroin”. With very few exceptions, nobody forced that needle into your arm. You made a conscious choice to go down that path, which quickly spiralled out of control. Instead of fighting for your life and taking back what’s yours, you throw it all away rather than take responsibility, you blame some negative circumstance as if you don’t have any control over your own circumstances. You do.
It’s a fact of life that bad things will happen to you. But, it’s how you react to them that ultimately determines how much power your give those people and situations. The way you handle yourself and make decisions under stress forms your character and shapes your life. Don’t give up by harboring those feelings and keeping those toxic forces in your life.
I’m not saying all of this as someone who doesn’t understand what it’s like to deal with the darker parts of life. I was diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder at the age of 6, but I made a conscious choice not to let the people who hurt me keep that control over my life. It would have been easy for me to fall into a life of drugs and alcohol, then just throw my hands up in the air and proclaim I didn’t have a choice. I did.
It’s not just the big things we can control our reactions to. It’s even easier to control your reactions to smaller, everyday circumstances. You could let problems at the office put you in a bad mood for weeks at a time, but what good does that do to your life? It doesn’t do any good, it only makes you unhappy and will even affect your job performance. Instead, why not rise above and take control of your emotions to use them in a more productive way? Don’t let petty things bother you. Make the choice to be happy, because it is a choice.
I miss the way his voice sounded when he told me he loved me.
I miss the feeling of his arms wrapped around me.
I miss the way he would kiss me.
I miss the way his shirts looked on him.
I miss our conversations in the morning.
I miss listening to his stories.
I miss his passion for music.
I miss the way he made everything okay with a simple look.
I miss cuddling on the couch to watch a movie or Dexter or the King of Queens.
I miss tucking him in at night and laying beside him while he fell asleep.
I miss cooking for him.
I miss him telling me I was beautiful.
I miss his scent.
I miss seeing him come in the door after work.
I miss his opinions.
I miss our discussions about politics while watching Jon Stewart.
I miss our drives.
I miss singing along to songs together.
I miss our epic dance moves to DMX at red lights.
I miss our people watching.
I miss his laugh.
I miss his mandolin playing.
I miss his creative strings of curse words.
I miss our balcony time.
I miss his encouragement.
I miss our walks.
I miss our intense conversations about life.
I miss our creative ideas and projects.
I miss reading science articles to him at night.
I miss his eyes.
I miss the softness of his hair.
I miss his sense of humor.
I miss how quickly he could drink diet pop.
I miss his honesty.
I miss our Kindersley trips together.
I miss how happy he looked holding Darwin.
I miss hearing about his day at work.
I miss making fun of sports together.
I miss planning our future.
I miss talking about our baby.
I miss his positivity.
I miss him telling me what a good mother I am.
I miss the way he always knew just what to say.
I miss him.
Having something that you wrote printed in any official way is something that most serious writers strive for. It was not my goal in starting this blog, however, to become published in a magazine, or anywhere else for that matter. So, when I received an email from the good people over at Colored Pencil magazine, I was both surprised and ecstatic that they wanted to publish the review I wrote about Derwent Artbars in their magazine. I wasn’t able to tell anybody about it for a long time, and the information I was allowed to release was vague (“I’m being published!”).
It’s truly one of those instances where it doesn’t necessarily feel real. You haven’ seen it, all you have is a collection of emails back and forth with the publisher, and you’re not entirely sure what to expect, if anything at all. So, I was delighted when I received an email while I was in California, with an attachment. This attachment was of my page in their magazine, which was to be released for April. I was asked not to share this page, and so I didn’t.
When I arrived home from California, and a few days later found my copy of the magazine in my mailbox, it was suddenly all real, and I allowed myself to feel full excitement.
A full page of my writing in Colored Pencil Magazine
I still can’t believe it. A full page of my own writing, as well as my photos, in print! The issue I’m in can be found by clicking here. If you want to buy a copy, it’s only $6 ($4.79 on sale right now) and if you’re an artist, you’ll especially love this magazine.
It’s fun to just sit around and doodle on paper with markers and coloured pencils. That’s what I did last night. Instead of just randomly drawing, I asked my Facebook friends what I should draw and I got a lot of different suggestions. Rather than do just one of them, I thought I would try to create a drawing that encompassed all of the suggestions. Here’s what I came up with:
Still think I should illustrate children's books?
Few things in this world are better than the taste of a pig. Whether it’s ham or that delicious bacon, it’s probably the best tasting meat of all time. When my Mom invited me over for Easter supper, and I found out she was making ham, it’s easy to see why I was excited.
It was marvelous. Not only did it taste good, there was tons of it! It was just my grandma and I who came over for a ham dinner, so there was plenty to go around in bags at the end of the evening. I am very happy with my bag-o-ham and look forward to eating it over the next several days.
I’m also planning on getting back onto the paleo diet in the next few days. I stayed in vacation mode for far too long with food, so it’s time to get back on track and lose this remaining baby weight. Plus, I just feel so much healthier when I’m eating properly on that diet and I look forward to the energy boost.
Living in an apartment-style condo is not without its perks. You get to see a lot of strange things that you otherwise wouldn’t if you lived in a more residential area. The building I live in is right behind a hotel on one of the busiest streets in the city. I share the building with around 25 other families.
Most people in the building are young professionals, and so are generally quiet and keep to themselves. They get up early to go to work, get home at 5 or 6 and then the only thing I hear from them is the occasional television sounds or music if I’m walking down the hallway. Other than that, it’s only a few other condos that I am ever aware of. I don’t think I ever mentioned the downstairs neighbours before, but they have recently moved out. I’m not at all upset by this fact, considering they spent most of their days smoking drugs that you could usually smell in the hallway, playing unreasonably loud rap music and sounding like a bunch of screaming banshees until 5AM. Luckily, they’ve moved out, which makes living here that much better.
Sometime in the last 4 months or so, an Asian family moved in across the hall from me. They’re not loud in an annoying sense, but I tend to hear a lot from them throughout the day. I have no idea how many of them live there but I think it’s a family with a mom and dad, and two daughters. The two daughters attend school throughout the day, and come home around 5PM. How do I know this? Because I hear them yelling up at the balcony for their mom to come let them in each day. They don’t have a key I guess, so they yell up in some other language that I can’t identify, and a little old Asian lady goes and lets them in. Every day Monday through Friday.
Sometimes you can hear when another resident’s doorbell is rung. Since they moved in, every time my bell rings and I exit my unit to go let said person in, they pop their head out the door as if they thought it might have been their buzzer. This has lead to many awkward moments of polite laughter and embarrassment on their behalf.
Last night was the best, though. I was sitting here, playing Skyrim after getting off of Skype with my friends Luke and Tyler, and it was about 3AM. I started hearing some loud voices from across the hall, again in that other language, so I have no idea what was being said. At some point, someone exited the unit across the hall but didn’t leave the building entirely. A few minutes later, I heard whoever exited come back and try to go back in across the hall. The door must have been locked, because I heard them knock several times, and the knocking got louder, then stopped for a while. I heard the door open and the old Asian lady started talking sternly to whoever was in the hallway. I heard one of the younger girls (I’d guess she’s around 16 or so) talking back in a whining voice. This went on for a few minutes until both of them went into their unit.
These neighbours are way more entertaining so far than the last ones!
My friend Tyler and I recently went through a long period where we didn’t have our usual weekly hangouts. For two weeks I was in California, and the day after I got back he was on a plane to Toronto to visit his now-girlfriend Kristine. We didn’t see each other or even speak much for a solid three weeks. Last night, Tyler came over to hang out and said he had found a gift for me during his time in Toronto.
I had no idea what to expect! When he handed me the brown paper bag with Blue Banana Market printed on the side, I was extremely excited to see this bacon related gift. A platter. It’s a freaking bacon platter, and it’s the coolest thing ever! Check it out:
Glorious
Bacon related items are always welcome in my home, but this one is especially wonderful. Not only will this be my new way to serve bacon to myself and possible guests, I’m going to use it for other things too. Bowl of fruit on the table? Heck no, how about a BACON bowl of fruit? A plate to serve cheese or cookies on? Nope, not a regular plate, let’s bacon it up with this bacon platter.
Seriously, this might be one of the coolest things he could have brought and it will undoubtedly become a permanent part of my most used kitchen items. You rock, Tyler!!!
There are times I feel like I lived through the apocalypse. I know I talk about it often, and maybe more often than what is healthy to do so, but the day Dave’s life ended changed me in more ways than can be measured. While the entire world didn’t end that day, a major part of my world did end. I try to keep these kinds of thoughts off the blog as much as I can, but it all tends to bubble up inside until I start to feel depressed for a few days and I need that release that the blog gives me.
Being in California last month really helped me put things into perspective. I had a few breakdowns along the way, which I guess is to be expected when you revisit an area that held so much meaning to a relationship cut short by death. I saw Dave everywhere from the swaying in the palm tree branches to the ripples of water in the hot tub. I was able to say goodbye to the memories Dave and I shared and create new memories with my son and family.
Since that day in September, I have been searching inside myself, examining everything I see. I’ve been wracking my brain trying to understand what happened and why. Why. So many why’s. I’ve lied awake at night imagining what Dave would be doing right now if he were alive. So many nights spent in tears holding one of his shirts or smelling what’s left of his stick of Old Spice. Flashbacks of finding him there on the couch. I haven’t felt like my real true self since before he died. While I have started to reclaim fragments, the truth is I will never fully recover.
I look at the calendar and realize it’s been almost 7 months now. The better part of a year. He’s been gone now for half the time we were even together. As much as I might want to sit here and allow my days to be consumed with thoughts of what could have been, time goes on. The fact is, the love of my life died. No amount of caterwauling is going to bring him back. It would be easy to just succumb to the inner torment of loss and most days I feel like I’m awkwardly treading water.
Over the last several days I have done a lot of thinking. I have come to the realization that my sadness is only made worse by my unrelenting compulsion to overthink it. I obsess over these little things that spin themselves out of control until I find myself in the throes of panic attacks. There is just so much in this world that scares me, so many unknowns. Holding onto the pain I feel for Dave, while ultimately unhealthy, has also become familiar and comforting in some small way.
I know that I will always miss what we had together, and that the emotional burden of being Dave’s widow will always be mine. But, I think there are healthier ways that I could be managing everything that life has piled up in front of me. I feel like I need to allow some of these feelings to become the past, and yet I’m torn. I know that the healthiest thing for me to do right now is to move on, but at the same time my pain is my remaining connection to the man I love.
A few weeks before leaving for California, I ordered two custom rings. One was to have engraved on it Dave’s name and a message on the inside as well. The other, a mourning ring. Unfortunately the one that was to have Dave’s name on it was made incorrectly and I’ve had to ship it back. The mourning ring, however, has made its home on the middle finger of my left hand. Mourning rings were popular in Victorian times and were worn to commemorate one who has died. The one I ordered and received is silver and has an inset black ellipse with a raised, gold tear in the center of that ellipse. Inside is engraved David 1983-2011.
Mourning ring
If you spend too much time with the dead, you lose touch with all the living going on around you. I have a little boy who I love more than anything in this world who is growing before my eyes and as much as it sucks to say it out loud, I need to stop thinking so much about the life I had with Dave and focus more on making the best out of what I do have: the most amazing little boy and a loving family, a talent for art and a world full of possibilities in front of us.
Throughout my teenage years and even a few years into my adulthood, monogamy (a relationship with only one partner) was the only form of love that I knew existed. It wasn’t until becoming more active online that I became aware of polyamory, which is an intimate relationship with multiple partners, all who consent to said relationship. When I first heard of this form of relationship, I wasn’t sure what to think of it. Personally, I have only ever been comfortable with a single partner whom I would dedicate all my love to, and have that love from them in return. But, that’s just what works for me. When it comes to polyamory I figured, if everyone knows what’s going on and is okay with it, then it can undoubtedly be a great thing. I didn’t give it much more thought until I found out that my friend David and his wife lead a polyamorous lifestyle. Naturally, I had plenty of questions about how everything works, and David was kind enough to allow me to interview him.
What were the circumstances that lead you to a polyamorous lifestyle?
My wife and I had been dating for around 7 months when somewhat out of nowhere, she broke up with me and started seeing this other guy. A few very tumultuous months later, that would take way too long to describe, they had broken up after my wife realized how awful of a person this other guy was, we were still incredibly close friends, I was still madly in love with her, and my wife was still insisting that we not get back together. What was so puzzling for me was that for all intents and purposes we were back together. We loved each other, and said it, we went out together all the time, we spend time with each other’s family, and we even started back up some of the physical parts of our relationship. Finally once night about 5-6 months after we broke up I asked her what was the big issue with saying we were officially “back together”? My wife’s answer was that she loved me more than anyone she’d ever loved before and could see herself spending the rest of her life with me. I, being puzzled, by that answer as a reason not to get back together pushed a little further and got the clarification, “I’m too young to be with the last person for the rest of my life”. We were only 20 at the time and as much as I didn’t like it, her answer kind of made sense. So I suggested after about a second and a half of deep contemplation, “then let’s not be the last people for the rest of each other’s lives”. I wouldn’t say that was the moment we became poly but it was certainly the circumstances that led us down that path. We didn’t even hear of the word polyamory for another 5-6 years. We always struggled to figure out what term to use to describe ourselves and my wife still makes fun of me for running downstairs one day after watching a documentary saying with probably more excitement that appropriate, “there’s a word for what we are!”
Do you tend to enter into a new romantic relationship together with your wife, or do you each have separate partners outside of the relationship? If separate, how much interaction do you have with each other’s partners, if any?
It has certainly been both. We’ve dated the same person, we’ve dated other poly couples, and we’ve both dated individuals completely independent of each other. When dating separate partners outside of the relationship, there has usually been a fair bit of interaction with the other partner. My wife has dated some men who were actually far closer friends with me before they started dating then they were with her. That hasn’t always been the case and there have also been outside partners who, usually because of time and/or distance, don’t have that much interaction. Basically my wife and I are best friends, so even in situations where, for example, I’m dating someone where there isn’t mutual attraction between them and my wife, they still interact with her as much as they would if I was room-mates with my best friend. The same has gone the other way as well.
Do you and your wife need each other’s consent before you enter into a new intimate relationship?
Consent’s a tricky term in that context. It’s almost like asking do we need each other’s consent to become friends with someone. I guess ultimately the answer would be yes because if my wife ever forbade me from dating someone, I wouldn’t. That being said, if my wife ever forbade me from dating someone, we would likely have a very long conversation about what’s going on because that would be so incredibly out of character for her. The same thing applies in the other direction. What does happen is that we are always talking about our own and each other’s feelings. By the time anything intimate would ever happen with an outside partner, we’ve discussed it many many times. As an example, there was recently a situation where I had started dating someone new. My wife and I had talked about it several times but just before I was going over to my new partner’s home, my wife pulled me aside and said, “I know I’ve said in the past that I was ok with you doing [x] with your new partner but because we haven’t been spending as much time together lately, (work and kids had been crazy for both of us), I think I will have a difficult time emotionally if you go past [y]. I’m not forbidding it or anything; I just want you to know how I’m feeling”. We talked a little more so I could double check to make sure if my wife didn’t want us stopping even earlier than that line. I told my new partner how my wife was feeling and she agreed that it was important to respect my wife’s comfort levels. I guess it helps that I would never date anyone who wouldn’t.
When you begin a new relationship outside of the marriage, is it generally understood by all parties that it will be temporary, or do some become long term relationships?
I try to enter all friendships with the hope that the friendship will last the rest of my life and acceptance of the fact that statistically it likely won’t. When those friendships have the added potential of being with someone I might fall in love with, the first part becomes stronger and the second part becomes even more important. Just like many single people starting a new relationship, there are different expectations with different people but I never plan for something to only be temporary.
Are there ever circumstances where either of you struggle with jealousy? If so, how do you overcome it?
I often chuckle when I explain what poly is and get the response, “I could never do that because I feel too much jealousy”. It’s kind of like saying, “I could never eat a healthy diet because I’m too hungry a person”. Jealousy has been a fading issue for both my wife and I over the years. It’s a completely natural emotion but like the desire to eat a dozen doughnuts in one sitting, it’s one that giving into reduces happiness in the long term. I think the greatest defence against jealousy is something called compersion. Compersion is a term the joy one gets when seeing one’s partner experience happiness caused by an outside source. My wife sees me excited about reading a really great book, she may get a little miffed about the time I’m spending on it but her being happy for me outweighs that. In the same light, when I see her come home from a date grinning ear to ear, I may feel a twinge of jealousy but that’s nothing compared to how great it feels seeing someone I love that happy. The last thing I will say on the jealousy question is that in many ways being poly creates fewer reasons for being jealous. I actually was reminded of this when I first met up with you to discuss this interview. When I told my wife I was going out at 1 in the morning to visit with a woman and “talk about an interview”, her response was, “don’t forget you’re bringing the kids into daycare tomorrow”. She had no reason to be jealous because she knew I had no reason to lie to her about my activities. I imagine a lot of monogamous couples, although certainly not all, would have more difficulty in that situation.
Was there ever a time when your marriage was threatened by another relationship? If so, how did you get through it?
Nope. Our marriage has certainly had rough patches but I don’t think they have ever been caused or even made worse by another relationship. The opposite is certainly true though. When we were going through a miscarriage many years ago, we certainly grew closer together as a couple but that closeness was absolutely helped by having the love and support of another couple we were dating at the time.
How much do your children know about your polyamorous relationship? How do you handle it if they have questions?
Our intent is to be very honest with them. I’ve talked to some monogamous people about that who seem somewhat shocked by the idea of honesty with our kids but the conversation is all about context and being age appropriate. Our kids are quite young, our oldest is almost 4, so there are certain things they don’t understand. Obviously I won’t be graphic about intimate details but neither do mono people when their kids ask questions. We also don’t see a lot of value in making a big deal about the distinction between intimate partners and any other friends. My wife and I try to be very social people and the vast majority of our friends are 100% platonic. In the vast majority of social circumstances there aren’t a lot of differences between those 2 types of friendships. When our kids are old enough to ask the questions that can distinguish the types of relationships we will answer them but until then, when they see me hugging a friend who stayed in our guest room overnight, they have no reason to know the difference between a friend who didn’t want to drive home because of bad weather or a friend that stayed over because my wife was kissing them goodnight.
What is the biggest challenge you have encountered as a polyamorous couple?
Time. Love is infinite, time is not. Typically we both try to make sure that any time spent with outside partners is not taken from the time with our family. So if I’m starting up a new relationship, my video game playing time typically takes a big drop. It also means some negotiating though. I mentioned earlier that recently we had a situation where my wife needed to pull back some of her boundaries. That was 100% related to our work schedules having been completely opposite to each other’s for a couple months and us not having enough quality time together. That was certainly an unusual blip for us though.
What is your favorite thing about being in a polyamorous relationship?
The number one thing is getting to see the look on my wife’s face after she has just had a first kiss with someone new. My second favourite would be getting to have an amazing wife who is my best friend, a perfect lover, and an incredible mom while also getting that nervous scary energy that comes from starting a brand new terrifying and wonderful adventure with someone new. Finally it’s also pretty brilliant getting to then share those experiences with someone I love.
What is your least favorite thing about being in a polyamorous relationship?
Watching someone I love get their heart broken. Imagine how awful it feels to get dumped and then multiply it by watching it happen to someone you love. The only time in the past decade I’ve seriously considered not being poly anymore was right after a really painful break-up my wife went through. At the end of the day though, that thought is no different from a non-poly person whose heart’s been broken thinking about being single forever. Love is too wonderful to give up on even if it’s painful sometimes.
What advice would you give other couples considering polyamory?
Have a really solid relationship first. The old saying goes that you can’t love another until you love yourself; well the poly corollary is you can’t have two successful relationships until you have one. Being poly magnifies things. The great part is that it magnifies the joy and love within a relationship. Having extra relationships creates a feedback loop where each person not only gets to feel their own love and joy but also that which is reflected back from others. The downside is that the negative stuff is magnified too. If there were trust issue before poly, they will be twice as bad once you are poly. Essentially think of all the things that are needed to make your relationship successful and expect to need more of it. Of the key relationship skills that are needed in any relationship, mono or poly, the 2 most important when being poly are communication and time management.
A big thank you to David for opening up about living a polyamorous lifestyle. It’s always interesting and educational to learn about lifestyles that are different from our own, and the people participating in those lifestyles. What might seem strange or scary to one person can be completely normal and perfectly healthy to another person. There is no single right way to live. Whether you are straight, gay, monogamous, polyamorous, transgendered, bisexual, or something else: if you’re happy, then you’re doing it right. Thanks for reading.
Posted in Tell Me About it, Text Interview
Tagged communication, family, friends, intimacy, love, polyamory, relationships
4 Comments
Hello, my lovely readers! I’m a curious person by nature, so when there’s something I don’t know much about, I am compelled to learn more. One of my favorite things to do is to talk to someone who knows more than me about a specific topic. A mixture of learning by reading random articles online, and talking directly to someone who can answer specific questions I have usually gives me a good understanding.
A while ago, I thought it might be fun to make a Girl Named Wendy a bit more educational. So, I’m starting this new blog series called ‘Tell Me About it’.
In this series, I am going to interview regular, everyday people about topics near and dear to them, in an attempt to spread understanding and knowledge. Some of these interviews will be text-based, some might be audio, and in the future perhaps even video interviews will join the series.
Want to be interviewed? Send me an email (ganiggle@gmail.com) or a message on Facebook and let me know what topic(s) you would like to be interviewed on. What are you good at? What sets you apart from other people? Don’t be shy! You can remain anonymous if you want to. Some examples of things I might like to interview someone about: Your job, hobbies, lifestyle, interesting stories from your life, medical related, relationship related, where you live (if different from me), and so on.
I know you’re probably sitting there at your computer wondering, ‘this is awesome! When is the first interview going to be?’. Well, dear readers, it’s all ready to go and I will be posting the first episode of Tell Me About it, tomorrow!
When it comes to issues surrounding Dave’s death, it doesn’t take much to stress me out to the point of tears. Today I had to phone the government, and they aren’t even compassionate in the slightest. Here I am, crying on the phone, and they don’t care at all. It’s a sad world we live in when human beings can’t just be decent to each other.
After taking care of business on the phone, it was time to just relax for the rest of the day. There was nothing else I had to do today, so video games were on the menu. Last night I finally caved and went across the street to Shopper’s Drug Mart to buy a copy of Skyrim (for the Xbox, of course, and if you’re on Live, my gamertag is Ganiggle. Add me!) Let’s just say it’s a sweet game. As a huge fan of open-world games, this one is top notch. Plus, I mean c’mon… you get to fight dragons!
It’s been ages since I’ve just sat and played a game for hours straight, but I think I deserve it. Darwin is sitting beside me helping, and we’re kicking butt!
